So, this goes along with seeing your partner as an actual PERSON, and not a vehicle for your ego gratification.
If your partner says "I don't like that activity. It is unpleasant for me. It is torture for me. It is traumatic for me. It's bad."
This is not a challenge.
This is not a way for you to prove just how amazing you are.
This is not something for you to pump up your ago with.
Believe your partner!
If they say,
"Anal sex is traumatic for me. It doesn't give me pleasure. I hate it. I don't want to do it." Listen to this. Respect this. Respect that boundary. Respect that they know themselves.
If they say,
"Having my clitoris touched is like torture in a bad way. It is an awful feeling. It feels bad. It upsets me. Please don't." Listen to this. Respect this. Don't fucking touch it.
If they say,
"I don't like handjobs. They don't feel good. It grosses me out. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to touch me there like that," Listen to this. Respect this. They don't wanna date your Laura Palmer or her 5 sisters.
Not everything is about safewords. If a person states their preferences and tells you what they like and don't like, and what they don't want you to do, and you keep doing it constantly, they aren't going to feel respected, and they aren't going to feel safe. They're going to feel like you don't actually care about what is a good or bad experience for them. Don't make their boundaries be about your ego.
I mean, if you negotiate that sort of thing and continue to get enthusiastic consent (as opposed to pressuring and pressuring and stressing them so they feel bad for setting boundaries and standing up for themselves) then hey, you and your partner do what you both want to do. Otherwise, though, fucking listen.
And you know, if there are things your partner says they really love? Things that put them in the right headspace, things that get them off, things that make them happy? Hey, pay attention to that. Try and make it happen if you're comfortable with doing those things. When everyone is having their needs and desires fulfilled, life is good.
Love,
-Ev, who means it when she says "I hate that, don't do it."