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Mo Cumhacht

Work in Progress...

"Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."
- August Wilson
2 years ago. June 25, 2022 at 2:43 AM

Until very recently, I wanted so many things but knew I wouldn't be able to have them for a very long time. I was able to hide behind that knowledge rather than confronting some hard truths of fear and insecurity. It didn't matter because my hands were figuratively tied on the matter. I wasn't able to obtain my wants so I could wallow in denial and ignore. Everything has shifted so unexpectedly and I'm reeling. It's been weeks now and I can't wrap my head around it.

Abruptly, I find the biggest obstacle that stood in my way is no longer there - freedom. I now have the freedom to come and go in a way that I could not have foreseen for at least another 10 years or more. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?! It's like the stray dog kept in a cage at the shelter and then the door opens, but it won't go out because it doesn't understand. It's been in the cage so long that the ability to step beyond is a foreign concept. It's scary and unknown whereas at least it knows what to expect in the cage. What is outside the cage? A happy home? Euthanasia?

The next biggest obstacle isn't even THAT big anymore. Still there but nowhere near as pressing. Time. I didn't have the time, namely because I didn't have the freedom. Now there is more time, more availability. Just what the fuck am I to do?! I can now devote time to pursuing the things that I want. There was no point prior due to lack of freedom. Time is of the essence....

Now, I have no choice but to admit, the only thing stopping me from reaching for what I want and reveling in it is myself. My fears. My insecurities. Me, myself and I. But oh how I want, I crave, I need...so much. I want it all...and I can have it. I only have to step.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I've been there! Gawd it's scary, taking that first step...and then the next. You are NOT alone!!!

But it's worth it! Take that step. Baby steps at first but soon, you'll be taking flying leaps!
2 years ago
HurtSoGood - Thank you,, I'm trying...but honestly, I'm still even trying to digest the fact that I CAN take any steps at all 😅😅
2 years ago
SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I totally understand. The feeling will pass, I assure you. My circumstances may have been different, but sometimes, the little freedoms of choice are the biggest. It could be as small as the ability to turn off a light at will to accepting a date invitation or buying a car. Sure, there is a learning curve for some things (like buying a care and understanding what insurance terms are), but the feeling of CHOICE.....the best thing in the world.
2 years ago
HurtSoGood - Even tho we logically know we aren't alone in our feelings, it's always nice to have the reassurance that others have walked a similar path and come out on the other side. Thank you for the encouragement! It is appreciated 😊
2 years ago
Authenticly honest - Us people are scared of changes even if we feel comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
For as long as we live changes are unavoidable and usually they come when we list expected them.
One of the best elements in our lives is the unknown that TOMORROW brings, some times good or happy or bad and unhappy.
It seems that you're chasing freedom over the speed limits so please slow down and smell the daily roses even if they are not in front of your nose.
Life is like peeling onions that they bring tears and sweet tastes and peeling our lives onions takes time and yes time and time as there is no use to harry up just go with the flow.
Experiences in our life are the best teachings we accumulate discarding the bad ones and keeping the good ones.
Yes I am older now, wisher with peace of mind and see everything in positive ways.

I would love to chat with you if you email me at my profile.
Sincerely and respectfully Peter
2 years ago
HurtSoGood - I appreciate the insight. I do not feel that I am chasing freedom rapidly. I have been patient and resigned for many years. Now, I am simply learning how to embrace and accept things in my life that previously seemed unobtainable. And part of that is the freedom to be able to go out and make adult connections. Freedom to pursue the things which I have wanted with my whole being but had resigned myself to it being an impossibility for many more years to come. And now it has changed. It's just a matter of making sure that I continue to navigate this new chapter in a way that is healthy and positive. It is an intimidating amount of responsibility one carries for themselves. To be able to stand outside of the immediate, impulsive reactions and keep an eye on the end goal. Or to be able to put yourself in check and be honest when you know you are doing something inauthentically or harmfully.
2 years ago
Authenticly honest - A always is so difficult to know some one by just an email exchange especially people complicated like us.
2 years ago

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