Luxury Lifestyle Submission

As a caveat, I will be speaking of the leather lifestyle, which is the forerunner to the more laissez-faire pansexual kink genre we see in mainstream today. Service submission has roots extending back as far as the initial existence of leather. To understand service, let's take a brief look at the history of the leather lifestyle.

Leather, as it was first expressed, was highly disciplined, with rules, rituals and protocols. Having been born in the military, motorcycle clubs became a natural almost organic continuation of the lifestyle returning gay war veterans had come to know. It was the uber masculine sexuality of leather clad brothers in arms that drew many to the clubs. The discipline, rules, rituals, and protocols that were commonplace during their military service, found a new home and new expression in Old Guard leather.

One of the cornerstones to this lifestyle was service - to your Top, to your family/club/tribe, to your community. At a very basic level, a boy - since the lifestyle was predominantly but not exclusively gay male oriented - would do as instructed by his Sir/Master. This would often be whatever was needed, sexually or non-sexually. This could be some sort of domestic chore, or perhaps something of honour such as caring for a Top's leathers or boots. There was also service to the club and community, when there were gatherings or events.

These tasks, these forms of service, were thought to give training and understanding to a boy, so that when he was one day raised to be a Top/Sir/Master himself, if that was the chosen path, he would understand what is required of his property, and what his responsibilities might be. Service didn't need to be discussed, or introduced, it just was - it was as much part of the lifestyle, as instructed or passed down by the Top. Just as protocols and etiquette were passed on, so was the concept of service.

During the 80's, the leather lifestyle began to change, due to two main factors: HIV and fractioning of the community. When HIV hit the leather community, the ideas that had guided the communities and the families in the leather lifestyle, were either lost, or started to fade. The community started losing the elders who would have passed on the 'traditions' of this underground, outlaw sort of lifestyle. There were no manuals, or books, or widely published manuscripts about this life - it was passed down, Sir to boy - in leather clubs and leather bars - anywhere where leather men would congregate. As well, the community was growing, and also changing. So called protocols, which might be strictly enforced and observed by certain factions, were only loosely observed if at all by other leather communities. While the core values such as loyalty honour, and trust were still held, the execution of many other ideas, such as earning your leather, started to become optional rather than mandatory.

So where did this leave service? Well, as leather, and leather sex, started to move into more mainstream areas, foundation cornerstones started to become misunderstood, even seen as antiquated. As leather was replaced with BDSM and D\s, the focus moved from being a disciplined social construct, to a more bacchanal kinky sex fest. Sex has always been very much a part of the leather lifestyle, but the lifestyle moved from being a taboo act of rebellion, to being a peccadillo at a key party.

Moving forward even today, due to the changes in the lifestyle, where the pendulum has perhaps swung too far, service is very often no longer understood, and at times treated with such suspicion. It is viewed by many as some sort of click-bait - something shiny to lure someone into an uncomfortable and non-negotiated situation. For Dominants, they may no longer know how to actively participate in receiving service - they may not know how to hold up their end of the power exchange tango. For a submissive, they may view it as merely foreplay to the "real exchange", be that play or sex.

I am not one to bang a drum with some sort of campaign slogan like "We need to get back to traditional service submission values", but I firmly feel it is a tragedy that the structure of the lifestyle as it largely exists today, views service submission as an anomaly, or for many, a whimsical oddity, rather than a core foundation. Before furries, ponies, littles, primals etc., there was service, and if for no other reason than that, service submission deserves acknowledgement and respect.

For many service oriented submissives, service is the core of their identity, it IS their expression of submission. It is not merely a shiny pair of leather boots, it is not merely fetching tea - Earl Grey - hot, it is not merely moping a floor - these are just physical expressions of a complex dance of emotions. Service is both an expression of respect - for the lifestyle, for the title, for the hierarchy that is implicitly or explicitly established - and an expression of affection - for the community, for the lifestyle, for the person being served. It is a basic acknowledgement and acceptance of one's place and space in the community, in the lifestyle.

Forget play, forget the theatrics, even forget the trappings that the lifestyle affords, but without service, there is no lifestyle. For that reason alone, service needs to regain a place of honour, if for no other reason than to keep the cohesion of WIITWD for future generations.

Just as every good mechanic, plumber, or computer tech has their toolkit, so too should every domestic service submissive have a toolkit. Listed below are a few go to items that I like to always have on hand to tackle certain tasks or jobs.

You may not have an interest in certain areas of domestic servitude, which is completely understandable, and fortunately, domestic service is not a one size fits all. Feel free to take what most appeals to you from the following list, and adjust as suits you.

Home Repair

Crazy Glue - I can not say enough about this quick setting adhesive compound. Best used fresh, and sparingly, this little gem is perfect for small repairs of items that will not be used near food.

Gorilla Glue - For larger home repairs of items such as wood moulding, tiling, baseboards, and doors - sand and paint once dry.

Basic ratchet and screwdriver set - From cupboards to shelving to doors, there is always something around the house that could use tightening or a quick install. While you need not buy the top name brand, a mid-range brand, such as Milwaukee or Dewalt, would be handy to have. Even a multi bit tool would serve you well - just ensure you purchase one that feels comfortable in your hand.

Repair putty/filler - For the odd nick or gouge in drywall or baseboards, quick setting, and very malleable. Once completely dry, easily sanded and painted, blending in with the surrounding structure seamlessly.

Cleaning

Twinkle - The gentlest and easiest silverware cleanser. Use a soft sponge to wipe on, rinse, then dry with a microfibre cloth. No force or excessive rubbing required.

Vinegar - The best and cheapest cleaning solvent there is. Perfect for loosening caked on food remnants on the stovetop, in some dish ware, or in the oven, non-toxic, excellent for streak free mirror and glass cleaning. Use with baking soda to create a natural sink drain cleanser.

Cleansing wipes - For large and small jobs, perfect for odd shaped surfaces, portable, and multi purpose.

SOS Pads - For dinner ware, cleaning a stainless steel sink, or anywhere you need a little abrasive help.

Rags - For all jobs.

Body Care

An assortment of lotions - For massage, for softening rough skin, for soothing after play. Ensure to have a selection of non-scented lotions on hand for those who might be sensitive.

Hand towels - Always good to have a stack of plain white, absorbent hand towels at the ready.

Nail/cuticle clippers - For troublesome hang nails and rough skin - use after soaking the hands or feet, and use a shallow snipping motion.

Disposable razor heads/razors - Always you a fresh one with someone, if shaving a particularly dense area of hair, use multiple razors/heads.

Beard trimmer - Need not be a huge investment, a battery powered one will suffice - you just want to trim down particularly hairy areas first.

Household Care

Linen spray or powder - When turning down the bed, or after having changed the sheets - it is a special added touch. Again, caution is best exercised if you are attending someone who has a scent sensitivity.

Decor

Hot glue gun - To add a little bling to your centerpiece, and for fixes that your Crazy Glue just can't seem to fix, a mini glue gun is any aspiring home decorator’s best friend.

Wardrobe

An iron - A solidly crafted iron can be a great asset to any domestic toolkit. As well as creating perfect creases in clothing, irons can give crisp edges to napkins, tablecloths, and another other places linens might be in use.

Shoe polish - Basic black at a very minimum

Needles and thread - A variety of thread, some needles, some buttons, a few safety pins, a pair of scissors

It can be difficult or perhaps challenging for a domestic service submissive to gain experience or to practice skills if he or she is single or unowned. Certainly, it is easy enough to practice certain skills that might be relevant in the personal or home environment - cleaning, ironing, cooking, household budget maintenance - but it is difficult to serve oneself. It is also difficult to practice a scene to see if certain ideas or concepts play out as expected when one is a solitary submissive or servant.

So - what's the answer?

Well, there are a few options available.

First, and a personal favourite of mine, is freelancing. This is the method of offering service to really anyone, on either side of the D/s slash, to gain experience, to practice skills, and to demonstrate skills in person. My preferred approach is, while in my service outfit - which is highlighted by wearing white or black cotton gloves - to stand by, unobtrusively, with my serving tray, and wait until someone makes contact. This can be a risky approach because there is the assumption that someone will be courageous enough to ask what you are offering. I have employed this approach in a play party setting and I have had success.

I have been approached by both Tops and bottoms - for some, they have a butler fetish, so the gloves are particularly tantalizing; in another case, I was approached by a bottom who was enquiring on behalf of her Dominant. In a play party setting, it may be difficult to demonstrate all of your skills, or a particular skill, but you are able to demonstrate a willingness to attend to the needs of another, or the ability to follow direction in an efficient, humble and intelligent manner. This demonstration could open doors or create possibilities later on.

There are a few bonuses or perks associated with freelance, such as variety of play. So, after an hour or evening of service, if you have pleased the person you are serving, you may be asked if you might be interested in some power exchange play - after appropriate discussion and negotiation of course. The perk to this being, if the person has much experience in an area of play you are particularly interested in, you get to indulge in a favourite style of play with someone who not only enjoys this style of play, but also someone who has expertise in the area. This can be a huge bonus if you are having difficulty finding a partner who may have the same interests as you. Another bonus being, the power exchange relationship only lasts for a fixed amount of time - perhaps for an evening or a weekend. Perhaps after some time, you realize that you and the person you are serving are not a good fit, for whatever reason, not a problem, you are not committed to each other outside of current, negotiated exchange.

A second option available to the 'unemployed' domestic submissive is to offer service to a BDSM friend. It may be in the form of attending a Top friend for the evening at an event, or assisting a bottom friend at home. In both cases, it is a great opportunity to practice a certain skill set that you may not be able to practice alone or in your own home. It is also a great opportunity to get honest feedback. Perhaps it is your first time being a body servant, or perhaps you are attempting to fix a meal for the first time, a critique, be it negative or positive, always sounds better when given by a friend. This is also a great time to try out new ideas to see if these imagined methodologies are feasible or practical. You get real time experience without a scene or service opportunity possibly going south.

If you don't have a friend in the local BDSM community to practice with, perhaps you could advertise for a volunteer at a local BDSM gathering or on a BDSM oriented posting board. Explain that it would be a practical run through opportunity and outline exactly what you wish to try. As with rope and corporal play, you will find there will friendly folk who are willing to be a demo dolly for you - especially if you offer a hand or foot massage for your volunteer. You again have someone who can provide feedback, as well as creating a real time environment where you can walk through your envisioned scenario.

Lastly, for certain skill sets, invite friends or family over - especially in the case of entertaining. Perhaps you want to practice setting a formal place setting and serving a multi-course meal, invite over your family or friends for a meal. You need not explain or go into details about the purpose of the meal, other than you enjoy entertaining, but it is an opportunity to hone your skills or keep your skills in good shape. In the same vein, if you are particularly interested in cleaning and organizing, you can volunteer whenever a friend or acquaintance needs help with a project, or if they might be moving, or they could just really use someone to tackle the bathroom - as an example.

Even if you might be an unowned or unemployed or unpartnered domestic service submissive, this is not a hindrance to furthering your skills or polishing your current talents. There are still possibilities available to you to gain experience or to keep your abilities sharp and in shape, it just might require a little creative brainstorming - but that's what we do best is it not?

A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

My latest addition to my ‘littles’ wardrobe.

Knife sharpening!

Personal grooming is perhaps the most intimate duty that can be performed between a service submissive and the Dominant he/she is serving. It can be daunting for both the submissive and the Dominant, for many reasons, but with some forethought and planning, it can be a pleasurable and satisfying experience. It is not the time for some play or trying for a cheap feel, but rather, it is the time to give another just pure pleasure.

Don't fear, just ask

You can't go wrong with asking - does the Dominant prefer a shower or bath? What temperature? What is his/her normal routine? Does he/she prefer to be scrubbed or gently rubbed? Is he/she allergic to any scents? Do they have a favourite scent? What is his/her stance on bubbles?

Asking ahead of time can save not only time, but can also ensure the continuity of the fantasy.

Plan ahead

Just as you would start with all ingredients prepared and ready to go when cooking, you should begin your grooming routine with all items on hand, ready to go. Razors should be sharp, towels should be at the ready, shampoo/conditioner/soap/gel - at hand. If a massage is part of the routine, the area should be prepared to make the transition from the bathroom to the massage area easy and smooth.

The Bath

Now, before you create a special daydream in your head about your Dominant luxuriating in a mass of bubbles while you kneel attentively with a glass of wine at hand, realize, not everyone enjoys a bath, nor do they enjoy company when they bathe, and they may not choose to stay in the bath for very long. A bath is the best choice when you are serving a Dominant you are new to, or with whom you do not have a sexual relationship with as you can remain clothed, perhaps even in your service uniform to make the event that much more elevated.

Starting at the head, as with a small child, wet the hair of your Dominant with a vessel, have him or her tip back his/her head to ensure water does not run into his/her eyes or ears. Massage in an appropriate amount of shampoo, and having negotiated washing style ahead of time, begin to work the shampoo in. Once cleaned, you have the option of shampooing again - for extra thick hair - or applying conditioner - keeping in mind not everyone uses conditioner. Work the conditioner in the same way as the shampoo and leave for a few minutes - slick back the hair to ensure it keeps out of the eyes. When ready to rinse, follow the same steps as with the shampoo.

For washing the body, it is best to follow the routine the Dominant uses. Do they wash with gel, with soap, with a facecloth, a sponge, a scrub brush? Beginning at the face, wash each body part, taking care to thoroughly soap and rinse each part. Pay particular attention to the groin region - again, it is not an opportunity for some sort of physical gratification.

Once done, assist the Dominant with rising from the tub, and begin to dry him or her off, using one towel for the hair and one or more towels for the body.

The Shower

Similar steps should be followed as with bathing, but in this case, of course, there is the question of being nude in the shower with the Dominant. If this is not an issue for you or the Dominant, then proceed, keeping your task first and foremost in your mind. Be sure to lay out towels for yourself before starting the shower, or you will find yourself wet and shivering after.

Shaving

There is nothing quite as clean as shaving someone with a straight razor. It may not be recommended for shaving legs, but for the face, a straight razor can get into spots and offer a closer shave that modern razors can't. Before you attempt to shave someone with a straight razor, ensure you have MUCH experience with a straight razor, and know how to care for the blade. While it may seem sexy to shave someone’s privates with a straight razor, unless you want a blood bath, stick with a hair trimmer and multiple disposable razors. Straight razors should only be used on hard surfaces, like the face or the skull/scalp.

For facial shaves, if possible, warm the area with a hot/warm facecloth. This will open the pores and soften the skin. After a few restful moments, you will want to oil the skin or use a shaving lotion/cream. Apply only as much as needed, and beginning from the top down, shave in the direction the hair grows. Be sure to rinse the razor after every stroke, preferably in hot water.

If shaving the legs or body, it is best done in the tub, at the end of a bath, ensuring you rinse away any hair residue before the Dominant exits the tub. Like with a facial shave, the razor should be drawn in the direction the hair grows.

With any sort of shave, the area that has been shaved should be gently patted dry after, and an appropriate moisturizer applied.

For areas such as the groin or armpits, it is best to shave the hair first with a small battery operated personal shaver first, or hair trimmer, before shaving with a razor. This will cut down on time, effort and the possibility your razor might snag or slip.

Mani and pedi

Once the Dominant has been bathed or showered, now is a great time to turn your attention to their hands and feet. Since the skin should be softened and moist, it is the perfect time to look after any hard skin or callus - polish the rough spots with a pumice stone, wiping as you go. Be sure to moisturize after. If you notice that your Dominant has areas on the heels of particular note, you might want to treat him/her to a professional pedicure or a trip to the chiropodist, as the professionals have the equipment needed to attack that hard skin that might actually be rather painful as it builds and cracks.

Inspect the nails on the hands and feet - do they require just a trim? Perhaps they just need to be lightly filed. While nail clippers are good if you are in a pinch, a pair of cutters, similar to a small wire snippers, are best for handling both hangnails and cuticles. Be sure to dry the hands or feet thoroughly and again, moisturize.

The little details

Try little niceties like a hot towel (really, a hot facecloth), or towels that have been warmed in the dryer. Perhaps an eye mask, cut cucumber slices, or moistened tea bags would be appreciated over the eyes. Once dry, perhaps the Dominant would appreciate some powder, or a scent, appropriately placed.

Unless you have the experience, I don't recommend taking a crack at applying makeup - the results could be less than ideal. It might be something for you to learn in the future, but for now, stick to what is safe, but make it memorable.

If you asked a thousand service submissives what it means to serve and what they 'get' from serving, you will undoubtedly receive a thousand answers, which may or may not resemble each other. Service, in the BDSM context, is different for everyone. For myself, I visualize it as a position, role, station, vocation, that is very nearly the right hand of the Top, Dom(me), Sir, Ma'am, Mommy, or Daddy, that you are serving. It is being useful, being helpful, perhaps providing a little fantasy, a little pampering. Most of all, it is giving without the expectation of reward.

It sounds very one-sided doesn't it? Doing for someone and not getting anything in return - sounds like an uneven equation. Have you ever made someone a meal, and at some point they look up at you with a look of wonder, gratitude, appreciation, and perhaps even a little admiration? Seeing that look, feeling the pride that it stirs within you - what an instant rush! Knowing that you used your skills, your knowledge, your experience to make someone happy - okay, it's not a new car, but it is a fantastic feeling. There is something deep in me, hard-wired, that desires to engage in a power exchange where the Dominant partner receives my actions - a massage, being waited upon, having a meal prepared, being escorted around town. In return, I feel pride, a sense of accomplishment, I enjoy the approval and appreciation of the one I am serving. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate a skillful spanking, but when I offer service, it is not done with the intention that at the end of the night, or time of service, I will get my reward. Serving provides many rewards if you are open to these rewards.

For me, it is not sexual, it is not being a masochist - that figures into another side of my submission - it is being of use - of engaging with someone who is willing to take up the reins, who is willing to accept the gifts that I offer - and more importantly, they like the gifts I have to offer.

What Are the Characteristics of a Service Submissive?

I would say the main characteristics of an efficient and proficient service submissive would be the following:

Desire
Invisibility
Dependability
Interest
Discretion

Desire - Most importantly, there must be the desire to serve - this is either innate in an individual, or not. For some, they may offer service for an evening, for a session, for a weekend, but it is not part of his/her core. I'm sure there are more submissives out there who innately have a desire to serve than not, but just aren't certain how to express this desire.

For myself, I take on the role of a butler, chef, body-servant, and chauffeur - a domestic. I'm not a maid, and I definitely don't do housework - though if I were in a committed power exchange relationship, and this was asked of me, I would of course honour such a request - I just might not like it.

I take on such tasks as preparing meals, setting a table (formal or informally), ironing clothing, organizing, running errands, some light household repairs and fixes, serving a meal, attending a Top at an event (ensure they have a drink, perhaps something to eat, their toys are at the ready, the stations they wish to use are cleaned after or perhaps even before), preparing a bath or perhaps even bathing the Dominant, assisting with dressing and attire, polishing shoes, massage and pampering - and the list could go on.

I offer these services because I can do them - through a combination of knowledge and experience, and I know I can do them well.

Invisibility - Probably the greatest skill a service submissive can have is to be invisible. At a leather or BDSM gathering, to effortlessly and without much fuss, to skirt around the event or happening to perform tasks without notice or attention, to be a ghost - but a productive and useful one.

Even in a private setting, where it may be just you and the Dominant or individual you are serving, it is possible to be silent, proactive and attentive, and allow the individual on the other side of the power exchange to slip into the fantasy you have created.

Dependability - As with other social situations, your word should be your bond. If you commit to service to an individual, or even a group, for a fixed amount of time, you should carry through with that commitment or promise. If you make a promise to be at a certain place at a certain time, realize the other person or group is depending on you to be there.

It is ill advised when negotiating service, to make commitments that are either outside your scope of interest, or outside of your scope of expertise, knowledge, or experience. I spoke with a Domme friend once, who told me the story of being attended to by a submissive at a BDSM establishment. The submissive had laid down the protocols he would follow, such as eating only after she had been served and begun to eat, following her and being in view just over her shoulder, carrying her equipment for her etc. Apparently, he failed on just about every protocol and promise he made.

The moral being, if you can't follow through with a promise or protocol, communicate this ahead of time. Remember, it is not just your enjoyment and happiness that is being affected here.

Interest - Interest is huge with respect to being a service submissive. Many tasks that are taken on by service submissives can be very mundane - washing dishes, vacuuming, polishing silverware, cleaning, being a chauffeur etc. Ordinarily, no one really gets any pleasure or enjoyment from washing the dishes - unless you have some sort of obsessive-compulsive bent, which actually might be a bonus and benefit to you if you are interested in service - but to know that you are performing this task for your Domme, Master, Daddy, client, then the task becomes something special.

Also, it is of benefit for a service submissive to always seek to improve his/her skill set. You may know the importance of separating colours and whites when attacking a mountain of laundry, but do you know how to remove a grease stain from linen? You may set a table with the fork on the left and the knife on the right, but what might be the difference with an American place setting versus a European place setting? It may be that you will never be asked to serve at an event where a formal American place setting will be of use, but you never know, and it is this little extra bit of knowledge that might make your service more desireable and interesting than the next submissive's gifts.

Discretion - Leaving the best for last, the characteristic of discretion. It can not be stressed enough, if one is welcomed into the inner sanctum of any Top - a bedroom, a home, a family setting - anywhere that is space occupied by the Top or power exchange partner you might be serving at that moment, such a welcome must be honoured with discretion. Unless local laws are broken, all that is seen, heard, read, viewed, should be kept private and confidential. Even if you are witness to the most amazing power exchange you have ever participated in, do not speak of it - not even to trusted friends.

As as domestic service submissive, it is possible that you might be asked to handle very private situations - balancing the household budget, paying the bills, assisting in the entertainment of guests - and these situations require trust. In the realm of BDSM, your reputation and whether or not you are trustworthy are your best credentials, they are your personal credit rating. Certainly, you may be very skilled, but if you can not keep a confidence, your knowledge and experience is not worth the risk of having your loose lips present.

While there are many different types of service submissives, the examples I have listed pertain mostly to domestic service submissives. That being said, the characteristics and qualities I have listed would be of benefit to anyone wishing to perform some sort of service.

Everyone serves for his or her own reasons, and I challenge you to discover your reasons. Good luck!

Whether we know it or not, we are ALL in poly relationships. I know that sounds odd - even ludicrous - but just hear me out.

The first relationship, which is obvious (in the obvious versus subtle context - not obvious, as in 'It should be obvious, d'uh') is our relationship with our partner (if we have one). That one is pretty easy. The second relationship we have, which is not so obvious, or rather subtle, is the relationship we have with ourselves. The other relationships we have are with past partners, or past significant others in our lives, or even past versions of ourselves.

Realize in saying first or second does not mean the level of importance I place on the relationships, far from it. If that was the case, your relationship with yourself should be first, and everything else should fall in line. I am using the words first etc. to denote level of grossness/obvious and subtlety.

I don't think I need to talk about the relationship we have with our current partners, again if you have one, but I would like to take a moment to talk about the second relationship we have, which really should be our primary relationship, which is with ourselves. At best, this relationship is a healthy loving relationship, but at worst, it is abusive and negligent. I think the majority of us fall somewhere in the middle - we are not the best protectors and lovers we should be to ourselves, but for the most part, we are not these horrid monsters to ourselves. In a busy world today that not only facilitates disconnection, but also openly advocates for it, we are most disconnected with ourselves.

We don't listen to what we want, we don't give ourselves what we want, we don't focus on our own happiness, and yes, we don't love ourselves enough. By love, I don't mean thinking we're always right, or hi-fiving ourselves for getting out of bed, or being proud that we told off the mean grocery store clerk. Loving ourselves means being authentic, being us - the good and the bad - flaws and all and saying 'I am enough, I am worthy, I matter'. That seems pretty simple, but there are many who can't say that on a daily basis. Loving ourselves means being true to ourselves and our nature, flying in the face of not fitting in. Loving ourselves means really listening to ourselves - not just giving ourselves what we think we want/need. When we don't love ourselves, honour ourselves, support what we want, that is beginning of bigger issues down the road.

I'll be honest, I haven't always - or like ever - listened to what I wanted, or loved myself, for many reasons I thought were valid at the time. It is easy to think that all your energy should be poured into another - if I am a good wife, a good submissive, a good community contributor, a free love type community player - that you will suddenly be filled with satisfaction, pride, love, acceptance, a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, I'm here to tell you, that does not happen - in fact, the opposite happens. Being a partner is hard work, being in D/s is hard work, and being a good contributor is hard work - and I guarantee, unless you are firmly grounded in you, what you want, what you need, what your boundaries are - anything you do will leave you any combination of tired, drained, bitter, resentful, angry.

It can be very hard waiting for what we want, what our inner self wants. I have been waiting and wanting for many years. Sometimes I waited, other times, I took a chance on what I knew wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it gave me a taste of something I craved. That wasn't me being authentic, me supporting my dreams or my desires, it wasn't me loving myself. Being single and unowned can be hard sometimes, sometimes it hurts, but it hurts far less than knowing you betrayed yourself, or put yourself in a situation that was less than what you deserved, knowing you devalued yourself.

Following a path that isn't exactly what you desire can be fine, so long as you know this, and view it as a contract with an expiry date. So long as you see the situation with open eyes, see it for what it is, knowing that it is not exactly what you want/need/desire, and knowing that it will end when you get that precious nugget you are seeking, there is nothing wrong with the pursuit - just know it is a distraction, and not you following your dream.

Before we can foster a good emotional/physical/spiritual/mental relationship with others, in any capacity, these relationships need to be rock solid with ourselves. In the words of RuPaul, 'If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?'

We also have tertiary type relationships with our past partners, or friends, and the past versions of ourselves. We hold on to these people, I'm including the past versions of ourselves in this collective, we keep them embedded in us. As we move through life, these are often the silent Greek chorus over our shoulders, observing, possibly judging - often judging, measuring, weighing. The issue with this is that it is not the true representation of either these significant figures or ourselves - it is just an illusion. When we are no longer with someone, or no longer the person we used to be, we often have the habit of pulling only the best of that person, or the worst. We take moments of time, snippets of our life with this other person, and these moments crystallize in our memory, becoming the person we remember.

You ever have one of those moments, where someone says the wrong thing, or snaps at you, or laughs at something painful to you - and from that moment on, it colours how you view them? Happens to me all the time. I try to step back from that - I try to remember that we are all human - we all make mistakes. It's the same sort of thing. We build a memory of someone based on our memories of him/her - or of ourselves - but that isn't the true image.

Yet, here we are carrying on a relationship with someone who isn't true. We go through life acting in a manner that would make our deceased Dominant proud, or living in a way that flips the middle finger to our abusive ex-lover/ex-submissive. Is that an authentic way to live? Is it authentic to live in a manner that might be what someone else would approve of, or disapprove of? Isn't it better to live as we would like, or want?

Though we may say we're over a jilted lover, or some Dominant that rejected us, we often still carry on a relationship with them, or the version we created, long after the actual relationship has run it's course. It's a very one-sided relationship, and honestly, it is very tiring, because we are playing both parts - we our us, and yet, we are also giving some of our life and energy into the illusion we have of the other party. We seem to think the best of our younger selves, or we think the worst of ourselves as we imagine we will be in the future. All of these hooks pulling us in so many directions, it's near impossible to really focus on us (first and foremost), or on another partner.

It's no wonder we all feel exhausted, even stretched thin a little, we are feeding energy - sometimes negative but hopefully more positive, into poly relationships we didn't even know we had.

If you have ever considered offering service as a form of submission, I suggest the following points for you to ponder. These ideas have served me well, no pun intended, and I hope they will do the same for you.

These guidelines are geared more to the unowned submissive, who can offer service to anyone, but the ideas can also apply to a power exchange/ownership relationship. Above all else, no matter what the situation, your offer of service does not nullify your hard limits, and should not override any agreements of consensuality.

1. Learn one primary, applicable skill, that you can use in general, in a BDSM gathering setting, and do it very well

There are many skills that you might acquire in your life - you might be a fantastic web designer, or you might be a whiz with respect to design and decoration. These are great skills to have, but perhaps not applicable when at a play party or at an event where you might be able to demonstrate your abilities. You may find a Top/Master/Mistress/sub/bottom who could use your skills in these areas, but for general events and gatherings of leatherfolk and BDSM folk, you might want to consider something along these lines:

- Massage - hand, foot, shoulders, possibly even back
- Tray service - fetch drinks and food
- Porter - carry toy bags and gear, load and unload
- Able assistant - provide mobility assistance if required
- Aftercare specialist - provide aftercare to Tops or bottoms
- Catering or food prep - assist with laying out a spread, or preparing a menu of delights
- Clean up - of the play space in general, of equipment after use

2. Take pride in your appearance and what you do

If you plan on offering service, ensure you are clean and well groomed, either scent free or lightly scented. You can be as extreme in your appearance as you choose - a full tuxedo and white gloves - or as minimal as you choose - naked. Show decorum and composure - it is not the time to be vulgar, overtly sexual, or jocular - be polite and demure. You are creating a fantasy, something special - use your imagination and have fun. If all you can offer is a pair of boxer shorts and a tie - great - just don't wear the Sunday afternoon sitting on the couch boxers, and the tie your grandfather was waked in.

When you perform a task, do so efficiently, without much fuss, with focus and attention, and to the best of your abilities. If you only feel like giving 50%, save everyone the disappointment and stay home. If you have committed to service, you need to bring the best of you - you need to give your best effort. That's not to say you can't socialize, perhaps even play, but if you have committed your service for a fixed amount of time, then carry through with your promise and demonstrate your sense of pride and responsibility.

3. Always seek to improve your skills, or to acquire new skills

Education is a key component to giving good service - the more you know, the more knowledge you have about a subject matter or ability, the better your skill in that area. You should also be seeking to expand the breadth of your skill set - you never know when a skill might come in handy. You should focus first and foremost on your primary skill set, then seek to expand your secondary and tertiary sets of skills.

This could be a simple as researching the web for articles, watching YouTube videos, taking an online course, taking a BDSM workshop, reading a book, or even approaching a friend or colleague who appears to excel in a certain area.

Take an afternoon and search for videos on butler skills, or perhaps watch a video on how to prepare a certain recipe - then practice these skills on your own. If nothing else, your loved ones will appreciate your efforts even before you are ready for prime time - so to speak.

4. See to your needs, take care of you first

If you are planning to offer service, you need to ensure your needs are met. Are you feeling well? Have you eaten? Are you in a good state emotionally? Are you well hydrated and comfortable?

When offering service to others, you are offering the best of you. If you are tired and need a rest, do not hesitate to politely inform the person making the request that you need to take a break, but that you shall attend to them as soon as you are refreshed.

You need to communicate your needs and ensure you are in the best form of you before you can see to the needs of others. You know how you are advised to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others with their mask in case of an issue during a plane flight? It is the same situation here - see to you before you see to others.

5. Be of service to all

You have the right to accept or decline a request for service, but I would caution that your veto should be used sparingly. Service is respectful, selfless, and should be made available to all regardless of status or title. Service should not be limited to Tops, or to only who you deem to be physically attractive individuals. Your service should not be offered with the expectation for reward. Chances are your efforts will be appreciated, perhaps even praised, but don't go looking for this - otherwise, it just cheapens your efforts. If you offer service with the "what's in it for me?" mentality, perhaps service is not a skill you should seek to cultivate.

If asked if you would like anything in return, feel free to prevail upon this opportunity. If someone is talented in the use of floggers, and you love being flogged, by all means, you may politely request a flogging should they be so inclined.

Above all, relax and enjoy. At the end of the day, you should feel pleased with the job you have done, and even if it isn't spoken, those around you do appreciate your efforts.

It always amazes me when a Dom/me seems near shocked by some of the things I do. No, I'm not talking about the cheeky crap I can do, really, if you know me, that isn't shocking. I mean the acts of service, the kindness, the devotion and attention I show a Dominant. It seems this type of gentility is severely lacking these days, and it's about time to bring submissive service back.

I am not an expert in the field, but I have had many years of being a submissive/bottom/cheeky bear, and I feel I can say with all honesty, that I have been a pleasing partner for many Tops.

So listen up pets, babies, bottoms, slaves, subs, furries, brats and anyone else who has ever been the ying to a Dominant/Top yang, class is about to begin. I hope you brought your pencil, no, I don't have anything to write on.

1a. Being a Top is hard - Okay, let's not even talk about the emotional and mental side for a moment - let's just talk about the basics. Equipment and upkeep of equipment - in a fantasy world, we would like to think that every Top has some Gimp like creature that comes out to scrub clean and put away the ropes and rack after every play date, but that's just not the case. Many Tops are very particular about their equipment - or at least they should be. They scrutinize every inch before that toy touches your body - or again, at least that's what they should be doing. Any sort of damage to equipment could mean issues later on - and who do you think takes care of the upkeep - certainly not you little bottom.

1b. Okay, now for the emotional/mental side of Being a Top is hard - coming up with a scene is a little like writing a Dungeons and Dragons scenario (if you just said what's Dungeons and Dragons, head on over to Wikipedia and look it up...no, it's okay, the class will wait for your troglodyte ass to come out of your cave and into the 20th century). As I was saying, coming up with a scene that meshes your desires/fantasies/wishes/fears with those of your Top can be very difficult to plan. It can be as simple as getting some chain at the local hardware store, or it can be as involved as hiring a van load of Somali pirates (Craigslist or Kijiji is a good starting place...no...really...go look it up). Yes, you do have input, but isn't part of the fun and joy the element of surprise?

Also, Tops are human, and there is always that little glimmer of doubt and trepidation he/she fights every time he/she ties you up, pulls you over his/her knee, cracks a crop across your backside etc. You have to respect that - that someone has these fears and yet fights them to give you an enjoyable, possibly mind blowing experience - props to the Tops.

2. Man that was a long winded 1 wasn't it? Aren't you glad this is typed and not an oral lecture...I sure am. You're still stuck at the word 'oral' aren't you? Freaking perv!

Okay, really, here's number 2. Tops are human - they have interests outside of stringing you up - or hopefully they do - so it might be good to show an interest in your Tops' hobbies or passion. Everyone loves to share their knowledge and passion with others, and it never hurts to bond with your Top over their favourite hobby. If your Top is into photography, maybe do a little research on the subject and ask poignant questions. Maybe they are really into gaming, and you just heard about some new universal gaming system being launched on Kickstarter - mention it to them. Now, some Tops may not be into sharing or including you in life outside of BDSM, and that's fine, but just trying can sometimes mean the world to him/her.

3. Do something nice for your Top - no, sucking harder than Canada's Big Brother on your Top's private no-no spot does not count as doing something nice nwerd! This isn't about money either - so don't go there. Sure, if you can afford it, after a particularly special session, buy them that new flogger they always wanted. However, it's just as special to send them a handwritten thank you note on pretty paper in the mail - I mean, who doesn't love getting something in the mail addressed to them? Sometimes a batch of homemade cookies has the same "Wow, you did this for me?" factor as taking them out on the town.

4. Have one skill that you do very well. Now this can be anything - cooking, massage, cleaning - taxidermy, not so much. Offer that to your Top as service and if that is something they could really use, they will accept. If not, well, it's not a loss, as you have this skill that may just save your life one day...or make you popular with friends and family. If you don't have a skill, perhaps ask your Top if there might be something they would like you to do - and I'm not talking about cleaning the house and maybe breaking something in the hopes of getting your ass whipped - then go and learn that skill. Maybe your Top could really use someone to help them organize their filing system on their computer, or put together a brochure for their vanilla business, or once in a while, they could really use a well done back rub - no, not the 5 minute variety that has a happy ending, asshat.

5. Sometimes a Top needs some space, and it has nothing to do with you. You can't know 24/7 what he/she is going through, and you can't let the negative voice in your head get the better of you. If the relationship is good and you have good communication, you need to trust in that. Peppering your Top with "Don't you love me anymore?" or "Is it me?" or "Did I do something?" messages is just annoying and can drive a wedge into an otherwise great relationship. Ask once, politely, and leave it at that. Give them the same respect and space you would give a friend or loved one. They know you are there, they know you love and care for them and that you are devoted to them, but let them do what they need to do so they can come back to you happy, healthy and focused.

6. Don't assume your Top is going to like something you do, even if you do it for them. If you're a Darwin award candidate and go out getting your schlong split like an Octoberfest kiebasa thinking your Sir or Ma'am will like it because "you did it for them", think again. You didn't do it for them, you did it for you - you were just being selfish. If they want their name branded on your ass, they will tell you - going ahead and doing it is presumptuous and kinda creepy. Also, if your Top is the kind that views your body as their property, you just defiled their property - way to go Wang Chung (another 80's reference - see troglodyte).

Okay class - there's a good start. You have plenty of homework to do - yes, there will be a test on this later. How do you know if you have passed? You'll have a happy Top that looks forward to playing with you each and every time - that's how you know you've passed.

Next week's lecture - How to treat your submissive 101

Class dismissed - now let me show you what I can do with that apple...I can bake a pie...again, freaking perv!