Disturbed, demented, and deviant

Total power exchange; I've been thinking about it a lot the past couple days. I've been contemplating how long until it would drive me completely bonkers?

Would I still be able to DnD? Would Dominus allow me to leave once a week to play, or would everything in my life now be service? Do I want a life where I get told when I can smoke or even if I could smoke? Or worse the bathroom. Let's face it sometimes you just got to go. 

Is that something you'd hash out in a contract, which is something really squicked me out when I first heard of them. Why would anyone need a contract?

Dominus says; I do it. What more would I ever need to know? Then I remembered that people populate the planet and that 85% of the are stupid. Of course, I hear you saying to yourself, well I won't fall for a stupid one or a selfish one.

How are you to know what He means when he says every night I'll take my pleasure from your mouth or your ass. Does that mean he will care nothing for my pleasure or is that implied that he would satisfy me as well. How do you know?

I know I love the ritual. I love knowing exactly what is expected of me, but I want to honestly know what he's going to bring to the relationship. Am I wrong to be thinking this way? How do I know I'll be any good at it? How do you know if you would even fit in with His world. What if you didn't? 

Will He quiet this self doubt inside me? Will he answer all the questions I have? 

I can feel you stalking my footsteps, just out of eye range or hidden beside me quiet as a jungle cat stalking your prey. Your eyes burn my flesh wherever you look along my body, and never was there any more willing prey than I. Your eyes have a sadistic twinkle in them knowing what you have planned for me. I fear to meet your gaze because you'll see the naked need there and know the best way to torture me.

I crave it. I want to be present, in the moment, for every step of the seduction of my mind and then my body and finally my soul.  Ghostly tendrils of phantom caresses tease me into madness. In between space and time I can almost feel your tickles, your strokes, your pinches, your bites, and I actually moan outload for all that pleasure just out of reach. I can hear you whispering the naughty, exciting things you want to do to me, that you're going to do to me. I have no say in this.

You've had this exact moment planned for a very long time. Since the first time we crossed paths, this exact moment written and rewritten over and over until it reached a kind of perfection.  A rich bass delivers your commands in simple instructions. If I obey, this could well turn out to be the beginning of something magical.

Time slips back into place and a door of sensations slams shut. I am in my room, small and quiet in my corner, waiting for an order that may never come, but those little slips nurture hope that someday You'll find me.

I've spent most of the night high and dreaming of you. I drink in the way you fill out your jeans, but my eyes focus on the chain. That heavy black chain with industrial links clipped so casually at your waist. That long chain is way too long for it to be for the wallet you have on the other end. It jingles with the weight of strong iron that could anything, and my sanity fractures into pieces as I see myself kneeling naked, collared, and smiling at the end of that chain. My gaze quickly flicks up to yours, those gorgeous brown eyes alight with knowledge, the knowing smirk on your lips as if you could peer into My very soul. For a moment, we both saw me there chained to your side, kneeling at your feet, and staring up at you in pure adoration.

The moment, a brief snapshot of what could be, flys by. Something between us has fundamentally changed. I felt the dark twisting shadow encircling my throat leashing me to that secret part of you that knows you could snap your fingers, and I would fulfill our shared vision in a heartbeat. You know what I've promised myself under the full moon. You know that the moment you make me climax, I'd follow you through hell on my knees through broken glass just to hear you say good girl at the end.end. You know I commit body and soul.

I blush because I know what I want from you, and unlike most You are able to deliver where they failed. You, who will seduce me with soft, growly commands and tortorously short and agonizingly long caresses. You're the One, the One I've been waiting for, who will push so much pain and pleasure into my body that I'm sure to explode, but the most erotic aspect for the both of us will be me willing bending to Your will, my complete and utter submission. 

My body is tight and restless. I feel You are finally near... I need You.

Recently, I discovered that I was not alone in my body. There are eight different personalities living inside me. We are aware of each other, and sometimes they can talk to me. There are times however when one of them takes over completely, and I (the person you all know and, hopefully, love) lose time and do not remember what was said, done, or how I got to where I “wake up.” I don’t say this to scare you; however, being the responsible person that I am, I am trying to warn you that I may not necessarily be myself, well at least not the self You know. So, my goal for this journal entry is to write down characteristics of my personalities, so that you may know who you are dealing with. It may not work for every situation, but forewarned is better than being shocked when something happens that is not exactly in character for me. The first personality is of course me.

The High Priestess – She is extremely spiritually aware of herself and her surroundings. She only comes out if called by another’s personal or spiritual pain. She is extremely strong, completely dominant in her dealings with others. She will look anyone in the eye and call you on your bullshit. She rarely makes appearances outside of ritual space, but if you come into contact with her, you will know it by the authority in her voice. She will also introduce herself with a name starting with D.

The Homicidal/Angry Chick – She is perpetually angry about everything. She dwells on the past with a vengeance, and is most likely to come out when someone is talking about violence towards or the mistreatment of women, children, or anyone weaker than their attacker. She is not a big fan of BDSM because these were similar circumstances in which the fracturing actually occurred. She is a big fan of “homicidal diatribes” mostly directed at abusers or men in general. She only speaks Dutch. If she deigns to introduce herself to you at all, her name starts with an E.

The Suicidal/Sad Chick – She is perpetually sad and depressive about most everything. One little comment, one correction, or even a hint of disapproval could bring her out in full force. She thinks she is worthless, despoiled, and no one could ever love her. She is emotionally disconnected and will most likely stand in the farthest corner away from everyone or just leave without a word to anyone. She thinks she is a waste of air, space, and time. Nothing she does is ever right. She doesn’t think that she’s important enough to interact with, so she will not look at you; she will flinch away from large groups of people. If you ask her, she will tell you her name begins with a T.

The Slave – She is waiting for a Dominant who will treat her right but will show deference to anyone she sees as a worthy Dominant. She is very responsive and will keep her eyes lowered out of respect. She will not initiate conversation with a Dominant. If engaged in play, she has been trained not to speak a word, not to complain, and not to make any noise. This proposes a serious problem during impact and rope play because if she comes out she will not safeword. This behavior stems from the problem that created the fractured phenomenon in the first place. If she cried out, complained, or made any noise, she was only beaten harder, berated and mocked. She is mute, but can't sign very well. If you ask her name, she will sign you one that starts with the letter L.

The Slut – She is an indiscriminant, insatiable nymphomaniac. She wants sex all the time, but the act never fills her. She doesn’t care who her partners are, if they are safe, or if they are wearing protection. She is loud, brash, and in your face. She will tell you exactly what she wants, demand it in fact, and if you turn her down, she will simply move on to her next target. Currently, I have been starving her, as the medication I take for the PTSD has significantly lowered my sex drive. She is a voracious vixen; however, so she will introduce herself with a name starting with M and then start making demands of you.

The Little Girl – Out of all the personalities, she is the only one who cannot drive. Her age ranges from 5 to 12 depending on what is happening around her. She speaks in a little girl voice and is very awkward with her limbs as she doesn’t expect them to be as long as they are. She is completely innocent when it comes to sex of any kind. She comes out rarely, but she usually emerges as a fear response to outward stimuli. Things that she fears include: large, sharp knives; surprisingly loud noises; and basically anything else that a small child or teenager fears. She is prone to pouting, tears and baby voices. She probably won’t introduce herself because she’s not allowed to talk to strangers, but if you do coax a name out of her, she will give you one starting with the letter K.

The Know-it-All College Student – She will argue with you about everything even if she knows she is wrong because she hates admitting it. She is bookish, shy around people but will chime in her two cents if you happen to start up a conversation that she finds interesting. If the topic is something she is passionate about then she will argue her point until she’s blue in the face. Of the personalities, she is the hardest to trigger because not much interests her to the point that she wants to come out and talk to others. She is a virgin, but her studies are more important to her. She usually surfaces when she has to take a test, attend a class or use the more cerebral portions of her brain. She will introduce herself with a name starting with the letter C.

? – The host personality that was submerged during the actual fracturing event. None of the personalities have contact or will admit to having contact with this part of my psyche. I honestly don’t know, but this part of me is so completely subverted that only intensive therapy will cause it to emerge if it ever does.

So to follow up from my Hats post, I thought I might talk openly about DID and the personalities that make me, well me. Most people still call this condition MPD: multiple personality disorder, but really that's just an old-fashioned term.  They are all distinct and separate parts of me, but somehow they are all still me.

We start with Kat, who most would say is my little. She's a very immature eight years old, so more like speaking to a five year old. Kat likes coloring, being read to, snuggles and hugs. She is a very curious girl. Her favorite question is why. She loves "My Little Pony" and "Care Bears." She likes Looney toons, Animaniacs, and generally cartoons in general. She may not understand all of the jokes, but she likes the characters especially Wakko.

Kat has a teddy bear that she's had well forever. His name is Statepuff after the Stay Puffed marshmallow man in Ghostbusters. It's a 40 year old bear, and she's in a constant state of shock that he's as ragged as he is. Statepuff goes everywhere with her. 

Kat is a thumb sucker, and when she's sad, she curls up into a tight little ball. All she has ever wanted was a Daddy to cherish her. She loves board games, movies, and animals. When she comes out, my cat actually curls up beside her face and licks her. He understands that she is a unique person in desperate need of love and attention.

Kat is most likely to come out in certain situations, and you will be able to tell she is there by her speech patterns, change in voice, and the awkwardness she shows with her body. After impact play, when a sub is usually coming down, she may show up usually crying because she hurts. She shows up when she knows that she's done something wrong and needs to be punished. She's painfully honest. She may also show up after a panic attack or serious scare.

Kat is the vulnerable little girl inside who needs constant reassurance, love and cuddles. She's not a brat though she will challenge you at times. She also comes out when the others are having what she refers to as "tall talk." This is usually when we are considering how a Dom interacts with all of us.

All opinions and perspectives are valid and relevant.

I recently read a heartbreaking post by a fellow submissive that I felt compelled to comment on. I had been contemplating posting this all day, and reading her post confirmed that I absolutely could not postpone this one.

We need to talk about the many different hats a partner needs to wear. In a regular relationship, they're, friend, partner, lover, wife/husband, father/mother. In a bsdm relationship,they can also be sadist/masochist, Dom/sub, Dom/slave, daddy or mommy/ little or middle, Master/pet. This list could go on forever with the different and ever-changing dichotomies of the lifestyle.

Now, in a normal relationship there needs to be outright honesty, mutual respect, and unwavering care. In bdsm, there also is a call for absolute trust, a spectacular level of understanding, and free and open communication.

Then you take into account that some of us are not exactly exactly sane. Like they say, nothing fucks like crazy. There are bipolars, depressives, anxieties, ptsds, mod or more commonly known as DID, Add, ADHD. Everyone has challenges in life.

I have been on five or six of these websites at any given time. I've personally met with a few good Doms, but like all good partners they're either taken or gay, sometimes both. Personally, I deal with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and DID. I don't neglect to mention these on most of my profiles.

To be honest, that scared 50% of the wannabes away. The other 45% are pretty routine. They wanna rush everything, meeting, playing, dominating, collaring. They think once they get that precious collar on you or get you to call them Master that they've got you and you can't get away. You can though. All you have to do is walk away.

It is hard, and intimidating. Leaving someone who's detrimental to your health physically, mentally, emotionally is the toughest thing you will ever do. The anger and depression of having a break up will fade. Thier stupid words, arguments, and deaperations will roll off you, sometimes soaking you to the soul, but you will dry out.

I'll leave this post to what one true Dominant said to me after we corresponded, met, and exchanged kink lists. We sat across from each other and had a frank conversation. I'm a lot of work. He was a busy man. He told me that I deserve someone who can take care of me the way I need to be taken care of. You should expect and settle for nothing less. He thought about it for a long time amd then told me he couldn't in good conscience take me on. HE COULDN'T COMMIT TO THE OBLIGATION. A true Dominant will tell you the truth.

So my sisters in pain. Wait for the one who will tell you the truth. Be steadfast because he or she will come. They are out there waiting just as patiently for you.

Much Love💗💗💗💗💗💗

I am not catfishing.  The picture of me on her is about 4 years old, but it's also the only photo I have of myself wearing make up, with my hair done that isn't 20 years old. Why is that? Simple, I'm not a make up girl. I wear t-shirts and leggings, not dresses and skirts.

Not that I'm opposed to wearing dresses and skirts, but because I wore them for eighteen years, and every single one had to pass the kneel test. If the hem didnt touch the floor when you keeled it was too short.

And what's my problem with make up, you might ask well I don't know how to put it on very well. It's not that I didn't want to; it's just I didn't learn. What's the point? When you're invisible, you are invisible regardless of what you wearing, how you're made up, or what your hair looks like.

You know that movie where the girl sits down, and someone sits on her? That's me. It's not me because I wanted to meet me; it's me because that's just how life cast me. So with the whole pandemic thing going on, and not being able to get to a salon, I shaved my head.

And you know what, it rocks. I look good, and I don't have to spend 35 to 45 minutes on my hair. I don't have to pile it all up in a ponytail that gives me a headache within 4 hours because let's face it that's what your hair does after a certain amount of time being up. You girls will know what I'm talking about.

A little secret between you and me, in that photo I have no teeth. I stopped wearing them because they were uncomfortable. I had them pulled because they were causing me intense physical pain, and not the good kind. That photo of me is me today, Sans hair, Sans makeup, and slightly heavier. But hey more me love right?

So no I'm not catfishing. I'm just looking for someone who will accept me for me, because that's what I plan on doing with them. I guess that's a foreign concept right now, or at least it is with some of the guys that I've talked to. I'm always happy to provide a picture of what I look like now.

So my last couple of posts were a bit angry (ok a lot). I feel like I've painted myself with a negative brush.  I'm not an angry person. I don't like confrontation, but I won't shy away from it either. I guess that's part of being an alpha female or maybe it's the reaction of a bitch that's been kicked too many times.

I'm not like the majority of people on this planet. I'm intelligent, and I have common sense. Most people I have met have one or the other; a few have both.

I was born female, and on top of it, I was born a submissive and introvert. If I had been born, an extrovert and ballbuster like my sister maybe things would be different, or maybe I'd just be a different kind of miserable.

For those of you following my posts, you know my father was a strict bastard.  The only time he touched me was when he was punishing me. Once I reached puberty, spankings were off limits so he called me names and told me I was fat.

So, I didn't have the greatest self esteem growing up. Couple that with a small, private school and there was me, someone who almost never dated, was ecstatic at the first sign of attention, and would do almost anything to please. 

Despite all this I graduated a virgin, and would remain so for the majority of my college life.  I'm socially stunted, especially around men. I'm awkward. I don't know what to say or behave around ones that I like, and I have no idea between the difference of someone just being nice and someone who's truly interested.

So let's start like this. There's a difference between sex and a relationship. Try being my friend first. Test me, and then test me again because I will test you. I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Dominants who want submission too fast. Let's see if we can be friends. Let's see if we can fall in love.

So that's what I want, an intelligent, dominant daddy who goes slow, wants love and wants me. In the end a collar for me will be a commitment for life. That's my hope. Please don't dash it.

I am the most powerful being in the universe. I am the sexist, most irresistible woman to walk the planet since the dawn of time. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy have nothing in comparison to my skills of seduction and manipulation.  

Men, watch out. I can make you do things; I am warning you now. Pictures of me will render you powerless. My words will hypnotize you and leave you speechless.

So I apologize for sucking out your free will when we text. I'm sorry your employer caught you with your pants down, cock out, jacking to my picture. I'm sorry you were embarrassed because I robbed you of your self control.  That precious control you are so proud of by declaring yourself a Dominant when in truth you're a switch.switch. a mere mortal like you has no power against a Goddess like me.

This is me saying its my fault. I'm sorry. I'll never do it again. I am naughty and wrong and not worth your careful time and consideration.

Apologies.

You don't respect me. Don't tell me you do, and then prove yourself false by your actions. Respecting me means you'll be considerate of my feelings. If I open myself up to you, making myself completely naked and vulnerable, please honor my openness with at the very least courtesy.

Even if you can't talk to me all day, you can send me a message, a line. If you're too busy to drop me a line now, how will you ever find the time to be a true Dominant and Master.  I understand we all have lives, most of them pretty busy. But if you can't say hi everyday, something's wrong with you on a fundamental level.

If you want something, why not try asking since we're in the getting to know you aspect. Don't bark orders at me or ask me to change before you know my name. You wouldn't even treat a dog like that. Do I not deserve the consideration you would give a dog?

If you don't respect me, how can I ever respect you? Without mutual regard, truth, and honesty, there can be no relationship. 

I don't think I'm asking a lot right now, but maybe I am. Maybe you think I'm a toy you can use and put on the shelf when you're done. Get a blow up doll. They don't get angry. 

If you can't treat me like a human being, please don't bother to message in the first place. Don't raise my hopes because you're bored and have some time to kill. When in doubt treat me like you would treat yourself because a submissive, slave, bottom is an extension, a representative of thier Dom. So what does that say about you?

Respect Motherfucker.