I've been thinking about this topic more lately. I've been chatting with another Dom on another site who approached me respectfully. We're getting to know each other a bit with no expectations. Lol it's good practice, I share with E what we discuss and my feelings about it - he doesn't require that, but I like to get his take on things.
This Dom, we'll call him B, is in a situation similar to mine regarding divorce, however not quite as far along as I am. His isn't quite finalized yet, and I'm about 5 months out from mine. He has been into kink for years, but it's really a new landscape for him because his wife was not, and advised him to seek it elsewhere. So now he's free, and rethinking a lot of things.
Non-monogamy is one of those things, and I've been thinking on it as we have our email conversation. There are books, I know, and they seem to address the questions that I've come up with, like how do you keep your primary person from getting jealous, or from being afraid you'll find someone else you like better and just leave her. And if you have this understanding from the beginning of a new relationship, how do you even bring that up? I like you a lot and want you to be my sub, but I still wanna fuck other people? I feel like a closed poly relationship would be easier to deal with, it's more like monogamy but with more than 2 people. But still, there could be issues.
E and I - well I'm monogamous to him right now because I don't need another Dom telling me things that might conflict with what I'm learning from him. He has proven himself to be a good trainer and a good friend and I don't feel a need to go outside of that relationship at this time. But I also don't dictate what he might do with other people. He may not be actively meeting up with anyone else right now which doesn't mean monogamous lol, but if he decides to that is up to him. As I've said before, we are friends, and he is my Dom with benefits.
I feel like monogamy would be lovely if I developed strong feelings for someone who felt the same way and wanted to be one-on-one, as long as both of our needs are being met. But if I'm ok with E playing with others, could I do that with another Dom if I had strong luvvy feelings for him? If all of his needs weren't being met by me, would I be ok with him having another slave? Or just playing with someone else to meet those needs? That's a good question.
Conversely, if I found someone else I wanted to play with, would another Dom be ok with that? What if we had strong feelings for each other but I had a need that he couldn't meet? E doesn't really want another Dom giving me orders and contradicting things that he tells me, but if I wanted to just find someone to fool around with and that made me happy, he would be ok with it. Does it matter if it's within or outside of the D/s world?
In a D/s or M/s relationship, I think of it as an unequal relationship between equals. Does the equality of our selves trump the inequality of the relationship? Or vice versa? I won't ask if it's fair because fair doesn't really enter into it, but is it expected that a Master could have other slaves but a slave could not play with another Master? Or not play with another Master without him present?
Lots to consider here. I don't like to think that I won't find love again, meaning monogamous love. But I'm trying to think of different permutations of relationships that could happen that would be equally valid, and not think of them as "second best." If all the stars aligned and I found love, but he felt strongly about ENM in some form or another, I want to think about what might work for me.
I'm new to this world and learning, but I'm also changing in major ways outside of D/s. E and I were chatting today and he pointed out that I'm doing now what many do in their 20's because I was profoundly depressed and missed out on so many things.
I'm going from introvert to extrovert, learning that I'm submissive, taking singing lessons - so much fun - losing weight, loving my life, and figuring out who I really am. So why not reconsider how I think of what we call a "relationship?" It may be a moot point if I find someone else who also wants to be monogamous, but I just want to open my mind a bit and give it some serious thought since I'm rethinking the rest of my life lol. Why not?
I love that E is so supportive of me in all this, he really gets a kick out of watching my progress and hearing about my thoughts on things. I really love the way he makes me think. We had a great conversation this morning. Thank you Sir.
