I wrote a love letter to a boy in third grade at recess (Shelly wrote one to Josh and I to David) We put them in their lockers Josh ridiculed Shelly and David ignored me
Since I was never reflected I’d rather be ridiculed. I need to feel that I exist!
desperate in the roller rink 5th grade wanted Nick so bad but he chose a beautiful red haired girl Kristen I can see why but oh the pain..
hiding in bathroom stalls in middle school SO jealous of the girl with her hand in her boyfriends back pocket Sometimes when I go back I just shoot the baby that is me
frequently walking outside wishing a man would take me into his house, always having fantasies of my friends dad or when I’m babysitting the dad there
stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid
chunk it off and push it away
or feel it: apparently I’m supposed to learn how to grow comfortable in the abyss. But I don’t understand God because I thought I was supposed to turn around and connect with people after all? Sad sad no control How did I fall in this trap again? I thought I was beyond it I have my consciousness though or sometimes I do
Back to the ground only the cool walls to feel Unable
to get the pain I need worse maybe then being unable to orgasm in a dream Only pleasant option to
choose is surrender but this shit I hold onto
Turn around, walk away, it’s ok to be sad Feel the bark of the tree and cuddle
NOTHING
I will never again choose w man where I’m not seen
Even if I stay alone I usually like being alone it’s just if you give me a taste of something delicious it’s hard for me to not keep trying to get it again
Now I understand what my ex husband said about taking it all away