24/7 Service Submission
Some Context:
I entered into a non sexual online dynamic because I needed help staying consistent and accountable. Which at first it was amazing, I could feel my sub space again. The dom, My dom, he is great but can be super busy sometimes. After starting the dynamic, I realized very fast the urge to make him happy, proud, get his attention, etc continued to grow and grow. Now this is the problem; the dynamic is structured more as a friendship/mentorship then romantic relationship.
First problem:
I want more, I want him to control me, I crave 24/7 to any extent. I crave his attention, approval, his time. However, i have done nothing to earn it. I realized this today, I haven't earned anything. Sir has been so kind,patient, and helpful to me. What have I done for him? NOTHING. This made me cry, I've been so selfish, so focused on finally having someone there to help me in so many ways. Yet, what have I done for him? No wonder he is always busy or stressed....
Second problem:
This type of dynamic is closer to a M/S dynamic. However, not fully; simply because Sir still wants/needs a live in. Which I can not provide as im a married mom (yes my husband is aware i have a dom and no he does not care). "the nature of our dynamic we discussed was mainly to do check ins." I find this to be constantly confusing because I wanna serve to my full extent, I want to be used to please him, I want to be a good slave. However that is not what this dynamic is.
Third problem:
Sir and I are both poly, however I don't beileve Sir wants me. Yet, my feelings for him continue to grow and turn into a craving. I've already told him, I enjoy his voice. When I hint to a possible relationship or the possibility of more, it gets shut down because I'm not fully what he wants. This is hard because I love our dynamic but I struggle to tame myself. I struggle to not voice what I'm thinking. I struggle with boundaries....
I feel I have crossed so many lines, been a bad sub, useless, and selfish.... and at this point I don't even feel worthy enough for him but I also dont wanna lose him ? I think im in sub drop but if you read this, please leave anything helpful in your opinon and thank you for your time. I hope you have a wonderful day ❤️