STRUGGLES
That about sums it all up in a word, Struggles!
Struggling with who I am. I would say I know what I am, but trying to get out there in society to who I am.
What am I? I am a middle aged male submissive that is new to the lifestyle. I wouldn't say clueless, as I have done some research, reading, and lived this submissive life online for almost 25 years. So may ask, "Then how can you call yourself new to the lifestyle?" Well I am new to the lifestyle because I am just starting to check out this lifestyle in real life situations.
See, What I am?? I am committed and loyal. I was married to my spouse, who wasn't in the lifestyle for 31 years. I never left her. I never cheated on her. I was faithful to her. I have Dominants that contacted my wife and said they would take me away from her. Those Dominants were never spoken to again, except to tell to go Fuck off, I don't play that game.
But I am loyal to my family and friends, that is one of my struggles. My vanilla life and kinky life don't mix right now. My family doesn't know that I have these urges and kinks. I don't want them to think different of me. I am somewhat of a professional that doesn't need that hassle of dealing with this life or to have questions raised. So I keep it all hidden away as I struggle to want the best of both worlds.
I struggle because I am not the best looking person. I see the pictures. I see what Female Dominants are looking for or showing off. I don't have the muscles, the chiseled abs, I am not skinny. Would I like to be?, Yes. But will I every be able? Probably not, not without some guidance. But I am old and basically have a "Dad Bod", because I was and am a Dad. I have other issues that let slide because I put the care and up keep of my family first. I did and will sacrifice for my family and friends. I always have and I always will.
I struggle, because I am a submissive. My life is about submission. I get defensive for others if others are being misused, but I find it hard to stick up for myself. I get nervous around Female Dominants, hell I get nervous around a lot of people until they decide to include me. I will sit in the background, not wanting to intrude on others peoples lives. I am that way in my vanilla life also. In every aspect of my life I am there to help others. I will do whatever I can to help out whenever possible. I get conflicted when my worlds collide and several people need or want things and I feel bad because I can please or satisfy everyone. Then I feel a failure.
I struggle because I want to grow in this lifestyle and learn. I desire to be a good submissive for someone or whatever. But I want to make sure my worlds don't intersect. So I guess I am conflicted. How can I be and desire to be for everyone, when I can't even stand up for myself?
The struggle goes on.....