Luxury Lifestyle Submission

A discussion of all things domestic service related.
19 hours ago. Thu 18 Jan 2018 02:16:13 AM IST

Personal grooming is perhaps the most intimate duty that can be performed between a service submissive and the Dominant he/she is serving. It can be daunting for both the submissive and the Dominant, for many reasons, but with some forethought and planning, it can be a pleasurable and satisfying experience. It is not the time for some play or trying for a cheap feel, but rather, it is the time to give another just pure pleasure.

Don't fear, just ask

You can't go wrong with asking - does the Dominant prefer a shower or bath? What temperature? What is his/her normal routine? Does he/she prefer to be scrubbed or gently rubbed? Is he/she allergic to any scents? Do they have a favourite scent? What is his/her stance on bubbles?

Asking ahead of time can save not only time, but can also ensure the continuity of the fantasy.

Plan ahead

Just as you would start with all ingredients prepared and ready to go when cooking, you should begin your grooming routine with all items on hand, ready to go. Razors should be sharp, towels should be at the ready, shampoo/conditioner/soap/gel - at hand. If a massage is part of the routine, the area should be prepared to make the transition from the bathroom to the massage area easy and smooth.

The Bath

Now, before you create a special daydream in your head about your Dominant luxuriating in a mass of bubbles while you kneel attentively with a glass of wine at hand, realize, not everyone enjoys a bath, nor do they enjoy company when they bathe, and they may not choose to stay in the bath for very long. A bath is the best choice when you are serving a Dominant you are new to, or with whom you do not have a sexual relationship with as you can remain clothed, perhaps even in your service uniform to make the event that much more elevated.

Starting at the head, as with a small child, wet the hair of your Dominant with a vessel, have him or her tip back his/her head to ensure water does not run into his/her eyes or ears. Massage in an appropriate amount of shampoo, and having negotiated washing style ahead of time, begin to work the shampoo in. Once cleaned, you have the option of shampooing again - for extra thick hair - or applying conditioner - keeping in mind not everyone uses conditioner. Work the conditioner in the same way as the shampoo and leave for a few minutes - slick back the hair to ensure it keeps out of the eyes. When ready to rinse, follow the same steps as with the shampoo.

For washing the body, it is best to follow the routine the Dominant uses. Do they wash with gel, with soap, with a facecloth, a sponge, a scrub brush? Beginning at the face, wash each body part, taking care to thoroughly soap and rinse each part. Pay particular attention to the groin region - again, it is not an opportunity for some sort of physical gratification.

Once done, assist the Dominant with rising from the tub, and begin to dry him or her off, using one towel for the hair and one or more towels for the body.

The Shower

Similar steps should be followed as with bathing, but in this case, of course, there is the question of being nude in the shower with the Dominant. If this is not an issue for you or the Dominant, then proceed, keeping your task first and foremost in your mind. Be sure to lay out towels for yourself before starting the shower, or you will find yourself wet and shivering after.


There is nothing quite as clean as shaving someone with a straight razor. It may not be recommended for shaving legs, but for the face, a straight razor can get into spots and offer a closer shave that modern razors can't. Before you attempt to shave someone with a straight razor, ensure you have MUCH experience with a straight razor, and know how to care for the blade. While it may seem sexy to shave someone’s privates with a straight razor, unless you want a blood bath, stick with a hair trimmer and multiple disposable razors. Straight razors should only be used on hard surfaces, like the face or the skull/scalp.

For facial shaves, if possible, warm the area with a hot/warm facecloth. This will open the pores and soften the skin. After a few restful moments, you will want to oil the skin or use a shaving lotion/cream. Apply only as much as needed, and beginning from the top down, shave in the direction the hair grows. Be sure to rinse the razor after every stroke, preferably in hot water.

If shaving the legs or body, it is best done in the tub, at the end of a bath, ensuring you rinse away any hair residue before the Dominant exits the tub. Like with a facial shave, the razor should be drawn in the direction the hair grows.

With any sort of shave, the area that has been shaved should be gently patted dry after, and an appropriate moisturizer applied.

For areas such as the groin or armpits, it is best to shave the hair first with a small battery operated personal shaver first, or hair trimmer, before shaving with a razor. This will cut down on time, effort and the possibility your razor might snag or slip.

Mani and pedi

Once the Dominant has been bathed or showered, now is a great time to turn your attention to their hands and feet. Since the skin should be softened and moist, it is the perfect time to look after any hard skin or callus - polish the rough spots with a pumice stone, wiping as you go. Be sure to moisturize after. If you notice that your Dominant has areas on the heels of particular note, you might want to treat him/her to a professional pedicure or a trip to the chiropodist, as the professionals have the equipment needed to attack that hard skin that might actually be rather painful as it builds and cracks.

Inspect the nails on the hands and feet - do they require just a trim? Perhaps they just need to be lightly filed. While nail clippers are good if you are in a pinch, a pair of cutters, similar to a small wire snippers, are best for handling both hangnails and cuticles. Be sure to dry the hands or feet thoroughly and again, moisturize.

The little details

Try little niceties like a hot towel (really, a hot facecloth), or towels that have been warmed in the dryer. Perhaps an eye mask, cut cucumber slices, or moistened tea bags would be appreciated over the eyes. Once dry, perhaps the Dominant would appreciate some powder, or a scent, appropriately placed.

Unless you have the experience, I don't recommend taking a crack at applying makeup - the results could be less than ideal. It might be something for you to learn in the future, but for now, stick to what is safe, but make it memorable.

1 day ago. Tue 16 Jan 2018 10:59:37 PM IST

If you asked a thousand service submissives what it means to serve and what they 'get' from serving, you will undoubtedly receive a thousand answers, which may or may not resemble each other. Service, in the BDSM context, is different for everyone. For myself, I visualize it as a position, role, station, vocation, that is very nearly the right hand of the Top, Dom(me), Sir, Ma'am, Mommy, or Daddy, that you are serving. It is being useful, being helpful, perhaps providing a little fantasy, a little pampering. Most of all, it is giving without the expectation of reward.

It sounds very one-sided doesn't it? Doing for someone and not getting anything in return - sounds like an uneven equation. Have you ever made someone a meal, and at some point they look up at you with a look of wonder, gratitude, appreciation, and perhaps even a little admiration? Seeing that look, feeling the pride that it stirs within you - what an instant rush! Knowing that you used your skills, your knowledge, your experience to make someone happy - okay, it's not a new car, but it is a fantastic feeling. There is something deep in me, hard-wired, that desires to engage in a power exchange where the Dominant partner receives my actions - a massage, being waited upon, having a meal prepared, being escorted around town. In return, I feel pride, a sense of accomplishment, I enjoy the approval and appreciation of the one I am serving. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate a skillful spanking, but when I offer service, it is not done with the intention that at the end of the night, or time of service, I will get my reward. Serving provides many rewards if you are open to these rewards.

For me, it is not sexual, it is not being a masochist - that figures into another side of my submission - it is being of use - of engaging with someone who is willing to take up the reins, who is willing to accept the gifts that I offer - and more importantly, they like the gifts I have to offer.

What Are the Characteristics of a Service Submissive?

I would say the main characteristics of an efficient and proficient service submissive would be the following:


Desire - Most importantly, there must be the desire to serve - this is either innate in an individual, or not. For some, they may offer service for an evening, for a session, for a weekend, but it is not part of his/her core. I'm sure there are more submissives out there who innately have a desire to serve than not, but just aren't certain how to express this desire.

For myself, I take on the role of a butler, chef, body-servant, and chauffeur - a domestic. I'm not a maid, and I definitely don't do housework - though if I were in a committed power exchange relationship, and this was asked of me, I would of course honour such a request - I just might not like it.

I take on such tasks as preparing meals, setting a table (formal or informally), ironing clothing, organizing, running errands, some light household repairs and fixes, serving a meal, attending a Top at an event (ensure they have a drink, perhaps something to eat, their toys are at the ready, the stations they wish to use are cleaned after or perhaps even before), preparing a bath or perhaps even bathing the Dominant, assisting with dressing and attire, polishing shoes, massage and pampering - and the list could go on.

I offer these services because I can do them - through a combination of knowledge and experience, and I know I can do them well.

Invisibility - Probably the greatest skill a service submissive can have is to be invisible. At a leather or BDSM gathering, to effortlessly and without much fuss, to skirt around the event or happening to perform tasks without notice or attention, to be a ghost - but a productive and useful one.

Even in a private setting, where it may be just you and the Dominant or individual you are serving, it is possible to be silent, proactive and attentive, and allow the individual on the other side of the power exchange to slip into the fantasy you have created.

Dependability - As with other social situations, your word should be your bond. If you commit to service to an individual, or even a group, for a fixed amount of time, you should carry through with that commitment or promise. If you make a promise to be at a certain place at a certain time, realize the other person or group is depending on you to be there.

It is ill advised when negotiating service, to make commitments that are either outside your scope of interest, or outside of your scope of expertise, knowledge, or experience. I spoke with a Domme friend once, who told me the story of being attended to by a submissive at a BDSM establishment. The submissive had laid down the protocols he would follow, such as eating only after she had been served and begun to eat, following her and being in view just over her shoulder, carrying her equipment for her etc. Apparently, he failed on just about every protocol and promise he made.

The moral being, if you can't follow through with a promise or protocol, communicate this ahead of time. Remember, it is not just your enjoyment and happiness that is being affected here.

Interest - Interest is huge with respect to being a service submissive. Many tasks that are taken on by service submissives can be very mundane - washing dishes, vacuuming, polishing silverware, cleaning, being a chauffeur etc. Ordinarily, no one really gets any pleasure or enjoyment from washing the dishes - unless you have some sort of obsessive-compulsive bent, which actually might be a bonus and benefit to you if you are interested in service - but to know that you are performing this task for your Domme, Master, Daddy, client, then the task becomes something special.

Also, it is of benefit for a service submissive to always seek to improve his/her skill set. You may know the importance of separating colours and whites when attacking a mountain of laundry, but do you know how to remove a grease stain from linen? You may set a table with the fork on the left and the knife on the right, but what might be the difference with an American place setting versus a European place setting? It may be that you will never be asked to serve at an event where a formal American place setting will be of use, but you never know, and it is this little extra bit of knowledge that might make your service more desireable and interesting than the next submissive's gifts.

Discretion - Leaving the best for last, the characteristic of discretion. It can not be stressed enough, if one is welcomed into the inner sanctum of any Top - a bedroom, a home, a family setting - anywhere that is space occupied by the Top or power exchange partner you might be serving at that moment, such a welcome must be honoured with discretion. Unless local laws are broken, all that is seen, heard, read, viewed, should be kept private and confidential. Even if you are witness to the most amazing power exchange you have ever participated in, do not speak of it - not even to trusted friends.

As as domestic service submissive, it is possible that you might be asked to handle very private situations - balancing the household budget, paying the bills, assisting in the entertainment of guests - and these situations require trust. In the realm of BDSM, your reputation and whether or not you are trustworthy are your best credentials, they are your personal credit rating. Certainly, you may be very skilled, but if you can not keep a confidence, your knowledge and experience is not worth the risk of having your loose lips present.

While there are many different types of service submissives, the examples I have listed pertain mostly to domestic service submissives. That being said, the characteristics and qualities I have listed would be of benefit to anyone wishing to perform some sort of service.

Everyone serves for his or her own reasons, and I challenge you to discover your reasons. Good luck!

2 days ago. Tue 16 Jan 2018 02:39:03 AM IST

Whether we know it or not, we are ALL in poly relationships. I know that sounds odd - even ludicrous - but just hear me out.

The first relationship, which is obvious (in the obvious versus subtle context - not obvious, as in 'It should be obvious, d'uh') is our relationship with our partner (if we have one). That one is pretty easy. The second relationship we have, which is not so obvious, or rather subtle, is the relationship we have with ourselves. The other relationships we have are with past partners, or past significant others in our lives, or even past versions of ourselves.

Realize in saying first or second does not mean the level of importance I place on the relationships, far from it. If that was the case, your relationship with yourself should be first, and everything else should fall in line. I am using the words first etc. to denote level of grossness/obvious and subtlety.

I don't think I need to talk about the relationship we have with our current partners, again if you have one, but I would like to take a moment to talk about the second relationship we have, which really should be our primary relationship, which is with ourselves. At best, this relationship is a healthy loving relationship, but at worst, it is abusive and negligent. I think the majority of us fall somewhere in the middle - we are not the best protectors and lovers we should be to ourselves, but for the most part, we are not these horrid monsters to ourselves. In a busy world today that not only facilitates disconnection, but also openly advocates for it, we are most disconnected with ourselves.

We don't listen to what we want, we don't give ourselves what we want, we don't focus on our own happiness, and yes, we don't love ourselves enough. By love, I don't mean thinking we're always right, or hi-fiving ourselves for getting out of bed, or being proud that we told off the mean grocery store clerk. Loving ourselves means being authentic, being us - the good and the bad - flaws and all and saying 'I am enough, I am worthy, I matter'. That seems pretty simple, but there are many who can't say that on a daily basis. Loving ourselves means being true to ourselves and our nature, flying in the face of not fitting in. Loving ourselves means really listening to ourselves - not just giving ourselves what we think we want/need. When we don't love ourselves, honour ourselves, support what we want, that is beginning of bigger issues down the road.

I'll be honest, I haven't always - or like ever - listened to what I wanted, or loved myself, for many reasons I thought were valid at the time. It is easy to think that all your energy should be poured into another - if I am a good wife, a good submissive, a good community contributor, a free love type community player - that you will suddenly be filled with satisfaction, pride, love, acceptance, a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, I'm here to tell you, that does not happen - in fact, the opposite happens. Being a partner is hard work, being in D/s is hard work, and being a good contributor is hard work - and I guarantee, unless you are firmly grounded in you, what you want, what you need, what your boundaries are - anything you do will leave you any combination of tired, drained, bitter, resentful, angry.

It can be very hard waiting for what we want, what our inner self wants. I have been waiting and wanting for many years. Sometimes I waited, other times, I took a chance on what I knew wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it gave me a taste of something I craved. That wasn't me being authentic, me supporting my dreams or my desires, it wasn't me loving myself. Being single and unowned can be hard sometimes, sometimes it hurts, but it hurts far less than knowing you betrayed yourself, or put yourself in a situation that was less than what you deserved, knowing you devalued yourself.

Following a path that isn't exactly what you desire can be fine, so long as you know this, and view it as a contract with an expiry date. So long as you see the situation with open eyes, see it for what it is, knowing that it is not exactly what you want/need/desire, and knowing that it will end when you get that precious nugget you are seeking, there is nothing wrong with the pursuit - just know it is a distraction, and not you following your dream.

Before we can foster a good emotional/physical/spiritual/mental relationship with others, in any capacity, these relationships need to be rock solid with ourselves. In the words of RuPaul, 'If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?'

We also have tertiary type relationships with our past partners, or friends, and the past versions of ourselves. We hold on to these people, I'm including the past versions of ourselves in this collective, we keep them embedded in us. As we move through life, these are often the silent Greek chorus over our shoulders, observing, possibly judging - often judging, measuring, weighing. The issue with this is that it is not the true representation of either these significant figures or ourselves - it is just an illusion. When we are no longer with someone, or no longer the person we used to be, we often have the habit of pulling only the best of that person, or the worst. We take moments of time, snippets of our life with this other person, and these moments crystallize in our memory, becoming the person we remember.

You ever have one of those moments, where someone says the wrong thing, or snaps at you, or laughs at something painful to you - and from that moment on, it colours how you view them? Happens to me all the time. I try to step back from that - I try to remember that we are all human - we all make mistakes. It's the same sort of thing. We build a memory of someone based on our memories of him/her - or of ourselves - but that isn't the true image.

Yet, here we are carrying on a relationship with someone who isn't true. We go through life acting in a manner that would make our deceased Dominant proud, or living in a way that flips the middle finger to our abusive ex-lover/ex-submissive. Is that an authentic way to live? Is it authentic to live in a manner that might be what someone else would approve of, or disapprove of? Isn't it better to live as we would like, or want?

Though we may say we're over a jilted lover, or some Dominant that rejected us, we often still carry on a relationship with them, or the version we created, long after the actual relationship has run it's course. It's a very one-sided relationship, and honestly, it is very tiring, because we are playing both parts - we our us, and yet, we are also giving some of our life and energy into the illusion we have of the other party. We seem to think the best of our younger selves, or we think the worst of ourselves as we imagine we will be in the future. All of these hooks pulling us in so many directions, it's near impossible to really focus on us (first and foremost), or on another partner.

It's no wonder we all feel exhausted, even stretched thin a little, we are feeding energy - sometimes negative but hopefully more positive, into poly relationships we didn't even know we had.

4 days ago. Sun 14 Jan 2018 11:47:34 AM IST

If you have ever considered offering service as a form of submission, I suggest the following points for you to ponder. These ideas have served me well, no pun intended, and I hope they will do the same for you.

These guidelines are geared more to the unowned submissive, who can offer service to anyone, but the ideas can also apply to a power exchange/ownership relationship. Above all else, no matter what the situation, your offer of service does not nullify your hard limits, and should not override any agreements of consensuality.

1. Learn one primary, applicable skill, that you can use in general, in a BDSM gathering setting, and do it very well

There are many skills that you might acquire in your life - you might be a fantastic web designer, or you might be a whiz with respect to design and decoration. These are great skills to have, but perhaps not applicable when at a play party or at an event where you might be able to demonstrate your abilities. You may find a Top/Master/Mistress/sub/bottom who could use your skills in these areas, but for general events and gatherings of leatherfolk and BDSM folk, you might want to consider something along these lines:

- Massage - hand, foot, shoulders, possibly even back
- Tray service - fetch drinks and food
- Porter - carry toy bags and gear, load and unload
- Able assistant - provide mobility assistance if required
- Aftercare specialist - provide aftercare to Tops or bottoms
- Catering or food prep - assist with laying out a spread, or preparing a menu of delights
- Clean up - of the play space in general, of equipment after use

2. Take pride in your appearance and what you do

If you plan on offering service, ensure you are clean and well groomed, either scent free or lightly scented. You can be as extreme in your appearance as you choose - a full tuxedo and white gloves - or as minimal as you choose - naked. Show decorum and composure - it is not the time to be vulgar, overtly sexual, or jocular - be polite and demure. You are creating a fantasy, something special - use your imagination and have fun. If all you can offer is a pair of boxer shorts and a tie - great - just don't wear the Sunday afternoon sitting on the couch boxers, and the tie your grandfather was waked in.

When you perform a task, do so efficiently, without much fuss, with focus and attention, and to the best of your abilities. If you only feel like giving 50%, save everyone the disappointment and stay home. If you have committed to service, you need to bring the best of you - you need to give your best effort. That's not to say you can't socialize, perhaps even play, but if you have committed your service for a fixed amount of time, then carry through with your promise and demonstrate your sense of pride and responsibility.

3. Always seek to improve your skills, or to acquire new skills

Education is a key component to giving good service - the more you know, the more knowledge you have about a subject matter or ability, the better your skill in that area. You should also be seeking to expand the breadth of your skill set - you never know when a skill might come in handy. You should focus first and foremost on your primary skill set, then seek to expand your secondary and tertiary sets of skills.

This could be a simple as researching the web for articles, watching YouTube videos, taking an online course, taking a BDSM workshop, reading a book, or even approaching a friend or colleague who appears to excel in a certain area.

Take an afternoon and search for videos on butler skills, or perhaps watch a video on how to prepare a certain recipe - then practice these skills on your own. If nothing else, your loved ones will appreciate your efforts even before you are ready for prime time - so to speak.

4. See to your needs, take care of you first

If you are planning to offer service, you need to ensure your needs are met. Are you feeling well? Have you eaten? Are you in a good state emotionally? Are you well hydrated and comfortable?

When offering service to others, you are offering the best of you. If you are tired and need a rest, do not hesitate to politely inform the person making the request that you need to take a break, but that you shall attend to them as soon as you are refreshed.

You need to communicate your needs and ensure you are in the best form of you before you can see to the needs of others. You know how you are advised to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others with their mask in case of an issue during a plane flight? It is the same situation here - see to you before you see to others.

5. Be of service to all

You have the right to accept or decline a request for service, but I would caution that your veto should be used sparingly. Service is respectful, selfless, and should be made available to all regardless of status or title. Service should not be limited to Tops, or to only who you deem to be physically attractive individuals. Your service should not be offered with the expectation for reward. Chances are your efforts will be appreciated, perhaps even praised, but don't go looking for this - otherwise, it just cheapens your efforts. If you offer service with the "what's in it for me?" mentality, perhaps service is not a skill you should seek to cultivate.

If asked if you would like anything in return, feel free to prevail upon this opportunity. If someone is talented in the use of floggers, and you love being flogged, by all means, you may politely request a flogging should they be so inclined.

Above all, relax and enjoy. At the end of the day, you should feel pleased with the job you have done, and even if it isn't spoken, those around you do appreciate your efforts.

5 days ago. Sat 13 Jan 2018 12:26:13 PM IST

It always amazes me when a Dom/me seems near shocked by some of the things I do. No, I'm not talking about the cheeky crap I can do, really, if you know me, that isn't shocking. I mean the acts of service, the kindness, the devotion and attention I show a Dominant. It seems this type of gentility is severely lacking these days, and it's about time to bring submissive service back.

I am not an expert in the field, but I have had many years of being a submissive/bottom/cheeky bear, and I feel I can say with all honesty, that I have been a pleasing partner for many Tops.

So listen up pets, babies, bottoms, slaves, subs, furries, brats and anyone else who has ever been the ying to a Dominant/Top yang, class is about to begin. I hope you brought your pencil, no, I don't have anything to write on.

1a. Being a Top is hard - Okay, let's not even talk about the emotional and mental side for a moment - let's just talk about the basics. Equipment and upkeep of equipment - in a fantasy world, we would like to think that every Top has some Gimp like creature that comes out to scrub clean and put away the ropes and rack after every play date, but that's just not the case. Many Tops are very particular about their equipment - or at least they should be. They scrutinize every inch before that toy touches your body - or again, at least that's what they should be doing. Any sort of damage to equipment could mean issues later on - and who do you think takes care of the upkeep - certainly not you little bottom.

1b. Okay, now for the emotional/mental side of Being a Top is hard - coming up with a scene is a little like writing a Dungeons and Dragons scenario (if you just said what's Dungeons and Dragons, head on over to Wikipedia and look it, it's okay, the class will wait for your troglodyte ass to come out of your cave and into the 20th century). As I was saying, coming up with a scene that meshes your desires/fantasies/wishes/fears with those of your Top can be very difficult to plan. It can be as simple as getting some chain at the local hardware store, or it can be as involved as hiring a van load of Somali pirates (Craigslist or Kijiji is a good starting look it up). Yes, you do have input, but isn't part of the fun and joy the element of surprise?

Also, Tops are human, and there is always that little glimmer of doubt and trepidation he/she fights every time he/she ties you up, pulls you over his/her knee, cracks a crop across your backside etc. You have to respect that - that someone has these fears and yet fights them to give you an enjoyable, possibly mind blowing experience - props to the Tops.

2. Man that was a long winded 1 wasn't it? Aren't you glad this is typed and not an oral lecture...I sure am. You're still stuck at the word 'oral' aren't you? Freaking perv!

Okay, really, here's number 2. Tops are human - they have interests outside of stringing you up - or hopefully they do - so it might be good to show an interest in your Tops' hobbies or passion. Everyone loves to share their knowledge and passion with others, and it never hurts to bond with your Top over their favourite hobby. If your Top is into photography, maybe do a little research on the subject and ask poignant questions. Maybe they are really into gaming, and you just heard about some new universal gaming system being launched on Kickstarter - mention it to them. Now, some Tops may not be into sharing or including you in life outside of BDSM, and that's fine, but just trying can sometimes mean the world to him/her.

3. Do something nice for your Top - no, sucking harder than Canada's Big Brother on your Top's private no-no spot does not count as doing something nice nwerd! This isn't about money either - so don't go there. Sure, if you can afford it, after a particularly special session, buy them that new flogger they always wanted. However, it's just as special to send them a handwritten thank you note on pretty paper in the mail - I mean, who doesn't love getting something in the mail addressed to them? Sometimes a batch of homemade cookies has the same "Wow, you did this for me?" factor as taking them out on the town.

4. Have one skill that you do very well. Now this can be anything - cooking, massage, cleaning - taxidermy, not so much. Offer that to your Top as service and if that is something they could really use, they will accept. If not, well, it's not a loss, as you have this skill that may just save your life one day...or make you popular with friends and family. If you don't have a skill, perhaps ask your Top if there might be something they would like you to do - and I'm not talking about cleaning the house and maybe breaking something in the hopes of getting your ass whipped - then go and learn that skill. Maybe your Top could really use someone to help them organize their filing system on their computer, or put together a brochure for their vanilla business, or once in a while, they could really use a well done back rub - no, not the 5 minute variety that has a happy ending, asshat.

5. Sometimes a Top needs some space, and it has nothing to do with you. You can't know 24/7 what he/she is going through, and you can't let the negative voice in your head get the better of you. If the relationship is good and you have good communication, you need to trust in that. Peppering your Top with "Don't you love me anymore?" or "Is it me?" or "Did I do something?" messages is just annoying and can drive a wedge into an otherwise great relationship. Ask once, politely, and leave it at that. Give them the same respect and space you would give a friend or loved one. They know you are there, they know you love and care for them and that you are devoted to them, but let them do what they need to do so they can come back to you happy, healthy and focused.

6. Don't assume your Top is going to like something you do, even if you do it for them. If you're a Darwin award candidate and go out getting your schlong split like an Octoberfest kiebasa thinking your Sir or Ma'am will like it because "you did it for them", think again. You didn't do it for them, you did it for you - you were just being selfish. If they want their name branded on your ass, they will tell you - going ahead and doing it is presumptuous and kinda creepy. Also, if your Top is the kind that views your body as their property, you just defiled their property - way to go Wang Chung (another 80's reference - see troglodyte).

Okay class - there's a good start. You have plenty of homework to do - yes, there will be a test on this later. How do you know if you have passed? You'll have a happy Top that looks forward to playing with you each and every time - that's how you know you've passed.

Next week's lecture - How to treat your submissive 101

Class dismissed - now let me show you what I can do with that apple...I can bake a pie...again, freaking perv!

6 days ago. Fri 12 Jan 2018 08:10:15 PM IST

To start, there is no set “way” to hold a D/s dinner/tea/gathering. As with many other things in D/s - BDSM etc., there is no governing council, only ideas that someone, somewhere, came up with, and they sounded pretty good. There is no standard for such things, but I’d like to lay out some ideas that worked for me and/or my tribe, and perhaps they will work for you.

There are a few decisions to be made when holding a D/s dinner/tea:

1. Will it be female Dommes, male Doms, female subs, male subs, switches, a mix? All of these options have their pro’s and con’s - and it is totally up to the host or hosts (keep in mind, the host need not be a Dominant) as to the make up of the attendees. The one thing you need to keep in mind, especially if you know who the attendees will be, is personality. If you have a number of alpha dog type personalities, the more introverted type members might shrink and fade away. Conversely, if you have a large number of introverted shy types, this can make the more social extroverts go ballistic to overcompensate.

2. Are you inviting couples, some couples and some singles, all singles? If you have all couples and one single Dominant and one single submissive, that can be a bit awkward - better to have a good mix.

3. What will the rules be? Will submissives be punished for mistakes in serving? If so, this requires quite a bit of leg work as you need to get the consent of the submissives, you need to know what their limits are, this needs to be communicated to the Dominants present etc.

4. Will submissives be available for play or sexual service? Same caveat as with point 3.

5. What will be the tone of the event - formal with high protocol, semi-formal, casual, relaxed - this might dictate as well who you invite, and what happens throughout the evening.

Once you have these questions answered, then you can turn your attention to the more mundane matters:

1. Management: There are two key roles that should be decided upon, or appointed long before the evening - those being the head of the front of house, and the head of the back of house. The front of house will see to the dining area, ensure it is laid out properly, direct the submissives serving, watch the flow of the evening. This position is much like a major domo or head butler. It may be a Dominant, but it is often, and can easily be a submissive - hopefully one with some experience. The major domo might also be responsible for physically correcting the mistakes of any submissives present - depending on the chosen format and style of the evening. The back of house is most likely the head of the kitchen, or the chef. The chef is responsible for getting the food out, plated well, on time, hot etc. When submissives are not attending their designated Dominant, it would be best to have them assisting the chef - either via prep, plating, or washing. Like the major domo, the chef may be a Dominant or submissive, and may be responsible for disciplining submissives who err.

2. Menu: Many events do not pay enough attention to the menu, and this I think is as important as the people attending. It has been observed by myself and my various co-hosts over the past little while, when we have hosted D/s dining events, that if you feed folks a carb rich or heavy meal, very little play will happen after - everyone will be in a corner of the room in a sleepy sugar coma. So, if the idea is to play etc., as well as have a nice meal, you need to give considerable thought to the menu. Do any of the guests have special allergies/intolerances/sensitivities? Even beyond that, do any of the attendees have physical limitations when it comes to chewing or swallowing? Nothing ruins a meal faster than a trip to the hospital, or having paramedics party crashing. I would like to challenge my fellow community members that when it comes to food at such D/s events, we really need to raise the bar. D/s is fantasy, and doesn’t fantasy deserve something better than the dinner special at your local takeaway shop? If you can’t cook, I guarantee there is someone in your circle who can - be they Dominant or submissive - appoint them as your head chef for the evening. Also, make it easy on yourself, prep as much as possible ahead of time, so the night or day of the event, it may be a little reheating, but mostly plating. Which reminds me, give some thought on plating - there are enough examples on Pinterest and the Food Network on how to make a plate look pretty. Maybe the best you can do is serve up a bowl of Alphaghetti right out of the can, but you add some micro greens, a few dots of chive oil, a dot or two of sesame oil - BAM.

3. Table Setting: There are plenty of examples of table setting on the internet - just Google table place setting and you will find a myriad of examples. The most common settings being the American style place setting, and the European style, but there are many others - Middle Eastern, Asian (in fact, there are many place settings that fall under the Asian umbrella). Choose one that best suits your menu, and stick with it - don’t give one place an American serving layout, but then set the next place for a Japanese table setting. Always have extra cutlery and plates available - you never know what might happen - a fork may be dropped, a plate is chipped (and horror, goes unnoticed). Give some thought on how the food will be served - individual plates brought to the table, food served around the table, food placed family style, buffet?

4. Seating: Depending on the tone of the evening, and who is present, this may dictate how the Dominants are seated. Does anyone have physical limitations or needs - do they need to have quick access to a toilet, or do they need extra room for mobility equipment? If the evening is formal or high protocol, you may want to consider if any of the attendees are titleholders (ie. Mr. or Ms. Leather/Bootblack winners), or the years of experience (notice I didn’t say age) of the attendees. If you have a small space, you might also want to consider the physical size of the Dominants, or the submissives serving them. That isn’t a body shaming crack, but nothing interrupts the good flow of service or of an evening when a Dominant or submissive has trouble physically moving about the space - not to mention, it can make your guests (keeping in mind the submissives are guests as well, even if they are serving) feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, shamed - and that is never good.

5. Service: Again, there are no hard and fast rules, but here are some links that give some great ideas:

Allow the major domo to set the pace - he/she/they will be taking cues from the head of the table/host/co-host. He/she/they will also provide the instruction to the submissives on how the service flow will proceed.

One idea I will advocate is, position yourself in a way so that you are not towering over the Dominant - no one wants that. The idea of having submissives serve kneeling, or in a crouch is nice, but again, you have to be aware of the physical limitations of the submissives involved.

A few suggestions/thoughts based on our experiences:

- When submissives do not have a specific job, keep out of the kitchen. The chef is trying his/her/their best to get the meal plated, on time, at a proper temperature - so he/she/they are moving about quickly, possibly with something hot or sharp in her/his/their hand. Having a submissive loitering about means besides keeping track of the time, what courses have to go out when, and all the myriad of other things, the chef has to ensure the submissive doesn’t get stabbed or burned. Do the chef a favour, get out unless you have been given a specific job. It frustrates me to no end to have to repeatedly tell submissives to get out of kitchen - and that is being nice - because the warning could be a stabbing or scalding - just saying. The same goes for Dominants - just no - your presence is not helpful, in fact, it adds pressure, and not in a pleasant or even enjoyable way.

- Nothing pleases me more as a chef than to have submissives who are eager to wash a dish for me. I dirty many a dish when I cook - and if I have prepped food ahead of time, that means many evenings of me cooking, and washing up. So please, do the chef a favour and wash a dish as soon as they dirty it (so long as you’re not getting in the way).

- Feed your submissive servers. This could be a buffet style of the food being served to the Dominants, it could be a totally separate meal, it could be a nice cheese and charcuterie platter - something easy that they can pick up with their fingers, munch, and then get back to serving. Serving is hard work, they are hungry, let them have the time to retire some place private so they can relax and eat.

- Having a submissive kneeling by a Dominant’s chair for a long period of time sounds sexy, but it is not very practical - especially during the main course, when that might be the perfect time for the submissives to relax and eat. Think of what is practical and enjoyable for all guests - not just the Dominants. If the submissives aren’t enjoying themselves, you’re not likely to have as many volunteers the next time around - and then it’s just a bunch of Dominants sitting around a table, wondering who will pour the water, and threatening to spank the cat.

- Do not touch the food the chef is prepping or cooking - unless you want to be shanked by a serving fork to the hand - just don’t do it.

- Have the drinks area or bar separate from the kitchen. Having less bodies in the kitchen ensures no one is hurt and it keeps folks from loitering in the kitchen.

- Nothing is appreciated by a submissive more than hearing “Please” and “Thank you”. Yes, they are submissive, yes, they are serving, but manners, especially coming from a Dominant, is sexy. It can be the difference between being served with grace, and being attentively served with grace.

- Cleanliness can not be stressed enough. Touched your hair? Wash your hands. Blew your nose into a Kleenex or hanky? Wash your hands. Touched the counter? Wash your hands. Smoked a cigarette? Wash your hands. Gone to the toilet? It shouldn’t need to be said, but yes, wash your hands. Food borne disease or illness is not fun, it can be deadly, it can mean a hospital trip for a guest.

- If the Dominants are seated, if a multi course meal, designate one submissive as being responsible for water.

- Service is not complete until all food items have been put away, dishes washed and put away, and the Dominants lack for nothing.

- If conversation seems to flag, or seems to be dissolving into a beef fest, why not have the Dominants and submissives submit questions that can be discussed by the group. You might even have previously prepared discussion topics taken from the web, for example, that you could draw upon.

- It is nice to have a printed copy of the menu at each place setting, as well as having a name place card for every Dominant. Maybe you are serving the Dominants a bowl of Alphaghetti, but it can be the niceties that make the meal memorable - and that’s what you are creating, memories.

- For the Dominants, with much respect, don’t try to outshine or out Dom/me your peers - you just end up looking like an ass. Also, if you make the event unpleasant by being cruel, rude, or excessively hard on the submissives, you won’t be invited back. For the submissives, with respect as well, don’t go out of your way to foul up. Accidents will happen naturally, and you may or may not be punished for them, but don’t go out of your way to drop a plate, or spill something - that is just some selfish behaviour and not at all attractive.

Whether formal, high protocol, casual, or even just a backyard BBQ, a D/s meal should above all else be fun, and a showcase where both the Dominants and submissives can shine. Stay shiny my friends!