Sarah’s world

I kind of hate nighttime, it can go fuck itself maybe:) Let’s just start fresh tomorrow and call it.. or is there something there I’m meant to feel?

I need to find a rock to paint.  Where will I find it?  I want it to be as much like the one I painted as a child as possible.  My little little girl, who hadn’t been broken yet, and was joyful, asked me to follow through with this and I will!!  I look forward to it!  I WON’T disappoint her, I WON’T.  How sad to have been shoving her down all.. these.. years..  I will watch for how it affects me, I feel there will be meaning in doing it as well as such pleasure in present moment focus, appreciation and exploration of color and design..  

My sister wants to deny the bad memories but me, I find that unbearable.  To pretend all is well when it isn’t?  Or wasn’t?  No way, not anymore.  But I can connect with the joy of my little self though:) I can let her come out to play.  

My tea has kindly brought me a needed reminder today:) ❤️

In my childhood I was not encouraged to know myself, love myself, definitely not to trust me and being me wasn’t always important either.  I am so grateful to be a match finally to a program where I’m told such different things: there is nothing wrong with you, trust you, give love to you, be your authentic self…

Really happy where I am in life - hard won, hard to get past those ingrained patterns- but totally possible.  Super grateful for the help I’ve had, I hope to pass it on someday and maybe a little now by being in my greatness, striving just to just love me.  May sound selfish to some, but actually I find I have wayyyy more to give once I’ve given to me❤️ And actually it’s already a profound positive effect on my parenting and I suppose it emanates everywhere when I’m in a good space.  Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou 

A white thing (dresser), a black thing (shelf), and bright color everywhere surrounding. The pain when I realized he was dating HER. And then I later dated her for a few moments.  It isn’t even a thing, I just need rest..

Some men can be so TENDER.  My daddy’s hand on my heart, his lips on my forehead lingering transferring- love energy..

Puddle at my feet. Rain and rain and rain, one of the best things- rain.

Will you hold my shame daddy?  Can I bury my head into you?

last night I walked willingly into Dream World…

and today I was allowed to commune with a majestic thick legged white horse who was SO CALM and still - not like her..

and RIGHT NOW I don’t have time to hate me (!) and this realization helps me to quickly and fully RELEASE the stress with dancing movement and from my core a waterfall of bubbling up tears.  I know that I’m trying SO HARD - in fact I can relax a bit!  But I wish I could induce myself to throw up..

I SEE that it’s a blessing.  Being pushed over the edge.  Really this IS like throwing up. Emotionally.  The same relief comes afterward

I will grow in this.  With this challenge if I choose for love I will learn grow and become MORE

thanks again Aphrodite for this song that helps me so much now on repeat 

My wildly beating heart.  I feel it ping around in my chest like a ball in a pinball machine. Why does it do that?  I feel fear

RECEIVE my pain (a gift

EMBRACE my sadness with pink love bombs.  Then finally we walk to the river.  It is always Larry who offers me a hand up from the ground (a healer he is

Sit in sun, warm, placing wet sand on my limbs

Reveling in belonging❤️

I sleep in a storm, in my new grey blue storm colored flannel sheets - oh the COMFORT I feel while a thunderstorm rains down all around me through my earbuds.   

A blue and yellow bed now - I am stunned as I realize I’ve subconsciously chosen the colors that I tried to pick for my childhood bed.  Imagining the coveted white lattice sandals on the ground here I know that if ever I find a similar pair I will buy them on the spot.  

My Daddy sang to me last night!  What a VOICE🥰Speaking and singing, I could listen and listen eating that right on up.  And He read to me this poem!!!  which I LOVE which he wrote - years before he knew me and yet- it is for me.  Undeniably.  Uncannily.  What a beautiful exchange (my murmurs as words hit and hit..

This is TOO GOOD to fuck up ha - I, Sarah, will not fuck this up.. I, Sarah, WILL not fuck this up..  I Sarah will NOT fuck this up….

🙂

*cellocasters post on Eva Cassidy made me go look at my daddy’s rec’s from early on when we crashed into each other, as he loves Eva Cassidy too and considered her a hero for not selling out.. and I am currently enjoying his spotlight on Foy Vance

Thank God!  My energy had dropped scary low after my session with my daddy on Wednesday. I wondered could I be dying.  But finally today (lol bc it’s actually only been a couple of days) - I feel my energy emerging again with the help of music that gets me dancing hard.  Now, Larry told me to move physically in my isha Mtg Wednesday night ha but I felt I had to crash. I will note for the future that he was RIGHT.  Interesting to learn when to trust my gut and when to allow myself to be pushed (by the right people).  

I always feel the contraction will never end haha.  And then the expansion comes and I rejoice!  Thankyou to butterfliesandcuffs for some music choices to get my energy going and then I ended on a song I’ll share here which got me moving and also touched me - the pleading lyric “don’t give up on me” is for me about one part of me pleading to another part of me to please not to give up on me.  Does anyone do parts work?  I’ve done some and it’s been amazing - I’d like to do more.  Below I’ve included left handed writing from my self hating part.. 

So my pattern is that if more is touched than I’m quite ready for- I panic and try to shut down (eat and sleep a lot - my body literally loses most of its energy).  My goal then will be to move physically sooner, and to push myself to let the facilitators in (I probably need help then when I LEAST want it).  Also to remember that it WILL end 

I cling to you but you set me free.  We both like the rope.  Why when I look at you do your eyes pierce into me and I’m that girl on the toilet seat.  Eating chocolate to feel better, not knowing another way yet.  Bite after bite to numb the pain.  It’s not my fault, I didn’t do it, it might have been the bad boy down the street.  If only Mr. Blace would’ve complied.  If I could’ve snuck out of the house to see that boy.  If I was allowed to sit at the bar for several minutes longer before being retrieved.  These aren’t memories I want right now.  My pain consumes me, I must surrender.  If even death comes I won’t fight.  

My caterpillar brows

my beak

rubbing the oil into my skin, making little circles and pulling.  It feels SO good over my yellow bed.

Pressure on my eyeballs now, and on my jaw, warming my nose 

Creating HEAT now - I can feel my bones!  

Giving myself warmth I hover over the steaming chai tea in my glass pitcher

Praying to Istvan please Istvan touch me, please help me move 

And pacing pacing in my now good room, resisting feeling 

My zoom session with my good Daddy yesterday was STUNNING but it stirred up some things which I must look at and feel..

Meanwhile I have added PLANTS to my room!!!  This is something I have wanted.  Now there is a bonsai tree by my bed and a lucky bamboo plant on my dresser and if you go very close the smell is of the earth and Thankyou for THAT!

I open my heart and say YES to physical pain, yes to panic, yes to doing “nothing”

High ponytail, dresses that I hated and were scary going over my head, being restrained too long in a hug, bad breath 

Smell of throw up, peed bed and sleeping between the wall and the bed having fallen out.  Dreams of being happy and having a boyfriend, hiding, stealing my sisters Halloween candy

last night opening then shaking sweating happy but something else too and then very cold and NEEDING to eat.  They held me back a little and then I ate in front of people for the first time 

Chai tea chai tea, healing aroma, sweetness and heat, I can go on with my day having you inside me