Sarah’s world

I lay on my bed and cry and cry and cry and cry, the tears running down my cheeks onto the comforter.  I am resistant to loving me- please let me choose it.  It hurts to let it in because I KNOW I am bad.  Sneak it in as a poison gas that I can’t help but breathe in once I can no longer hold my breath.  I have always played with my breath, in the pool, on my driveway in my fantasies, on the streets walking, with others.  Oh god I don’t deserve what I have.  It isn’t a helpful attitude, it doesn’t serve, but I cling onto it because I’m addicted to suffering.  I could choose differently.  I just want to be held by my daddy and cry.  I want to stay open to him.  Last night I closed and now I’m paying the price.  Yes to that.  Yes to not sleeping.  Yes to my beautiful room and getting things done today.  Yes to judgments against me. Yes to these tears.  Yes to floating in space until he comes to pull me down to earth.  Come into my heart all, I have no need to defend.  Thankyou for feeling