I overheard two couples today while in a department store. Each could not have been more different, and they caused me to examine my own history and what I desire for a future dynamic.
The first conversation occurred in the dressing room next to mine. A man doted on his wife as she tried on dresses for an event. He gathered different colors and sizes for her. He zipped her carefully so as not to snag her hair. When she finally asked him to enter the dressing room as she tried on the last few he expressed discomfort but went along to please her. Being the kinky sort I am this caught my ear and I was expecting some sordid tomfoolery. I was wrong, it was completely G-rated. What I heard was her openly express to him her insecurities about her body and how she looked. This man could not have been more loving and supportive. He was honest, but kind and encouraging. She was sad about the effect that age was having on her breasts and he mentioned how great her arms looked. It was nothing short of beautiful and their love of many decades was evident. He saw this woman as so much more than just her outer shell.
The second conversation occurred as I was waiting in line to pay. The man was brutal to his partner. He expressed his displeasure for the line, for the garment she chose to purchase, for the price she was willing to pay, and for having to accompany her to the store in the first place. When his complaints yielded no results he resorted to telling the woman she looked "hideous" in the top and that he would be embarrassed to be seen with her in it. They left without making the purchase, and she was nearly in tears.
Witnessing such cruelty took me back to my own abusive marriage of 17 years. It felt like daggers in my heart. Over time my self-esteem had been eaten away and I wound up a shell of the person I had once been. I went through years of therapy to process what had occurred, including taking ownership for the parts that I had allowed, and learned boundaries to prevent this from ever happening again. It's difficult for me to be naturally submissive and to enforce boundaries and I haven't always done the best job of it. Either I've been overly reactive to situations or overly permissive. Striking a healthy balance is something I'm still improving.
Yet sometimes I witness a loving couple like in the dressing room and my heart soars. It didn't make him any less of a man to be loving to his bride, and she respected him in return. They seemed indescribably happy. That gives me reason to hope.
