In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
For me, I DO have some humiliation kinks, some that are very deeply embedded in my sexuality, but one must tread very lightly on the devaluation scale.
For example, the humiliating aspect of using spit as lube (while doing everything to avoid causing infections, please,) can be very hot for me. Being forced to rub myself on someone's (clean) boots. Forced masturbation. Being told, in scene, by someone I trust and have negotiated this with (actually, this applies to EVERYTHING- it requires negotiation, trust, and CONSENT) what a cockwhore I am, what a fuck hole I am, that's hot.
Any sort of degradation that tells me I am not good enough, worthless, or that being used is ALL I'm good for, is very much NOT. Putting me down, lowering my sense of self-worth, setting me up to fail, this will cause me anxiety and trauma. I will feel hurt, and angry, and it will actually damage my self esteem. Being told I am ugly, unattractive, fat, a pig, worthless, etc, is absolutely a hard limit. Being interrogated with questions I cannot answer correctly no matter what I say, or being told I can't do anything right, is very damaging. Using this set-up-to-fail to guilt or frighten me into doing something I'm really not ok with is, for me, just plain abusive. It is the opposite of what I need as a submissive, and will destroy my trust in you very, very quickly.
So, ultimately, I enjoy some sexual humiliation. Bieng fucked by unconventional objects, like, say, being forced to crawl with a flogger handle (in a condom) stuffed inside of me, that's hot to me. Being exposed to my partner, stripped (but told it's hot, not put down for what they see) and spread, being made to wear clothing that exposes my most intimate and sexual body parts, that's hot. Being spread open, groped, explored as though I am a sexual object that my partner has complete access to, that's hot. Being made to wear a dildo inside of me while going out in public, with only my partner and other select trusted people knowing, that's fucking hot. Using me hard sexually and telling me to learn my place is hot. Being fucked with a broom handle, hot.
Being forced to perfom sexual acts in front of an audience can be a hot as hell fantasy come true, or really upsetting, depending on my headspace and body image that day. Many things involving humiliation must be very carefully set up and balanced, and require a keen understanding of headspace and reading where I am. Enthusiastic consent is very important here. Finding where I am at is very important here. It's the difference between some hot as hell orgasms and trauma.
A lot of verbalization can also help here. Reflecting. Narrating what I am doing, or what's being done to me, and why it's hot. Knowing I'm doing well, even in a scene involving humiliation, is very key for me. Nurturing is an over-arching theme in my submissive needs, but when playing with sexual humiliation, it should not be over-used, because too much of it will take away from that particular headspace. "Take it like the little fuck-bitch you are. That's right. Just like that. Yes. Fuck that's hot, look at your wet little cunt, so hungry and exposed, you'll take anything, won't you?" See how that is both affirming and sexually humiliating?
This sort of thing can be re-enforced to a degree outside of scenes, but for the most part is only really great for me when I'm turned on.
And, after a scene with a great deal of this sort of energy, I need a good amount of aftercare. Time to feel safe, to come down, to be cared for and made to feel valued. That is when it is good to tell me how I was a good girl, how well I did, how I took it all so well, to be petted and rubbed and loved on, wrapped up in a blanket and held close.
