I sit here tonight, listening to the soft rain on the tin roof of my deck, letting my mind wander. Lost in thought it seems. Sometimes I like when I can do this. Just sit here & listen to the outside. There's so much to be heard in the quiet. It's in those moments of stillness that we sometimes can hear what we've been missing. I need it. I need the peace out here at the moment. This quiet before the storm.
The rain finds it's way to me, now & then. Little drops here and there & it's cool against my warm skin. It entices my inner child to come out & play. "Go ahead. Splash in the little puddles on the lower deck. Dance in the beautiful moonlight." I hear it call. "There is no fear here. No one is watching. No one is judging. You need this...this time to be carefree. Play. In. The. Rain".
Lightening flashes in the distance & I know this moment of peace is short lived. The storm is coming. But, still I dance. Each flash of lightening entices my innermost demons. But, still, I dance. Water beneath my feet, splashing up to my thighs with every move.
God, I love a storm. The pure, kinetic energy is nothing less than primal. And I need that too. Another round of lightening and the demons try to break free. "Remember", they call. "Remember how hard it was for you to get here. Your unworthiness...your pain", they scream. "Remember your doubtfulness & how everything that goes wrong is your fault", they whisper.
I'm stopped dead in my tracks. All of those old feelings coming back. Tearing at my heart. Interrupting my peace of mind. Destroying every.....step...I've...made...to get where I am now. Where does the rain stop & my tears start? Where is that "tough as nails, spunky, smart assed girl" that has learned to tell her demons to go straight to hell?
A brilliantly loud clap of thunder & I'm snapped back to reality. There she is. Another & another...each louder than the one before. Forcing my demons back to the darkest corners of nowhere. "There's no room for them here in your organized chaos & peace", the thunder bellows.
The wind blows & there's smell of damp Earth & clean air. I breathe it in deeply. The rain is a bit harder now. Washing away all those feelings of doubt & darkness. I turn my face up to the full moon & soak in it's beauty. Swaying with every lightening strike. Letting every powerful rumble of thunder caress me.
Even in the chaos.....still, I. Will. Dance.
