I didn't know that when I started this journey that letting go of old trauma would be part of it, but wow what a great bonus! To be clear I have a bit of new trauma as well, but that was actually easier to let go of than the old stuff. In chatting with E, I told him about my past traumas and he said, "Why do you give those asshats ANY space in your head? They're in the past, it's over, and you better believe that when you're with a Dom and he wants to do something that you feel bad about, you better not be thinking about anything but him. If I wanted to lick that pussy and you admitted that you were back there with them and not here with me (because I would have to tell him), you would definitely get a punishment!"
Now, my ghosts are old, I know this. They only have the power that I've allowed them to have all these years. I know many other people that have sexual trauma of varying degrees and it's not that easy to get past it. Everyone is different, we're all different people, and our experiences are all valid. And therapy is really important. But in my case, E was able to help me let go of my old ghosts. So please don't think that I think that this solution is for everyone, or that I'm belittling your pain. I am looking back at mine over a period of many years.
So trauma:
My new trauma is from the breakup of my marriage. While I was going through treatment for the pre-cancer in my breast, I was in the process of filing for divorce from my husband. He wasn't working (yeah, I know, don't say it) and so he was still living in our house with me as his name was on the deed. He spent those months doing his best to manipulate me into thinking that we should still have a relationship (meaning fuck) even though we were getting divorced. I didn't fight too hard because I was fighting through treatment, all those scans, then surgery, then 3 weeks of radiation. He was constantly gaslighting me, trying to make me think that I was the one at fault, I was the problem, I was depressed - but I was NOT any of those things! At one point he lost it when I cut off the sex, got ugly, wouldn't let me leave, made lots of threats, etc. Cops had to come get him but he was out of the house after that.
I was affected strongly by this at the time but it started to fade after a few weeks. I stopped jumping at shadows, starting sleeping better, the divorce was finalized by the judge - I was able to move forward because I have a very strong emotional base at this stage of my life. He dented me a bit but did not break me, as I like to put it.
My OLD trauma was with me far longer than it should have been. When I was 21 (I'm 53 now) I dropped out of college. I'd been struggling for years and was depressed, sinking deeper all the time. I rented a crappy trailer and got a job delivering pizza. I felt isolated as we had moved to another state after I finished high school, so I didn't have any friends. I developed a huge crush on a fellow driver around my age, and he took me me home one night. We hung out a few times with his much older friend (in his forties) and then one night I fucked both of them together. It was exciting, my first threesome and I think first anal too. BUT then it became a thing, they wanted it every weekend. I was convinced I was desperately in love with the one guy, so I went back, over and over again until it became something that I would dread.
Why would I dread it? Well after the first time, they weren't content to just have sex. They had to drink beer for HOURS before dragging me off to bed. Lol to this day I have exactly zero patience with whiny drunks, because they would drink and whine for hours about who they used to be, what they used to have, solve the problems of the world, etc. I would end up with a blinding headache, dry mouth, and just feel lousy by the time they wanted sex. I was a lightweight when it came to drinking - I still am. But I kept going back because I thought I loved the one, and he would call me up and when I didn't want to come over he would say, "but we love you!" Yeah, WE love you. But I went anyway, insecure young girl that I was.
After they'd drag me off to bed, I had to get them both off or I didn't LOVE them. And it's really tough to get someone off when they've been downing beers for hours, and then times that by 2. Then they would try to get me off. I say try because that's when I learned to fake it. I was so incredibly tired and thirsty, and my head hurt so bad. The older one always went down on me. It ALWAYS hurt. I would tell him not so hard, it hurts. He would say, "That don't fuckin hurt, that feels fuckin great and you know it!" and continue to do it. This went on for about a year before I worked up the courage to walk away.
So I learned to really hate someone licking my pussy. It makes me feel intensely vulnerable and I expect it to hurt, so I have trouble spreading my legs for someone to do that. I actually hated sex in general for several years after that, was already in a black depression, didn't get therapy, etc. etc. But this particular act was the last holdout from that year. I got over the rest over time.
I never got past this because the men that I was with after that were never into it, they were fine not going down on me. Since they didn't feel like trying, I didn't feel like I had to get over it.
When E came along I shared my feelings on this with him. See the first paragraph for what he said to me. He then told me to go out and hike, and stop and think about the past along the way. Think about how I'm here where I am, and they're long gone. I'm strong, capable, happy, a competent professional woman, and now I'm finding my place in the BDSM world. Why let something from so long ago still affect my enjoyment of sex? He told me to find a way to symbolically let it go. I went hiking that next afternoon and did just as he said. I stopped at different points along the way. I thought about it. I looked around me at all the beauty of nature. And I let it all go.
I thanked E for helping me let it go. He said you just needed someone to order you to do it. I agreed. A therapist would have had me working through how it made me feel. A friend would have given sympathy. Neither of those things would push me to move past it. But trusting him and allowing him to help me let it go - that actually worked.
We've discussed several times how I would feel if he went down on me, just checking in really to make sure I'm still good. And I am. I look forward to eventually experiencing that either with him, if we are able to get together again, or with a future Dom or Master.