Who would think my life would change in less than 5 months.
oh yes, sex is great. I enjoyed the spanks, being chocked, the sex in public places and the cuffs.
The heartbreaking? Realizing I’m a very dependent person? How I have avoidant attachment and I can’t fully invest into something but at the same time I can’t let it go?
how I hurt a person because of that?
not so much.
i just wanna be happy and feel like myself again.
I’m ready to start living
I’m ready to go to the movies without being scared to see him, I’m ready to go shopping without checking if he’s there, watching.
I'm ready to see myself and think “God, I’m so pretty and lovable and anyone would be so damn happy to be with me”
I’m ready to let people in, to flirt and date and have sex and have a relationship.
I’m not what happened to me when I was a kid.
I’m so damn ready
I get sad every time I see a picture before my incident. I look happy and innocent and I wish I could protect that little girl, just keep her safe.
I know I can’t.
Sometimes I think I wouldn’t be the person I am now if that wouldn’t have happened, and I’m a great human being.
But why that?
Let’s protect our kids from sexual abuse, encourage them to talk to you or any other adult about the things that make them uncomfortable, to protect themselves and their bodies.
A lot of things worry me, but right now the situation in my country it’s out of control.
Yes, the president is a jerk and a liar. Our economy is bad, incredibly bad like you have no idea. We don’t have medicine, water, the food is expensive af, scholarships, schools for our children and also daycare centers, treatment for cancer and other diseases but now I’m scared.
Mexico is being militarized.
Ever police men is being force to quit so the government doesn’t have to pay them, and the army is now taking control of our cities, roads, everything.
I’ve seen a lot of bad shit, but for the first time I’m genuinely scared.
This two last weeks of classes are very important (exams and certifications) and difficult but at least I have 2 months to relax, right?
No.
I do have 2 months but you have no idea how bad I feel if I don’t have a schedule, a time to wake up and sleep, a daily menu, activities to do. Just order, organization and rules.
During spring break I stayed home and I felt so damn depressed with nothing to do, I feel sad and like I don’t have a purpose.
I’m looking for a place to start an internship (school related and mandatory to graduate next year) and I really want to, I love being productive and having a reason to wake up. I hope I find something.
A friend told me I should buy a coloring book and make my own schedule but I don’t know where to start or how to do it, and even, if I’m strong enough to follow my own rules lol
I’m definitely freaking out.
When you are a victim of sexual abuse, a lot of things go through your head. We all have and live a different process and it’s like our lifetime suddenly stops.
For a very long time, during my healing process (understanding it wasn’t my fault, feeling pretty again, going out without being scared), I started to do a lot of things that means a lot to me because it might be small or nothing to others but it’s huge to me.
I started to explore my sexuality when I was 17-18 but now? For the first time in my life I want to have sex. Not even date, or at least not yet but I’ll talk about that later lol.
I mean, having penetrative sex, kisses, groping, oral sex, something normal because I get not everyone likes the same stuff I do and it might be a little too much if it’s my first time and I might get overwhelmed but damn.
sex sex sex
i want it.
or maybe I don’t And I’m confused?
It’s not my first time here in The Cage, I used to be spaceprincesscs but I don’t think I’m that person anymore.
I went to so many funerals, became a nurse to a person who’s not here anymore, took care of kids, cry and rediscovered myself and well, I’m not her anymore.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to be a big girl, but I had to be, and now, it feels like I’m drowning and crying every night because I feel small and lonely and I don’t know how to handle it anymore.
I guess that’s life?
A friend of mine asked me while I like the whole bdsm thing and my answer was order and control. Feeling like everything is perfectly organized in my life, in my body and soul and like I can let someone else take care of things, take care of myself and feel safe and protected.
damn