Pieces of me...

At work tonight I came across a patient very much like I used to be.

A person who reached their breaking point and had the presence of mind to ask for help. 

Treated like he was less than human by staff and LEOs, I wanted to tell him there is hope and help for him. That I was proof desolation can be overcome. 

It takes looking thru the window in the door of the padded room.... ON THE OTHER SIDE this time.... to refresh my baring and fortitude. To spark again my compassion and hope in people. 

...I sit as overwatch while he rests wearily in a room full of chaos...

When hes ready I'll release a piece of my soul. I can only pray it's enough for his to reignite. 

Some of my favorite quotes...

You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”

"It gives me strength to have somebody to fight for; I can never fight for myself, but, for others, I can kill."

"I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia."

"Perfume was first created to mask the stench of foul and offensive odors... Spices and bold flavorings were created to mask the taste of putrid and rotting meat... What then was music created for? Was it to drown out the voices of others, or the voices within ourselves? I think I know."

"I am my heart’s undertaker. Daily I go and retrieve its tattered remains, place them delicately into its little coffin, and bury it in the depths of my memory, only to have to do it all again tomorrow."

"Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon 'em."

"I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on, and I'm not fighting it. If I have to go through this, I will glean from it any small benefit I can receive. I will not fight this. Bring it on. Bring on the cure. Bring on the fucking happy. I'm committed."

I try not to do anything in haste.

I do not like becoming emotional.

But, it is hard for me not to notice certain cues... whether that be a pattern or action

Its like witnessing a car accident. You see the car about of collide with another, the pit of your stomach knots up and endorphins flood your system creating an erie anxiety. Thoughts of terror and sadness circle your consciousness... but the one thing you cannot do is look away.

I get the erie feeling and anxiety when I realize what's about to go down. Immediately I want to hit the kill switch and coast to a stop but I doubt my judgment and stay the course, ignoring the signs. 

Then impact... fruition 

Instead of slowing to a stop im thrown into the windshield thru no fault but my own. 

In a daze, emotions happen... I hate being emotional. It is not until a bit later I can make a decision and act in reason. Reason - my tow truck, scooping up the mangled emotional mess and carrying it away. Attempting to leave no trace of a  collision, but there's always some broken glass or tire marks left on the ground.

When it all could have been avoided if I heeded the road sign....

i started an outline for a book. a lifestlye book actually...

i find things a little turbulant right now and i do my best writing when outside of my peace. i have a collection of thoughts and things ive learned over the past 20 years... some i have blogged about previously, that ive been told helped other submissives. Writing that has inspired and entertained. 

I do not expect to live off my writing but if it reaches a submissive otherwise unreachable, and helps them... I consider that a win.

The IDEA of me is often seen shiny and bright... like a brand new penny in the eyes of a kid.

Such great value placed upon it. 

After years of wear and passing thru numerous hands, that penny becomes tarnished.

It becomes easier to discard for the next new penny shining in the sun. Leaving the old penny on the ground "heads down", warding off any passersby from scooping it up.

When I open up, exposing the faults and demons I carry... it tarnishes the gift of my submission. Suddenly my value decreases to a level that discarding me becomes easy. 

Have I fallen "heads up" sometimes...? Maybe once or twice allowing another to have the desire to pick me up. Only to decay and dull once again and end up back on the sidewalk. 

My submission suffers because it seems as if I serve my demons, I suppose. Although I know them by name, I no longer invite them to my bed. 

I'm open in all things. Communicate maybe too much, but I will hide nothing. I have been accused of being "too...." this, that, and the other. Which wreaks havoc on my submission as well. 

I have such a desire to serve... but being who I am destroys it's shine.

....anyways