In order to have better scenes, deeper bonding, and to further develop the D/s relationship with my Master, as well as provide a guide and an idea about the type of sub I am to future partners, I am going through Anton Fulmen's "The Heart of Dominance" and discussing, section-by-section, different aspects of my submissive orientation. In this series of entries, I will describe what does and does not work with me, and how deeply I go into each type of D/s dynamic.
I do have some objectification kinks, once again very much in scene with a partner with whom I have negotiated this sort of play.
I enjoy the CONCEPT, the ILLUSION of being used as a sex toy for the amusement and gratification of my dom, wherein my enjoyment doesn't matter and their pleasure does. I do not enjoy being thought of or treated that way in reality.
What do I mean there?
Being used as a masturbation toy, for example. The thought of a man jacking himself off with his cock up against me, or using his fist to jack himself off while roughly running his knuckles against my cunt, that's hot. Using me violently, hard, telling me they're jacking themselves off with my cunt, forcing me to do things for their amusement while they get off and then cum inside me at the very end, or on me, that's hot. There is, as you can see, some crossover here with sexual humiliation.
HOWEVER.
I do want to get off, in the end. Or at the least, later that day. I do not enjoy orgasm denial. Maybe I don't cum during one scene, but I do hope to cum a lot in the next. The pleasure of my partner is very important to me, and I don't always have to get off, but using me sexually without any actual sexual gratification for me should be done very sparingly, or I will start to feel quite unhappy and neglected.
Rather, I love to hear that attidue, to be treated as if that is the case during play, but then made to get off anyway. Make it a part of the game, even. It's a delicate bit of role-play, ultimately. "I don't give a fuck if you cum. I don't give a fuck if it hurt. In fact, I fucking love when I hurt you with my cock. I wanna watch you masturbate to the pain. Watching you struggle with how hard I fuck you amuses me. I want to watch your body betray you. I'm going to make you cum because it gets me off." Hot. Not every time, but it's an element that can really turn me on- as long as I am NOT actually being hurt too badly, and my partner is making sure that I am, actually aroused.
Being used as furniture and the like is not a huge fetish of mine, but if it is a part of an overall D/s package, it can be nice. Being used as a footrest can be peaceful, in a way.
On the other hand, I DESPISE being objectified for my body type. I can't stand bieng treated like a fetish, a "BBW" who isn't considered to be a person at all. I have to deal with far too much abuse in my vanilla life for the type of body I have. I want to be desired for the person I am, not the shape of my body. I don't get it as badly as my Asian sisters in kink who have to deal with "yellow fever" dudes, but it's a similar ucky feeling. I know it is something that is empowering or a turn-on for some other women of size, but it's not a thing for me. I surely do not mind people finding me physically attractive! I just don't want people to use me as a fetish without ACTUALLY getting to know and appreciate ME.
Along similar lines, I'm not really comfortable with people trying for the objectification angle from the other side of things. I'm looking at you, "do u want a BBC" guys. I am attracted to people for the people they are. I don't go in for racial objectification, and I feel a bit of side-eye towards people who seem to think the only trait they have that matters is their penis and the color thereof. If you are black and you have a big cock, hey, awesome, I've got no problem with that- but I'm not gonna automatically jump on that. Introduce yourself to me as a person meeting another person, and if we get to know one another and click, then maybe we'll play. People aren't "My Little Ponies" to me, though. For me, life ain't a Laurell K Hamilton book, ya know? I don't need to collect a buncha cookie-cutter, interchangeable men who have different colorations. I want to know and like YOU. I want you to know and like ME. And besides, I've seen how that king of attitude has been really emotionally harmful for some of my black brothers in kink.
Again, if it is happymaking and empowering for YOU, that's awesome! But since this series is about what does and doesn't work for me in D/s, there you go. I don't go in for body type, ability/disability, gender identity or racial objectification.
Now then, once in a while, pin me down facedown and use me hard for your own gratification while you watch some kinky as hell porn? For me, that's hot. It's not really about me watching the porn with you. It's about you getting off while watching the porn, and using my body to do it.
Using me as a platter for food? Haha, I've done it. It was more silly and fun than erotic for me, but hey, nothing wrong with silly and fun from time to time, right?
When it comes to service, I am not really into objectification there. I like to know that I am pleasing my dominant, and that I am doing well. That tends to involve praise and the kind of gratitude a dominant gives to their submissive. "What a lovely meal. You did a great job, and I'm enjoying it. Good girl." To see and know that I am pleasing gives me a great deal of joy, and I'll go into this more in the "service" section of my write-up. But for here, I mention it because it is not an area where I enjoy objectification.
I also have found that great care should be taken with me when approaching the concept that "a submissive's only pleasure should be pleasing their Master." This has been used against me in the past, to the point where my needs were not being met, my boundaries were not being respected, and I did not feel considered or even safe. While the pleasure of my partner is, as a submissive, deeply, deeply important, a dominant must take care that I do not end up shutting down and dissociating to avoid displeasing my partner. This is a survival tactic from both my childhood and some unhealthy past relationships- with CPTSD, a response to stresses and triggers can be fight, flight, freeze, or FAWN. A dominant who is abusive or doesn't know better can exploit the "fawn" aspect, causing a survivor to sacrifice their own needs and safety in order to placate and please their partner. It was a way to stay safe, and "earn" love. A very unhealthy way. Threats of abandonment and the use of fear and pain drove me into that space where I felt that I was not allowed to express needs or even boundaries, because I was told I was not being a "true" submissive if I did.
So, never again for that. I firmly believe that, for a healthy relationship for me, both dominant and submissive must keep the needs and desires of their partner in mind, but also not neglect their own needs and desires. When everyone is happy and fulfilled, a relationship is going to be rewarding and happy. So, I need to feel that I WANT to please my partner, not that I shouldn't want my own needs met, or that I will get hurt if I don't.
In other words, outside of sexual play, while I DO very much want to please my master, it is important to not play up "all you should want or care about is pleasing me, your needs don't matter."
