In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
Ahhh, nurturing. It is a huge part of what I crave in D/s.
Before I go any further, even though I tend to go for much older men, I'm not really looking for a daddy/little relationship. I think of myself as an adult, and don't feel the desire to roleplay as a little kid. I don't have a little space.
What does help me feel confident, secure, and trusting enough to get into subspace with someone is knowing that I have been doing well, and getting positive encouragement and guidance to do better when I need to.
Make my world bigger. Tell me when I'm doing well. Build me up so I adore and trust you and want to do my very best for you! I'm so eager to please. Consistent, nurturing positive re-enforcement helps me keep feeling those things, and feel secure in my submission.
Support is so very important to me. Supporting me in my passions in life. Backing me up. Standing with me. Standing over me.
Accountability- I struggle with executive dysfunction and depression at times. This isn't something that can just be positive-attituded away. It's a physiological issue. It's receptors and brain chemistry and hormones not being produced in the proper levels. That being said, subspace can sort of trip the wires. It can provide a work-around, but only if my dom is consistent in his supportive accountability. Since the book covers journaling, let's look at that, as it's a great idea!
Telling me "write a journal once a day" and then saying nothing about it for weeks won't work. I need help and support with staying on-task. Being asked, "have you written in your journal yet today?" that's a great start. But if the answer is no, back it up with "before 1am, set aside an hour to write your journal. If it takes less or more time, that's ok, but it would really please me to read your thoughts tonight."
If I tell you I need to exercise, we both need the self-discipline to make sure it happens. "work out three times a week" is a great starting point, but again, have me put it in my calendar. Remind me on the days I'm supposed to. If I cannot do what was originally agreed upon, have alternatives, or, if my health simply won't allow it, follow up when it will.
Giving up on it the first time I slip or after you haven't given me any support or re-enforcement for weeks is just giving up on us, and the space we are trying to build. It isn't easy to take responsibility for someone in these ways. It takes a lot of self-discipline, and confidence. I need to step up for you, but you need to step up for me, as well.
Now, when it comes to accountability and guidane, let's look at what happens when I DON'T do something I've been told to do. Let's look at the difference between EXCUSES and REASONS.
I absolutely despise the ableist "no excuses" memes, which often use one of us disabled folk for inspiration porn. The reality of life is that sometimes there are valid reasons for not doing something.
"Eh, I just didn't feel like it." That's an excuse. A justification that really doesn't fly. A break-down in discipline.
"I forgot." Now, it's easy to fall into "that's an excuse and obviously you just don't care," but some of us have legitimate memory problems- which is why it's important to have our orders reiterated. Getting into the habit of setting alarms on Google calendar or the like is very valuable for both doms and subs when it comes to ensuring assigned tasks are done- but that means not muting alarms on our phones, or ignoring them when they go off!
"If I were to attempt that today, it would be harmful to me." This is NOT an excuse. This is a reason, and it needs to be respected. It's not a sign of someone not being a "true sub" or any such nonsense. Once, a dom gave me two choices. The problem was, both choices were dangerous and would have been very harmful for my health, one leading to tearing my body, and the other, awful infections. He flew into a rage at me for trying to set a boundary. Don't be that guy, please. Any of y'all reading this. Believe your partner! If it's a part of a game you are playing, that is different... but that's not a game I play. I'm not trying to "top from the bottom" when I say I shouldn't do something on a certain day, or ever. I'm letting you know that what's being asked of me is not safe, and as my dominant, I'm depending on you to protect me by not insisting on it.
Positive re-enforcement! I'll say it again. Keeping me on-task to do something regularly requires positive re-enforcement. Not once, but consistently. This also re-enforces the bonds and roles. Reminding me of what I am doing for you and that it pleases you to see me do it makes such a big difference! Rewards for doing well are great, too.
Sometimes, like with keeping me on-task on a low-carb diet (which is better for my health, by far) nurturing may require a more disciplined support, by helping me stay strong and make good choices, rather than indulging my exctinction bursts. Rewards for eating right will ultimately lead to more happiness than the momentary pleasure of breaking my diet too often.
When it comes to guidance, which is a step past accountability because it goes into the territory of you coming up with plans for me, rather than me asking for support and accountability with something I'm already planning, that's something to be negotiated on a case-by-case basis. What is it that you want to guide me with? Is it something you are more qualified to lead me in than I am to lead myself in? Is it something I feel happier having you guide me in than trying to find my way on my own?
Dependence-
While it's tempting for some to totally take care of everything for their submissive, and it's an intoxicating feeling, not having to worry about so much hard stuff any more, I advise caution, here, too. I want to be nurtured in such a way that I can be a whole, competent person. It's one of the reasons why I also won't play with "you can ONLY ever cum with my permission."
Because what happens when the relationship ends?
Maybe we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But picture, for a moment, what will happen to me if you die tomorrow. If you have spent years training me to only cum on your command, consider the devastating impact that will have on my sexuality. This is something that happened to me, in a way- a man who had spent over half a year conditioning me to cum on command (and ONLY on his command) was in a car accident, and his entire personality changed. He completely abandoned his subs with no explanation. I only found out about the accident years later, in fact! It took me almost a year to be able to have an orgasm again. Imagine how much more devastating that would be in a long term relationship with deep conditioning.
Along the same lines, emotionally, physically, and financially, what happens to me if you pass away, or we break up? Will my training leave me better equipped to survive in this world when we are no longer together, or will it leave me unable to survive? Will I have a strong, healthy support network?
Nurturing dominants can encourage healthy, thriving friendships, connection with family, and an expansion of the submissive's world.
Me, when I am serving my Master, be it cooking a delicious meal or sucking his cock on my knees, I want to be a good girl. I want to please. I want to know I'm doing well, and learn how to do even better. Give me consideration, respect, and care, and I'll give you my world.
Rewards- Anton goes into rewards quite well, I think. The same thing every day become routine, not a reward. A reward should be special. A type of play we both enjoy but don't do all the time is an excellent reward! Make sure it's something we can physically manage on that day, and come up with a number of different things we can do that you and I both really enjoy, and that even re-enforce our D/s connection, that might take some extra effort, but is well worth it for us both. "You worked so hard on all that writing. I'm so glad you're feeling horny and good today! Tonight, I'm going to have you masturbate for me, but you're going to ride a huge toy while you do it! And then, because you've been such a good girl, you're getting Master's fist in that hungry little cunt."
"You can't fix someone else," page 180. Master Ashigeru, I think this is a good one for you, specifically, to re-read, because it's a trap your loving, nurturing self is suceptible to. Me, I want to be a whole person who can give myself like a whole person can. I have issues, absolutely. But I don't want to stay broken so I can be taken care of, and I VERY much recognize that the work and change has to start and end with me. Support is great, but please, don't take on the role of my doctor. Don't try to rescue me from myself, or anyone else, for that matter, because no matter how much you order or pamper, we all still must take personal responsibility for our actions and decisions- and anyone who trully cannot do this is not of sound enough mind to give informed consent in BDSM.
So, back to anyone interested in being with me, while you may well want to help me, and I will deeply appreciate the help, please do not feel that you need to take the role of my therapist or doctor, because you cannot "fix" me in that way. Even if you are a therapist or doctor, there is a "conflict of interest" line that won't allow you to see things clearly enough. While I am disabled, and BDSM does help me, I don't expect it to "cure" me, and I don't want you to feel that you need to "cure" me, either. I am not my disabilities. I am not my broken bits. I'm still a whole person, working hard at doing better with the life I have every single day!
So, in conclusion... I will give you everything with consistent, positive encouragement! The "can't do well enough, going to fail no matter what" spectre hanging over my head will make me more and more stressed, anxious, and even afraid of you. It will lead me to dissociating to survive, and giving things I am not ok with giving, rather than joyful, willing, inspired submission. So, nurturing, positive dominance is the way to go with me, for sure! I'm not saying there should never be consequences, but turning failures into learning opportunities rather than devastating punishments or abandonment will encourage me to grow and do better.
