NOTE: I recently wrote this for a group which mostly contains female readers of male dom, female sub dynamic BDSM erotica. Please feel free to apply this list to any gender identity on the spectrum, and any number of partners in a D/s dynamic. After reading the stories, which are fantasies, I realized that, while it is fine in a fantasy, IRL a lot of the behavior of these characters is NOT OK, and I worry that a lot of people will read them and then go out into the world thinking that it is what is normal and "expected."
It's some important stuff for us all to keep in mind- doms, subs, experienced, and new.
I also want to note that there are red flags that apply to submissives as well! Doms are just as human, and deserve to stay physically, emotionally, and legally safe, too.
Hey, how about a wee discussion?
The topic: RED FLAGS!
I've seen a quote floating about, and it's so very true- "it's hard to see red flags when you're wearing rose colored glasses."
A new dom who can make you feel amazing, intense things can be really intoxicating. Addictive, even. When your heart races and your breath catches in your throat, when he's made you orgasm until your thighs are trembling and you can't even stand any more, you may find yourself inclined to ignore warning signs. I know I have this problem. But really we shouldn't!
Here are some red flags that are worth paying attention to!
1. He acts offended by the thought of safewords, wanting to see STD test results, safe calls, asking for references, asking around about him, wanting to meet in public or play in public only at first, setting hard limits, or letting someone know where you will be. This is a MAJOR red flag. Does he have something to hide? Will he really respect your limits? Will he really be safe? Does he care about you feeling safe, and your safety?
2. Something in your gut has you worried, and you want to work it out. You have just started getting involved, and he demands absolute trust, getting angry if you don't give him 100% of your trust immediately. That's not how trust works. Trust is built. A good dominant will work through things with you. You both will need to slowly prove trustworthiness to each other. (This DOES apply to subs, too!) He needs the maturity and perspective to understand that, even if he KNOWS he is actually trustworthy, you aren't really going to know that yourself until you've had time and experience with him. (let's just consider genders interchangeable here.)
3. He does or says something hurtful, scary, upsetting, etc, and if you express your feelings about it, he shuts you down. He gets angry and scary about it- how DARE you react negatively to something he said or did to you? He acts like the victim when he hurt you. This is a red flag for an abuser. Everyone upsets or hurts the person they care about occasionally. How it is handled after, and how often it is handled, is VERY telling.
4. When you set boundaries, real boundaries, he runs over them without your consent. No. Nonononono. NO. The heart of dominance is CONSENT. Limits and boundaries are there for a reason. They must be respected. Some may be re-negotiated, but that is with everyone's informed, enthusiastic consent. Not because of constant pressure.
5. Constantly threatening abandonment, or punishing with abandonment when you really didn't do anything wrong. Unless this is negotiated, it can be used abusively and it can really mess you up. Unless you are really ok with that, don't put up with that crap! It's awful. It's a tool an abusive dom will use to manipulate you into things you aren't really ok with at all, or to shut you down when he is harming you, for fear of being abandoned.
6. He isolates you from your friends and family. Run. RUN.
7. He is nasty and abusive to people around him. Waitstaff, store employees, friends and family. Treats everyone like they should be his slave and soak up his abuse- without their consent. This guy isn't a dom. He's just an asshole.
8. You find yourself thinking a lot "that hurt, that wasn't ok, but he said he'd change, it'll be different this time. If I just love him better, give more, he will change, he won't be like this any more." No, he'll always be like that. Humans rarely change their behavior patterns.
9. You've been with him for a while, and everything was great, but suddenly he's changing, he's hurting you in a bad way, he isn't respecting boundaries, isn't respecting you. You're scared to tell him how you feel, scared to let yourself be yourself. You try to talk about it, and he shuts you down, is nastier, etc. Unless he's going through some huge temporary thing and really making an effort to not be an ass, this is probably what he's really like, now that he has reeled you in.
10. He is trying to control your life in ways you didn't agree to and aren't ok with. He breaks or steals or throws away your property without your consent. He tries to make you get rid of your pets, or he hurts them. Ruuuuuuun.
11. "If you were a TRUE sub, you would,"
Fuck this negging bullshit. True submissives are people who truly get something out of being submissive, and have an inclination in some part of their life to be submissive. But a bad dom will use that "twoo" argument to pressure or abuse their sub. "If you were a TRUE sub, you wouldn't have any desires of your own, and would ONLY get pleasure from pleasing me!" Dude, you don't want an actual human sub. You want a realdoll. You aren't ready for the responsibility of a human being. "If you were a TRUE sub, you would have a higher pain treshold." No, no no no no. Everyone has different pain thresholds. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not they are a sub! "If you were a TRUE sub, you wouldn't have boundaries or limits with me!" Fuck you buddy. I sure the hell would. This isn't Reality of Gor. This is Reality of Reality. Again, get a realdoll. Being a sub doesn't mean you are weak, can't have boundaries, can't keep yourself emotionally and physically safe from harm, can't be a powerful person... hell, the most powerful in vanilla life people I've met in the lifestyle have been subs. It's a balance thing. I know people who are submissive or dominant in pretty much every aspect of their life, but they are rare, and I worry a bit for them, hoping they have some outlet that gives them balance.
Look, a truly healthy relationship is one in which everyone is happy and fulfilled, and everyone's world gets bigger, not smaller. This is even very much the case with D/s. Everyone should be getting what they need, and at least most of what they want. It should be a thing of joy. Enthusiastic consent. Both doms and subs are HUMAN BEINGS. Real people, with real emotional and physical needs. Not a fantasy. Not a prop. Sometimes they might enjoy playing the part of a prop, but that, again, should be with their enthusiastic consent.
12. Punishing a submissive for having a hard limit. Double red flag for punishing her for it by forcing or manipulating the breaking of another hard limit. This has happened to me in the past. I was truly scared of that dom at that point, and equally scared he would just up and abandon me. Never again. Never a-fucking-gain! NEVER. Hold strong. It's hard as hell, but hold strong.
Thoughts? Anything to add?
