Don't you dare use her.
She's not your revolving door.
If she opens up,
you hit that lock,
you throw away the key,
and you don't ever fucking leave.
She is home,
she is forever,
and if you can't see that,
you don't deserve her.
If you can't see that,
don't ask her to let you in.
-Kalen Dion
I sit here tonight, listening to the soft rain on the tin roof of my deck, letting my mind wander. Lost in thought it seems. Sometimes I like when I can do this. Just sit here & listen to the outside. There's so much to be heard in the quiet. It's in those moments of stillness that we sometimes can hear what we've been missing. I need it. I need the peace out here at the moment. This quiet before the storm.
The rain finds it's way to me, now & then. Little drops here and there & it's cool against my warm skin. It entices my inner child to come out & play. "Go ahead. Splash in the little puddles on the lower deck. Dance in the beautiful moonlight." I hear it call. "There is no fear here. No one is watching. No one is judging. You need this...this time to be carefree. Play. In. The. Rain".
Lightening flashes in the distance & I know this moment of peace is short lived. The storm is coming. But, still I dance. Each flash of lightening entices my innermost demons. But, still, I dance. Water beneath my feet, splashing up to my thighs with every move.
God, I love a storm. The pure, kinetic energy is nothing less than primal. And I need that too. Another round of lightening and the demons try to break free. "Remember", they call. "Remember how hard it was for you to get here. Your unworthiness...your pain", they scream. "Remember your doubtfulness & how everything that goes wrong is your fault", they whisper.
I'm stopped dead in my tracks. All of those old feelings coming back. Tearing at my heart. Interrupting my peace of mind. Destroying every.....step...I've...made...to get where I am now. Where does the rain stop & my tears start? Where is that "tough as nails, spunky, smart assed girl" that has learned to tell her demons to go straight to hell?
A brilliantly loud clap of thunder & I'm snapped back to reality. There she is. Another & another...each louder than the one before. Forcing my demons back to the darkest corners of nowhere. "There's no room for them here in your organized chaos & peace", the thunder bellows.
The wind blows & there's smell of damp Earth & clean air. I breathe it in deeply. The rain is a bit harder now. Washing away all those feelings of doubt & darkness. I turn my face up to the full moon & soak in it's beauty. Swaying with every lightening strike. Letting every powerful rumble of thunder caress me.
Even in the chaos.....still, I. Will. Dance.
I am worth your effort of getting to know me.
I am worth your kindness.
Your curiosity.
I am worth all your questions
All the things you'll learn that will make me come when you beckon.
I am worth your firm hand and gentle touch.
I honestly don't ask for much.
I am worth your excitement
Your passion.
Your slight aggression.
I am worth your encouragement and frustration on my bad days
Your laughter and love on my good ones
I am worth your ability to carry me...love me harder at my worst...those days I just want to be done.
I am worth your creativity
Your depravity.
Your time.
The real question is...
Are YOU worth mine?
Self-pity
I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
D.H. Lawrence
I said it once, but it was removed. So I'll say it again.......
Any man can put on a cowboy hat & boots, but it doesn't mean he can actually ride the horse. Just because he wears that hat, it doesn't make him a cowboy. And, it damn sure doesn't make him a gentleman.
"You're a helluva cook & a great fuck", he said. "But I don't want you, don't NEED you in my bed."
"Get up. Go home. You poor, pitiful fool. Your body was mine & just simply a tool".
You Dom's, you men, are all the same. You say what we want to hear. Make us believe. Then leave us feeling insane.
"How can you do this?", I scream. "You asked all the right questions. Said all the right things. You broke down my defenses....then took my trust and turned it into a game?".
"Was I ever anything? Anything at all to you? Or was I only intended to be a plaything? Just something to do."
I gave you my all. Body and mind. Trusted you with my secrets & was nothing but kind.
You had some struggles and a bit of a hard time. I was extra in checking on you. Making sure you were fine.
I wanted you to know, no matter what, I was there. That I gave a damn and truly cared.
My world went to shit in a matter of days. I was so confused, scared and lost in a haze.
So I turned to you, "my Dom", for advice. Started to work hard on my body and mind.
Things got better, then started to fade. You used to answer in minutes, then hours.. now it's been days.
I had a moment of weakness, but was honest with you about what I'd done. It was innocent, really, just a dance..a little fun.
I knew who my "Sir" was. I had no reason to lie. I told you I was loyal, and proved that several times.
I asked you to let me know when you made it home safe. And at 3 a.m., I got a message that was a slap in the face.
The last message you sent simply read "Home, partied, pissed, not pissed". Your cryptic words rang constantly in my head. What the fuck? What did I miss?
Was I not good enough? Did you just need an excuse? Or maybe I was too good & it was you that was confused?
I know you messaged me in a drunken state... But at least you could have some balls and be man enough to explain.
You once asked me "Don't you see I'm not like other men?". Oh no, no no hunny.... You're EXACTLY like them.
You've just proven to me, you "men", you "Dom's" are all the same. You take our most sacred trust and turn it in to a game.
I said it once, but it was removed. So I'll say it again.......
Any man can put on a cowboy hat & boots, but it doesn't mean he can actually ride the horse. Just because he wears that hat, it doesn't make him a cowboy. And, it damn sure doesn't make him a gentleman.
I never was "That girl". You know the one. The girl with the perfect hair & make-up, never left undone.
I never was "That girl". That one, over there. The one asked to all the dances & queen of the county fair.
I never was "That girl". The one sitting there. With her perfect dress & her perfect laugh. A man waiting in every chair.
No, I was always "That girl". You know the one. Hair up in a ponytail, makeup...next to none.
I was always "That girl". That one, over there. Just one of the guys, the Tom boy, never any flare.
I was always "That girl". The one sitting there. With her awkward dress & her awkward laugh. No one waiting. They were all unaware...
Of...
THIS girl. You know the one. The girl who was hiding. Waiting, for her moment in the sun.
THIS girl. The one right here. With a huge heart and sharp mind. She knows no fear.
THIS girl. The one standing here. Who is loyal to a fault, bearing her soul but standing tall. I, yes, I am fierce.
I am a healer by nature. When something or someone is broken, I do my best to make it/them better. I am giving & caring to a fault. So much so, that sometimes I do more harm than good without realizing it. Today was one of those days.
A friend was having an extremely hard day...hard last couple of days... which I didn't know until today. And what I thought might help, I believe, actually made matters worse. I sent 24 text messages in 7 hrs time today. They responded to 4 of those 24. I was called out & told it was excessive. They were right. I was at work & it was slow so I spent A LOT of time trying to talk to this friend. And it was mostly nonsense really. Nothing important that couldn't wait. I just thought a distraction might help. I was wrong. So wrong & I feel terrible. Like I said, I was politely called out & I honest to God didn't realize what I had done. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better for my friend & I'll be forgiven. Messages will be at a bare minimum tomorrow & I'll still feel crappy but that's ok. As long as they are better, I'll take all the awful.
A young girl asked me in all seriousness today what a plaything was. Apparently this is an unfamiliar term to some of the younger generation.
I didn't make fun...just explained what it was & told her I'd put the definition here.
Now, that you have the definition, young one, read the "plaything" post again & see if it makes more sense.
Plaything; noun
1. Someone who is of amusement and satisfaction to another, be it sexual or purely innocent, when they are beckoned (doesn't matter what age).
2. An object that is given to a child to distract them for a few moments so parents can do what they have to do. Toy