Until very recently, I wanted so many things but knew I wouldn't be able to have them for a very long time. I was able to hide behind that knowledge rather than confronting some hard truths of fear and insecurity. It didn't matter because my hands were figuratively tied on the matter. I wasn't able to obtain my wants so I could wallow in denial and ignore. Everything has shifted so unexpectedly and I'm reeling. It's been weeks now and I can't wrap my head around it.
Abruptly, I find the biggest obstacle that stood in my way is no longer there - freedom. I now have the freedom to come and go in a way that I could not have foreseen for at least another 10 years or more. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?! It's like the stray dog kept in a cage at the shelter and then the door opens, but it won't go out because it doesn't understand. It's been in the cage so long that the ability to step beyond is a foreign concept. It's scary and unknown whereas at least it knows what to expect in the cage. What is outside the cage? A happy home? Euthanasia?
The next biggest obstacle isn't even THAT big anymore. Still there but nowhere near as pressing. Time. I didn't have the time, namely because I didn't have the freedom. Now there is more time, more availability. Just what the fuck am I to do?! I can now devote time to pursuing the things that I want. There was no point prior due to lack of freedom. Time is of the essence....
Now, I have no choice but to admit, the only thing stopping me from reaching for what I want and reveling in it is myself. My fears. My insecurities. Me, myself and I. But oh how I want, I crave, I need...so much. I want it all...and I can have it. I only have to step.
