It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve been suffering at the hands of an abuser, especially if they are a friend or family member. For a survivor, reaching out to someone can be one of the most difficult things to do and the words you choose are ultimately the difference between compounding the situation or helping to make it better.
When talking to a survivor of abuse, be sure to use specific phrases that avoid victim shaming.
What to say:
“I believe you."
“It’s not your fault."
"It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.”
"You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“You are not alone."
"I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”
“I’m sorry this happened."
"This shouldn’t have happened to you.”
"Thank you for telling me, I know it was difficult to do."
"I’m very glad you told me."
"I’m concerned about the health and safety of you and your children."
"There are people who can help you."
"I'm sorry you have been hurt."
"You are not to blame."
"No one deserves to be treated this way."
"I understand how difficult it is to change this situation."
"I will support you no matter what you decide to do."
What not to say:
"What did you do to make them hit you?”
“If it were me, I wouldn't put up with this."
“Why don't you just leave?
"Why do you stay with someone like that?”
“Why did you wait so long to say something?”
“Have you tried counseling?”
“Let me give you something for your nerves.”
“Why don’t you....”
One of the most important things to remember as an advocate is not to victim shame. Abuse is never the survivor's fault. There is never any reason to abuse or violate consent, ever.