My Thoughts

I don't think this writing will be profound, kinky, or erotic, I am sorry. I just have been reflecting on how I have been doing mentally and emotionally since my first party. I would say it was ultimately life changing, but I have seen some improvement in how I feel. I feel more at ease or relaxed. When I get stressed I just focus and work through it. Just like I focused and work through the party. What I experienced was exhilarating and helped me understand that I can do things if I put my mind to it. I got through college and graduated. I am adjusting to being single again (kind of). I am doing things for me. Part of that is doing thing for others that I have met. But at the same time of doing things for others I get something out of it. I get enjoyment. If I am lucky I get pleasure from the pain of impact play. But I have changed some. I am willing to put myself out there. I am not really active, but I am trying to fit it in with my other life. But taking the first step was helpful and now I will work on taking more steps. I think I have found my groove as to where I fit in and feel comfortable right now. But there is always room to grow.

I know you I have probably bored you all. But all I can say is keep pushing forward. Life will get better.

To some of you this may seem boring, to others it maybe a "No Shit" read. But here I go anyway...

I have been in this lifestyle for a lot of years. Just on the outer edges, like only online. That reason is I believe in commitment and loyalty. I was committed and loyal to my wife who was not in the lifestyle. So years and years went by with me just checking in online with Mistresses and Masters. I was the good subbie submitted to their whims. I felt I knew a lot, but I didn't know shit basically.

Fast forward after supporting my wife through her battles with cancer. Dealing with my depression and other issues I took the steps to try things in real life. I started off slowly, have had some not so great experiences because I was clueless, but this got slowly better. I need to thank those that put up with me not knowing what I was doing. Trying to had and over stepping my bounds. But I am growing.

But reflecting on recent events, and yes they have been events, I have seen myself improving, enjoying life more, and mentally happier. I see things less depressing right now. I see that I sort of am fitting into my skin. I am happy I have started to commit myself to reaching out into the lifestyle to find happiness. I am a male submissive. I basically have been that way all my life. It makes me happy to help others. But at the same time I ache for a chance to play. I enjoy a little impact play. The feel of the flogger, the paddle, the crop. The feel of the sting and the thud have sent me into happiness. Have corrected my attitude for a more positive and relieved feeling. Being of service to a powerful female, but also one that knows how to handle a beginner and keep them grounded mean the world to me. I want to thank all of you. I am strange and I can be annoying always asking what I can do for you. I don't know if it is to get attention or just wanting to make your life a little easier.

All I know is I feel better and more alive. I am happy with myself. I want more. But I will have to wait for the next big event. I need to work my way into being recognized and people feeling comfortable with me, AND me being comfortable with them. I enjoy this feeling and it is because I took a chance to open myself up to this world.

I know this has been a rambling entry. Thank you if you made it this far. I just needed to get this off my mind and out there to maybe help someone else to see there is a place for everyone.

So I went to another event tonight. This one was more people and not specialized. I felt sort of lost as I didn't know many people. I saw a few that I had met from the FemDom play party but they were surrounded by a mass of humanity. But this is something I will need to get use to if I want to get to know people, get recognized, and accepted.

One thing I may need to learn is to be more forward and talking to people. It isn't my style and I feel uncomfortable intruding on there conversations and lives. SO I just sort of stand back and watch. But I also sort of feel inferior as I am a male submissive and it seemed most of the males at the event were Doms. I know that isn't true, but it is my mental thinking. It is strange that in my vanilla life I can approach and tell males and females what they need to do and how to do it. But when I get into this lifestyle I am like, "If you need me I will be over here in the corner"

Then again the BIG BDSM scene isn't for me without someone in charge of me. Maybe I just search out just the FemDom scene and get broken in there. But I do have other events planned. Other adventures to experience. I just need to just keep swimming ... just keep swimming and don't give up. Things will get better someday.

It was amazing. It was everything I could ask for. Now I want more. I was allowed to help out two AMAZING FemDoms with their party. I have always considered myself a Service Submissive. I am built or have the mindset of helping others. That is my life inside and out of the scene or lifestyle.
Even though I mostly helped out by scheduling times on two pieces of equipment I was also checked on to make sure I was having a good time and was ok. You see I get intimidated with associating with Females of power or most anyone in power until I get real comfortable with them. As I watched I felt the ache of wanting to feel the strikes on my body. I wanted to feel the sting, but I didn't know if I ever would. But I was also content at the time to just live it in my mind as I watched, but the ache was there.

Then I had an interesting encounter with a Goddess and Her submissive who talked to me and was willing to let me experience what it felt like. When my duties were done for the time I took my place on the cross. The Goddess was caring and started off slow helping me go through the process. I felt the strikes, the blows and I was in heaven. I went into my zone, so content, but so alive. I took me back to when I first time I learned I enjoyed spanking and impact play. But it was so much more. Even though the session was long and the Goddess wanted to get to Her submissive I was so grateful for be using me. As I sat and watched more, I was in my happy place, and I still am almost a day later. I feel so good I feel so happy.

I went about the rest of the night helping out feeling excited and content. But my mind swirling about the next time, the next event. The is so much for me to learn and experience. I have gotten a taste and now I would like more. But I know I can't get into a frenzy and just jump in head first. I need to be controlled. I need to be safe. I just need to take my time. The time will come, and their is so much for me to learn.

Thank you to everyone that has gotten me to this point. I am at your humble service and devotion.

That is the kind of place I am in right now.  Sorting myself out.  I have a lot of thoughts going through my head.  Some I have chatted with have brought of past feelings.  They have felt good and I wonder if that is still me.  Others have brought of feelings of what type of a submissive am I.  I know what type of commitment I feel.  I serve and obey, but sometimes to the lack of taking care of myself.  Others are very important to me.  I want to serve and please them.  But I also need to take care of myself so I can better serve others.

So I have been working through these issues and also taking a bit of a vacation.  But still will be checking in.  I will come out of this better and more committed to what I feel I am.

STRUGGLES
That about sums it all up in a word, Struggles!

Struggling with who I am. I would say I know what I am, but trying to get out there in society to who I am.

What am I? I am a middle aged male submissive that is new to the lifestyle. I wouldn't say clueless, as I have done some research, reading, and lived this submissive life online for almost 25 years. So may ask, "Then how can you call yourself new to the lifestyle?" Well I am new to the lifestyle because I am just starting to check out this lifestyle in real life situations.

See, What I am?? I am committed and loyal. I was married to my spouse, who wasn't in the lifestyle for 31 years. I never left her. I never cheated on her. I was faithful to her. I have Dominants that contacted my wife and said they would take me away from her. Those Dominants were never spoken to again, except to tell to go Fuck off, I don't play that game.

But I am loyal to my family and friends, that is one of my struggles. My vanilla life and kinky life don't mix right now. My family doesn't know that I have these urges and kinks. I don't want them to think different of me. I am somewhat of a professional that doesn't need that hassle of dealing with this life or to have questions raised. So I keep it all hidden away as I struggle to want the best of both worlds.

I struggle because I am not the best looking person. I see the pictures. I see what Female Dominants are looking for or showing off. I don't have the muscles, the chiseled abs, I am not skinny. Would I like to be?, Yes. But will I every be able? Probably not, not without some guidance. But I am old and basically have a "Dad Bod", because I was and am a Dad. I have other issues that let slide because I put the care and up keep of my family first. I did and will sacrifice for my family and friends. I always have and I always will.

I struggle, because I am a submissive. My life is about submission. I get defensive for others if others are being misused, but I find it hard to stick up for myself. I get nervous around Female Dominants, hell I get nervous around a lot of people until they decide to include me. I will sit in the background, not wanting to intrude on others peoples lives. I am that way in my vanilla life also. In every aspect of my life I am there to help others. I will do whatever I can to help out whenever possible. I get conflicted when my worlds collide and several people need or want things and I feel bad because I can please or satisfy everyone. Then I feel a failure.

I struggle because I want to grow in this lifestyle and learn. I desire to be a good submissive for someone or whatever. But I want to make sure my worlds don't intersect. So I guess I am conflicted. How can I be and desire to be for everyone, when I can't even stand up for myself?

The struggle goes on.....