Lol like having a full on hard on? For me it’s the attachment. Lol and not lol it can cause a lot of pain for many people. Instant “I love you’s,” oversharing and men thinking it means one thing “we have this! It is special! It is unique!” when it doesn’t/it’s happened before for me. It’s stunningly beautiful though. And is it more harmful than having a raging hard on for a gorgeous girl? I dont know, I fear it is. My consciousness is beginning to touch on it though which will save pain for everyone. I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful.
And, I did an interesting exercise yesterday from one of Teal’s workshops- she had a woman who kept picking the wrong partners write HOME on a piece of paper and list everything/all the words that come to mind. On mine I wrote COLD angry not ok don’t exist not heard food rice lack of love unhappy false HIDE… and such things. Then she had us cross out “home” and replace w “love,” as in my association with love, what I think love is, is: cold, angry, not heard etc…. Interesting. She said when you feel MAJOR attraction it might be something to pass by unless you want a “learning relationship” ha. She said real love or a better match than what you might choose based off of a fucked up definition of love from childhood feels good, it’s not boring, but it’s more like a relief settled EXHALE…. And that it’s possible to both have yourself AND a relationship, I have always struggled with this too since I wasn’t allowed to have myself as a child. So I felt that EXHALE for sure the other night with my daddy, but then I failed to stay feeling connected. The disconnection happens fast for me especially when feeling so needy. Yesterday was amazing with my daughter but then suddenly quite difficult as she brought up some difficult stuff from the past and I was exhausted. My daddy was so responsive helpful and spot on in his advice re: her. I really appreciate that though he’s never met my children it really feels I have help with them and he keeps their best interests in mind first.
Anyway, both the Teal thing and my daddy were helpful and I feel seriously grateful to have found the right help for me after choosing many things that I found unhelpful and even harmful. But Teal also makes my head hurt haha she is so smart. Very clear too but for me I just need to feel feel feel. I am glad there’s an isha meeting today❤️
