So what is love? Some of you probably replied with"Baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me. No more." and you would be right. But I had a more particular definition from my favorite homicidal droid HK-47:
"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, 'love' is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and strangely enough, not many meatbags would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose... against statistically long odds..." HK-47 from Knights of the old republic. And while this is a very silly quote. I thought of it after reading a post from a favorite blogger of mine on love. And well it struck home in a weird way. You see my kitten and I are separated physically at the moment. I had an opportunity to spend time with my family I haven't seen in a few years and she made it work so that I could.
Unfournetly she couldn't necessarily join me for the full time so we're back to long distance. It's not that long and she's not that far so we've seen each other a few times. But it makes me think back to when we were in college making our Highschool relationship survive long distances, drama, growing, and figuring out who we really are (though that's still an ongoing process.) and it's made me realize how much I miss her, how much I need and crave her. And I don't mean just in the physical sense. Sure that's there too we were discussing what scenes we should plan and a few cool things in the kink community she found in our new home and it felt like my skin was burning I wanted her so badly.
But that subsided and I realized I missed the aftercare. The little parts of our dynamic that bleed into our day-to-day lives. we don't do a 24/7 lifestyle but we definitely have aspects of the dynamic around at all times and I miss that as well. We've done the long-distance thing before so we know how to handle it and we finally got the Lush 2 and will hopefully be playing with that soon. but the separation has given me time to think and given me time away from an unhealthy environment that I was in and letting myself get impacted by more than I should of.
Before we left the midwest to head back to the mountains. (Mountains how I've missed you) she sat me down and we had a very open and honest talk about her needs. (thank you kink for the communication we've developed.) You see I wasn't meeting either of our needs but especially hers where it came to the dynamic or the relationship in general. She wasn't mad and was very supportive and understanding of my struggles and being exhausted by work and the area we were in. And she simply asked me that when we move if I could be a bit more attentive and romantic. our version is usually a mix of flowers and ropes, paddles, and hot wax. But you know to each their own. I told her I would and I plan to. I knew I hadn't been at my best and that I had dropped the ball.
I've heard the phrase never stop dating your wife and I used to live by that. And she had never stopped dating me. But I grew complacent. Now, this is not meant to be a negative or woe is me post. Life is full of turns and we all slip up and need those gentle reminders from time to time. And as things go I like to think that even when I was complacent I was still a decent husband and dom. No the real point of this post is to praise my Kitten. It was to set the scene of how amazing she is. As a switch who primarily doms I always knew that being a sub might be a bit too hardcore for me. Not because I don't like submitting but because they are tough as nails. I used to think being a Dom meant no insecurity and no vulnerability. But I now know that is way off base thanks to her. It's about being able to communicate and support another person confidently sure. And subs by their very nature seem to embrace the vulnerable parts of themselves and make that their strength. That's the opposite of me.
But from my perspective as her Dom, it's also about giving a dom space to be insecure and vulnerable to support them and find their ways both as a dominant and as a partner. To put it in my normal terms subs are the best support players there because if they do their job right You don't know half the work they do and how much effort and energy they spend on the relationship. I'm not a good dom or husband on my own. I am a good dom and husband because she gives me the space to be and patience for me to figure it out sometimes. Now because I know she'll argue that she's not perfect and probably get uncomfortable that I'm painting her to be the goddess that she is. My kitten is not perfect but that's just another one of her strengths we have room to be perfectly flawed people in our relationship and to support each other to become the best versions of ourselves. It's one of the things I love about kink. We get to be open and vulnerable with each other and we've learned to communicate better and express our needs without animosity.
So while I miss my kitten I appreciate the time that I have to pine after her and miss her so bad it hurts. I appreciate the time I've had to reflect on her and our dynamic and our relationship. I appreciate the time I've had to think over my own failings (and success but I'll save tooting my own horn for a post not praising how much of a good girl my kitten is.) And how I can improve. I appreciate all this and her most of all. But while distance makes the heart grow fonder... It really fucking sucks at the same time.
