Truth

Not going to make any New Year’s resolutions, as most of them don’t last beyond Mid-January. What I am going to do is be thankful and grateful for the people in my life. Wish whose who are no longer in my life all the best. This year has taught me to match energy with some people. And to let them show me who they are and their place in my life. Not everyone deserves my attention and energy. Continue to work on myself and focus on being a good person. And concentrate on my self esteem issues and find things that bring me Joy. 

May the new year bring you all good health, love and happiness. 

I stood up for myself. I explained what I wanted and needed and set a boundary. Sounds simple, right. Well it has taken me 2 years of therapy to get to this point where I could finally put me first. And it doesn’t matter what the details were surrounding the situation, other than it triggered something for me. And their response was to try and “mansplain” themselves and their actions. So I told them that I was going to step away from the situation and that I expect them to respect my decision. I didn’t go into a million reasons why or explain myself trying to justify my decision. I simply stated what I was going to do. And I am fully prepared to block them if they don’t respect my wishes.

It’s baby steps, I know. But also….yay me!

So…..randomly saw the man that broke my heart on FB with his GF. Apparently she and I have a mutual acquaintance. I wish I could say that I had evolved enough to scroll past without a second thought. But no. I blocked her and then blocked the mutual acquaintance. It had taken me years to get over him. The really sad part is that I knew he didn’t love me the whole time we dated (almost 6 years), but I was willing to stay with him because I loved him. I said “ILY” to him once and he said “thanks” in return (OUCH!). And when asked why he never said it I got a whole song and dance about how he was traumatized from his marriage breaking up and he couldn’t say it but that I shouldn’t doubt his feelings for me, blah blah blah. I would have been with him to this day if he hadn’t broken up with me (by text no less, but that’s another issue). That’s right, I would have settled for an emotionally unbalanced relationship. Had I been a stronger person at the time and knew my worth I should have left him first because he wasn’t able or willing to meet my emotional needs.

Lessons learned

1) I am capable of great love and will do anything for that person

2) I deserve love in return 

So that’s why I’m still single. I will never settle again. A man has to bring everything to the table with me for there to be any chance of any kind of relationship or future. 

Another year around the sun. Filled with changes, disappointments, joys and blessings. I’ve had my eyes opened this past year to parts of myself that I never knew. I’m looking forward to continuing that journey. And I won’t give up the search for my person. ?

I won’t post certain photos just to try and gain followers or likes

I won’t play with random people

I won’t show my face unless I have spoken with you or met you outside of this site

I won’t give up my convictions or values

I won’t settle

I won’t reach out if I’m interested in someone, my lack of self esteem gets in the way and I don’t feel like I’m “good or attractive enough”

I won’t waste my time on those who don’t value or deserve it

But that also means I won’t be popular here

I won’t have messages filling my inbox

I won’t have people reaching out to want to talk with me

I won’t have people checking on me when I go silent

I won’t be noticed when I’m gone

And it also means that I probably won’t find my person here

But I also won’t completely give up

It’s a day of reflection 

deep in my head and heart 

regrets and missed opportunities 

joys and hopes

combine leaving me in a jumbled mess

not knowing which way is up

struggling to breathe

gasping for clarity

knowing my worth and yet feeling unworthy

lovely but unloved

Hoping that sleep brings some peace 

My pelvic floor therapist (also treating SI Joint Dysfunction) tells me to focus on “closing the curtains” when doing my kegels and now I don’t think I can refer to my labia (inner and outer) as anything else. Although would one be considered sheers and the other the curtains?  ?

Thank you for everything that you did for me.
The experiences you provided me. 
The safety you took responsibility for. 
The lessons you taught.
The laughter and smiles.
The deep conversations.
Trusting me with part of your history and heart.

I am sorry for how things ended.
I take full responsibility. I know that I freaked out. The reality of our situation got the best of me. I wanted things I knew I couldn’t have. 

You have set the bar very high and I can only hope and pray to find something like that again.

I wish you happiness, good health, and lots of love. And I hope you find what you are looking for.  

So I was chatting online to this guy who claimed to be a dominant. Within our first 2 (very brief) messaging conversations he:

- Provided me with his list of 164 commandments that I was to follow

- Showed me a photo of toys he had already purchased for me

- Set up our life plan for mixing vanilla and the kink lifestyle

- told me that I’m his 100% focus now

- Sent me an unsolicited ? pic

- demanded that I provide him with my calendar and give him 100% access to him on certain days of the week

I’m grateful to the people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had to know that I immediately had to block him (after keeping documentation of all of this including the outside research I had done on who he was just in case I needed it in the future if he ever found me on another site). Totally creepy behavior.

Just a reminder to always do your homework and keep safe out there. Never give personal or private information until trust has been established and vetting has taken place. 

I may not have found my person, but I absolutely 100% know who are not my people.

Trusting You to guide and train me

Hearing Your words and taking them to heart

Opening myself up to everything You have to offer

Making me the best I can be

Accepting Your time and effort with my whole heart

Smiling because I’m your horny little slut

Thank you, Sir, for believing in me and seeing my potential and value. I will do my best to make You proud of me.