Hello fellow kinky folks,
Today I'm going to talk a bit about AFTERCARE.
What is aftercare?
Aftercare is everything you do after a session to make sure everyone comes back down to earth and is doing okay. This often doesn't only mean a bit of time right after the scene has ended, either!
So, quite often, a BDSM session, or scene, or whatever you want to call it, can be intense in some fashion. It often leads to an altered headspace. Your brain is releasing all kinds of happy chemicals. You might have an adrenaline rush, you might get an endorphin rush, you might just find yourself in a state of mind that isn't where you are normally at.
This is something that doesn't just happen to bottoms and subs. There is subspace, yeah, but there's also topspace. You're creating a state of being that is separate from the everyday vanilla state you are in. Even if you are in a TPE, 24/7 dynamic, there are periods of downtime, and periods of intensity.
Sometimes your scene goes well.
Sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes it spectacularly fails.
Sometimes it's absolutely amazing!
Sometimes shit comes up a couple of days or even a week after the session.
Now, there are certainly people out there, tops and bottoms (dommes and subs, etc, etc, etc) who feel no need for aftercare, or refuse to give it. This is something that you need to inform your partner of before you play, so they can decide if you are compatible or not, or arrange aftercare from someone else, if needed.
For the most part, however, aftercare is a good and healthy thing for everybody. Whether things went great or not, unless it's been specifically negotiated otherwise, I firmly believe that it is the responsibility of people who play to make sure their partner is ok. Does this responsibility fall a little more on the dominant side when it comes to D/s? Yeah, maybe. But you know what, it's still a good idea to check in, even if you were the sub.
Again, this comes down to working out and communicating expectations with your partner.
So, you've finished the scene. If you're in a public dungeon or the like, you've done some cleaning up, I hope. If you're at home, you've taken care of whatever needs immediate attention. Now what?
Well, now's when you can work on coming down from the scene in a healthy, nurturing, supportive fashion for everyone.
People's needs really vary. If you've been playing a while, you probably know what your needs are after a scene, top or bottom. Please let your partner know ahead of time! If you haven't figured that out, well, here's some things that are usually a good idea.
1. Hydrate! Have some water. this will help ground you, and it'll help replace whatever you were sweating out. It'll help bring you back to reality and steady you.
2. Some people need something to eat after a scene, especially people with blood sugar issues. Me, I really love some protein after. No, I don't mean your cum. (hey, for some people, sex IS a part of the aftercare, and I'm not knocking that.) Other people might want something sweet, or something carby.
3. If the playspace is cold, after a little while, that sweat will dry and the adrenaline will go away. A nice blanket to wrap yourself and/or your partner in is a great idea.
4. Cuddling. This is often really great. Soothing, caring, helping your partner feel safe. It helps you bond. Lets them know that things are going to be ok, that they are safe.
5. Communicating. Some people want to go over the scene, what they loved, what they didn't love. If something went wrong, they might need to talk it out. If something was awesome, or if it didn't really work for them, they might want to discuss that, too.
Other people need to ground themselves by chatting about other stuff. Coming back to reality, establishing a headspace that is their "normal." This is also all bonding.
6. Reassurance. Some people need it way more than others. Depending on the needs of the people playing, and the type of scene they've done. Letting them know it's all ok, and that you are there for them.
7. Caretaking. Maybe you give each other a massage, or maybe helping each other with cleaning up can actually be a part of the aftercare. A warm, damp cloth that you wipe your partner down with can be really nice, especially if things have got a bit sticky.
8. This is mostly for the tops/doms/etc, but depending on the needs of your partner, can apply to subs and the like too- Check their vitals, if you know how. Is their pusle strong and steady? Respiration rate? Can they focus their eyes on you? Can they speak normally? Can they answer questions clearly? Do they have presence of mind? Medically, are they ok?
9.. Making sure that your partner is "sober" and able to get home safely. Morphine mimics the effects of endorphins. A person can be really wobbly and unfocused after a scene, or just physically worn out. If they aren't ready to leave because they aren't steady enough yet, don't chase them out. Let them stay until they are back to normal, or take them home. Maybe walk them to their car, if they are able to go home. Hell, let them spend the night, if needed. Don't send someone out into the world high, and we can for sure get high on our own brain chemistry.
OK! So! Scene over. Aftercare done. Right?
Not so fast.
If it's super casual pickup play and after you both agree that you don't need to be in contact, and even better, you agree on that BEFORE playing too, then you are probably done, though I never really like this option.
To me, this next part is actually VERY IMPORTANT.
CHECK IN.
Check in the next day. Ask your partner how they are doing. Listen to them, and if they need to talk it out more, or need some reasonable level of additional aftercare, provide it. If your partner checks on you, CHECK ON THEM BACK. If they ask how you are doing, after you answer, ask THEM how they are doing.
If it was really intense, or something went sideways, check in a few days to a week after that, too. Be prepared to provide support.
What we do is intense, heavy, deep shit, people. It can dredge up repressed memories. It can drag things out of our psyche we didn't know were there. Sometimes, physical harm doesn't immediately make itself known. The same goes for emotional harm. Sometimes people need reassurance after the fact.
After you have had a major high, you can also come down and have a major low. Subdrop is a thing. So is topdrop. Sometimes people get depressive after a scene. Sometimes they don't. This isn't something that happens to everyone, but it happens more than people realize, I think.
Stay in touch. Communicate. Even if things didn't go your way. Unless they have asked you to NOT contact them, communicate.
Remember, even if you are roleplaying something specific and self-centered in scene, it isn't all about you. You are dealing with another human being, with all those inconvenient emotions, flaws, needs, and desires, and they matter just as much as you do.
Be good to one another. Support one another. It's vital.
Play safe, and find your joy!
