I moved a lot after being judged by several here. But I still feel it and luckily it is coming out now with music and in tears. Feeling. I can say a facet- love creates me in my perfection. I ordered two new teal frequency wall hangings I’m so excited, when picking which frequencies these jumped out so clearly and the second made me immediately bawl: JOY (! My mother always said “I don’t care if you’re happy I just want you to be safe”) and AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP (to go right above my head on my bed❤️). I don’t want to live in self hate, what an incredibly destructive coping mechanism I learned. Such a program, a rut, but I’ve made much much progress with the isha system. “I don’t belong anywhere!” I cry out and she says “you belong here, and anyway that’s just an idea.” I come back again and again to my heart. My daughter re-did our living room and inspired me to finally clean and settle into my room. I am so happy about this it is truly magnificent. To place things here that are meaningful and special to me, to arrange color and meaning, to think I am worth it, and in looking through things I found my dads favorite quotes from his funeral and a book or two I wrote as a very small child! Interesting they are already about this type of dynamic I believe. Thankyou for letting me express here. I have hidden for so long and now want to be out in the world and just move when triggered. Today my daughter and I enrolled her for online school, I feel nervous about it but really good too. She told me today why she has me sleep by her “because of how grandpa died (out of nowhere in his sleep),” she’s monitoring me so I don’t die “I love you so much mom please don’t die.” She wants online bc of drama with girls at school, I support her I wish someone had taken me out of school. And she’s smart we’ll get her work done quickly and spend much more time at the horse farm😀👍❤️🙏
I want live with death in mind each day- to live fully.
Here are pictures from my book I wrote as a little child and the quotes my dad liked which were shared at his funeral.
