Sarah’s world

Mmmm I expressed and I am IN MY BODY (this makes me cry) rocking still but very gentle and stretching.  I can be good to me.  Still sad but at peace.  Didn’t think I could go deeper but I did!  Found a new internal space, how exciting!  Held Isha’s hand and went deeper deeper like she talks about when she actually had a moment of panic scuba diving.  Take me with you please (out of desperation and abandonment of self) then through Ari’s slightly annoyed prodding’s I stayed with Isha in the black bottom of the ocean like the book my mom gave me as a little child with pop out weird ass fish the kind that exist with no light at the bottom.  They welcomed me (touches me, sometimes the trees reachout to me too).  I WENT DEEPER!  Didn’t think I could.  I LET GO!  Despite the choke hold this thing of attachment has on me.  It will come back but I can keep coming back to me.  HOW FUCKING COMFORTING is that?!  :)  I screamed, I hit, I did a pataleta, I TOOK DIRECTION, I rocked and rocked and was present with me and I cuddled my comfort item and gave myself a rainbow brite doll (recurring, I think I will have to fine one).  Beautiful beautiful beautiful … the man I want isn’t here to hold me but it’s beautiful - I can hear I can feel I can love even breathing feels so lovely..  how is it possible to have this pleasure when I didn’t get what I wanted?  How interesting.  Now if something comes it will be the icing whereas I already have the cake lol.  What a beautiful process. I know I probably annoy people when I keep talking about it but it has been the best thing in the whole wide world for me and I’m so fucking grateful.  I really want to share it with someone, if anyone will give it a try I will pay your entry fee.