Luxury Lifestyle Submission

I didn't realize how much time had passed since I last updated my blog.

I moved back home to Canada, had two dynamics start up and dissolve - currently in my third and fourth dynamics since having returned to Canada.

So much has happened, and changed.

Bedtime is calling my name however - I promise to return - and it won't take me like 3 years to return this time.

An important step in regards to domestic service submission, no matter if you are a Dominant or an s-type, is to know your style of management. Are you a micro manager or are you a macro manager?

In this context, I would define a micro manager as someone who needs to either receive or give constant feedback regarding a task. For instance, a Dominant has asked a service s-type to make dinner. The Dominant has outlined the basics for dinner - time, how many people will be eating, any sensitivities/allergies/intolerances - and what the main meal should be. A micro management s-type then takes that information and provides constant feedback in regards to the meal - how it is progressing, asking minute clarification questions - such as how should the table be set, how should the food be served, how many courses should there be. A constant updating of the progress, as it happens, up until the event. A macro management s-type would take the information given, monitor the progress of the meal, and only inform the Dominant if there is something major, at the appropriate time. For the macro management s-type, the end goal is a well cooked meal, on the table, at the appropriate time, with enough for everyone, where everyone will enjoy what is being served. For the micro management s-type, his or her focus is on progress of the event, checking in to ensure the Dominant is pleased, that the Dominant is aware of the progress, that there is a constant stream of approval from the Dominant. One is more focused on the end result as instructed, the other is more focused on doing a proper job in progress with the Dominant’s blessing.

Two different styles of management, or two different methodologies for carrying out a task - and both are very valid. On the Dominant’s side, as an example, a Dominant asks a service s-type to make a meal, for four people, three courses with dessert, to be served at regular intervals between the hours of 6:30 PM and 9:30 PM, with the dessert being served no later than 9:00 PM, and coffee/tea served 15 minutes later. Further, the main dish should be a roast chicken, with a mix of fresh and dried herb butters stuffed under the skin of the chicken, so that the potatoes that should be roasted with the chicken absorb the herb butter and none of it goes to waste. The Dominant wants a status update every 15 minutes, with whatever milestones have been achieved along the way. I would qualify this style as very much micromanagement, where every details has been carefully considered, and there is a constant and consistent feedback loop/mechanism. A macro management Dominant would do as in the first example - dinner, served at a certain hour, with X many guests - but neither wants nor needs constant updating and feedback. It is the end goal of good food on the table that the macro management Dominant is primarily concerned with, and not concerned with the route that is taken to get to the final destination. Again, these styles of management are equally valid, just different.

With micro management, the focus is on the progress of the task, where any sort of slight misstep must be caught and corrected by the Dominant, as alerted by the service s-type, all choices and decisions flow through the Dominant. The Dominant is like the captain of the ship, and although it is not his or her hand on the rudder, he or she is able to follow the plotting of the course, preventing any disasters before they become insurmountable, always in control. With macro management, the Dominant only wants to get to the final destination, what course is taken or how that path is plotted is not his or her worry - that is the responsibility of the service s-type. The macro management Dominant has outlined the task, and trusts that the service s-type can make whatever decisions necessary to see the Dominant’s request to fruition. Both Dominants are still in control, and I would say that both Dominants trust the service s-type, but it is a level of comfort, and their style of Domination.

Conflict can arise when you have a service s-type who appreciates a macro management style or approach, and you have a micro management Dominant making the request, or vice versa. The service s-type might have issue with constantly being asked for feedback, or updating of information - he or she might just want to get on with the task at hand. Conversely, the service s-type might be looking for constant feedback and input, and might find working with a silent macro manager to be anxiety inducing. Service s-types who appreciate a macro management approach or style do so because there is a certain freedom in the approach. The service s-type can employ his or her skills and experience to bring their best work forward to please the Dominant. This can at times involve a certain amount of creativity or artistry, and can make for an enjoyable experience. I myself appreciate a more macro management style of service management. If I am being asked to cook for a dinner party, I definitely do want to know numbers, intolerances/sensitivities/allergies, time, and perhaps a theme. After that, I want the freedom to create, to be given the opportunity to display my skills and talents, and most of all, I want the chance to hopefully pleasantly surprise the Dominant in question.

I have worked with micro management style Dominants in the past, and while I did understand what they were looking for, as well doing my best to comply with his or her wishes, I did not enjoy myself to the same degree. For me, working with a Dominant who has a micro management style or approach feels stifling, it feels like I am being set up to fail, so that the Dominant can indeed catch me failing. It feels critical, like there is a lack of trust, though I know logically that is probably far from the case. If that was the case, the Dominant wouldn’t have asked me to take on the task at all.

It is important for both service s-types, and Dominants looking to “employ” the services of a service s-type, to really honestly know what style of service management he or she might either engage in, or appreciate. It is equally important to know how to best work with the opposite style of service management - how best to steer the individual the Dominant or service s-type might be working with. Working with someone with a similar service management style is very easy, but working with someone who might be the very opposite, or even antagonist, that requires employing even greater skills of communication, negotiation, vulnerability, forgiveness, compassion, and empathy. Once you have taken a hard long look at your own style of service management, or service management appreciation, you can then know how best to proceed, whether it is with a task, a contract, or in a lifetime relationship.

In service submission, acts and spoken words can be fit into five main categories:

a courtesy
a command
a standing order
a rule
a ritual

We’ll start with a courtesy. A courtesy is really just being a good host or showing a display of good manners as well as possibly being observant and sensitive. For instance, I have a Domme friend who I know drinks Coca Cola, so if she is coming to visit me, I will most likely ensure there are a few cans of Coke in the house. For another Domme friend, I know how she likes her tea made, the bag barely dragged through the water, so if I have her over for tea, and I’m making her tea, I’m going to remember and make it exactly as she likes. Neither of these Dommes have a dynamic with me, and usually when they visit my home, it is as a friend, but as a good host, and as someone who does derive pleasure from giving others exactly what they want, it is important for me to remember these little details. This is sort of the most basic form of service, and does not involve a dynamic. A courtesy can be shown to anyone, regardless of title, archetype, or station in life. A courtesy does not require any involvement of the other party, it is usually self initiated.

A command is a direction, usually issued by a Dominant, but not always, that should be carried out, within a short time period, and/or specified time frame. A command may or may not rely upon a dynamic between the two individuals. As an example, when volunteering at an event once, a Dom friend turned to me and asked me to perform a task. I did not have a dynamic with this individual, he was not my “supervisor” at this volunteer event, but because of the respect I have for him, I carried out the task. A command need not be as harsh as it sounds - there is no reason why “please” and “thank you” can’t be involved when issuing a command. A command can also be refused, if you are not in a dynamic with the individual, and you are under no obligation to the person. I would caution refusing a command if you are being considered by someone, usually a Dominant, or you are being observed as a potential service submissive at an event. I have also been issued commands by Dominant friends for my own good. For example, I have had Dominant friends say something like “I’m playing the Mistress card…” or “Mistress says…” usually followed by something like “...please ensure you practice self care.” or “...please go to bed at a reasonable time.” These are things a friend might say, but because they have enacted their title, it carries a little more weight - at least with me. I could still refuse it, there is no dynamic bond to lean on, but because I respect them, I’m more likely to carry out these commands.

A standing order can be found in terminology from government, to the military, to even our day to day banking. It is an instruction to be carried out, either daily or enacted at a certain time, until instructed to act differently. Standing orders should be viewed as the way it is or should be. For instance, a Dominant may say, “I want the kettle water boiling every day the moment I walk in the door”, or “Dinner will be served at 5:00 PM every day”. These orders may be written into a contract, they may be in a manual, or they may be issued once, and understood that is how it will be. Standing orders usually involve a dynamic, and they are generally practical actions undertaken by the submissive. Standing orders can be quite simple as “There will always be a bowl of peanut M&M’s by the door when I arrive” or they can be quite complex as “There will always be a bowl of peanut M&M’s by the door, sorted by colour in a pie wedge shape, chilled, having sat out no more than 10 minutes, when I arrive.” A standing order is repetitive in nature, and spans over an unknown amount of time.

Now a rule is a little bit of a command, a little bit of a standing order, even be a bit of a ritual. A rule is usually between two individuals who have a dynamic - I have not seen a rule standing between two individuals who do not have a dynamic - and involves an order that is enacted usually for the benefit of the other partner. As an example, I have had dynamics where I have a bedtime - this is a rule. This is a little bit like a standing order, but it is for my benefit. Rules can usually be created on the spot, whereas a standing order is usually laid out before a dynamic begins. A rule can be for the benefit of either individual really, but typically used for the benefit of the person serving. A rule might be “At this event, when you are not serving, you will sit as is comfortable at my feet”. Rules, like standing orders, can be repetitive in nature, and span over an unknown amount of time, or they can be like commands, for a fixed amount of time, but rules are again, typically repetitive.

Rituals are very personal, and typically only involve those who are involved in a dynamic. They are actions which have meaning, usually meaning for both, and touch on the connection between the individuals, recall a special memory, time, perhaps place. The ritual has benefit for both involved, sometimes physically, or perhaps emotionally. An example could be “Every evening, after dinner, you will pour me a glass of brandy, kneel down beside my armchair with the brandy raised before you, and present the glass using the palms of your hands, with your head lowered”. Rituals differ from standing orders as there is usually deep intent behind the ritual, whereas standing orders are more practical.

As time passes, it may be that commands, standing orders, and rules are either forgotten, disobeyed, or broken. If it is done unintentionally, there could be a multitude of reasons - the individual is not in a good headspace with his/her full awareness, he/she was distracted when the command/standing order/rule was enacted or given. If commands, standing orders, or rules are broken or disobeyed intentionally, it is usually done for attention seeking purposes. Rituals are rarely disobeyed or forgotten - but it can happen that rituals lose meaning over time, or the individuals in the dynamic find the ritual too difficult to enact on a daily basis. Rituals should occasionally be reviewed to ensure both parties still agree to and find merit in these tools. It may be a ritual is no longer possible because circumstances change - health, age, other obligations. For instance, kneeling may be impossible or very difficult as we age, or due to illness or impaired health, constant standing may become difficult. Standing orders are usually dictated by the Dominant, and while it may be that an s-type benefits from this type of instruction, it is usually decreed for the Dominant’s benefit. Rules are usually to the benefit of the s-type, laid down by the Dominant, and usually carry consequences for disobedience. Commands are immediate, can be issued for any purpose, and usually carry immediate reprisal for disobedience.

Whatever your relationship may be, or your current state of attachment, you may run into one of more of these types of structure. Finding how these tools can be used to enhance or define your dynamic is part of the joy of travelling down such a path, and hopefully now you have a clearer idea of what these components might be able to bring to your life.

I would like to be serving this braised Moroccan lamb shank with veg and couscous to my Mommy Domme, but until she manifests, I’ll practice my cooking service skill on my family.

Every night, before I go to sleep, I pray to the Marys - both of them, Virgin and Magdalene. It goes something along the lines of this:

“Holy Mothers, thank you for watching over me today. Thank you for stopping me from making an ass of myself when I’m certain there were many times I was on the verge of it. Please send me a Mommy Domme soon. May she be kind, caring, loving, affectionate, with a good sense of humour, kinda strict but not too much, understanding, good at communicating, patient, likes sex, totally into D/s, wants to participate in the community, wants to travel to leather events. If it’s not going to happen, I understand, please just give me a sign.”

I’m trying the soft sell first - I’m keeping my options open - but if it doesn’t look like there are any results from my efforts, and no signs saying that it is futile and I should just stop asking, I think I’m going to have to show up at church and light some candles - and by some, I mean burn the MOFO house down - and flip them a $20 in the process.

I keep saying Domme, but if I found a Daddy Dom who was a gentleman - which is rare, more likely impossible - who wanted more than online play or just a blow job on demand, I would be pretty happy.

While this is going on, I have a slow burning loathing in the back of my mind for all the shitty ass subs I keep hearing about. Like just the other day, my Domme friend told me about the time she punished her sub for being mouthy, by sticking her in the corner for a fixed amount of time, with a clothes pin on her tongue. Her sub then responded by not speaking to my Domme friend for three days - WTAF?!?!?

I said, “You know, if I had a Domme that loved me enough, and had the balls to do that, I would be in fucking heaven. I’d give my right arm for that!”

Because as it is, no one gives a rat’s ass if I’m mouthy, if I go to bed at a good time, if I take my pills, floss my teeth, drink enough water, fold my clothes - and truly, what I wouldn’t give for that. I’d fucking give my left ovary - which really isn’t much of a sacrifice to be honest, I mean, I’m not really doing much with it - for someone to give a shit about that, other than my inner Domme.

I sit thinking about all these subs that I have known who are just complete assholes, and yet, they have attracted awesome Dom/mes. How does that even fucking happen - I mean seriously - come on! They just shit on the dynamics they have, or take them for granted, and when the relationship ends, the Dom/mes are either so scarred they leave the lifestyle, or they never want a sub of that gender again, or their confidence is shattered, or something.

Thanks fucker! Do you know how many subs are out there who are sincere, and would want to treat a good Dom/me like freaking royalty, or like they are a precious jewel? Do you know what I wouldn’t give to be able to have a Dom/me to make breakfast in bed for, to run a bath for, to do the shopping for, to buy shoes for, to cut flowers from my rose trees for?

Do you know what I wouldn’t give to be able to say to my Dom/me “Mistress (or Master), where in the world would you like to live for the next 3 to 5 years?”

But no, that Dom/me you just hurt so badly that they might never engage in a dynamic again, got you - you selfish, knuckle dragging, troglodyte, arrogant, hot headed, short tempered, lazy, son of a motherfucking bitch shithead. It was all about you, your needs, what you wanted, someone dancing to your tune.

Fuck you and your unwillingness to communicate.

Fuck you and your whining.

Fuck you and your unreasonable, one sided demands.

Fuck you and your cheating.

Fuck you and your underhanded scheming.

Fuck you and your hiding behind your masks.

Fuck you and your withholding love.

Fuck you and your lying.

Fuck you and your ultimatums.

I wish I had the courage to track these fuckers down, and shit on their front porch.

Maybe I’m praying to the wrong people - perhaps I need to start knocking on Satan’s door - I have a soul to sell, I’m not doing much with it.

This is a true story....trigger warning regarding sexual abuse and domestic partner abuse.

I met Lilly on a vanilla dating site - her profile was the only one that I could find relatively locally that stood out. It might have been her flaming red hair, or her flower print frock, but something about her appealed to me.

We started out nicely enough - an exchange of messages on the dating site, and then it moved to a casual text message, then a phone call. We chatted for a few hours getting to know each other - talking about our academic backgrounds, our lives, what we are passionate about etc. In the pit of my belly, I knew it was futile getting to know her because she’s probably very vanilla, and the minute I share my dark secret, she will run for the hills.

So we would text very briefly every day - just a quick hello, here’s what my day looks like - it wasn’t a rule, or protocol - it was just something we did - and phone calls every other day or so.

She said to me one day that she really fancied me, and wanted to get to know me better - that’s when I knew it was time to tell her - to be honest about my lifestyle - it was only fair she knew the truth. I screwed up the courage to tell her and she was neutral about it - she wasn’t horrified, but she wasn’t interested in learning more or participating - her words were “Well, whatever blows your hair back”. She then confided in me about a secret in her past - of incestuous abuse involving a cult - and a child she had by her father.

As time progressed, she shared more about her life with me - about an ex-partner who was abusive to her - who was in BDSM but used it non-consensually against Lilly. She said she worked in a laundry part time, and a beauty saloon part time - and her beauty saloon employer was sponsoring her to become a barber, at the age of 60+.

She told me about the orchestra she used to own, and the female professional tennis player she used to date. She said she was having difficulty with her landlord, and her landlord was forcing her out, but that friends of hers were converting a small apartment complex into loft apartments and housing for homeless - but she was not allowed to have guests spend the night - because of the rules for the indigent tenants.

She also wrote papers on Barocque musicology, from the perspective of queer theory.

She said she had to testify against her former partner, who was being charged by the military, because the partner was in the military, for a number of offenses - impersonating an officer, a weapons charge, theft - and they were including Lilly’s rape complaint against the partner - Lilly had an AVO against her, and had to go up the level of protection once the charges had been levied against the partner.

We were friends on Facebook, she sent me a package of magazines from Sydney, and she was supposed to come down via train one day to Canberra for lunch - but she never did. She told me she wasn’t coming, saying that the stuff with her ex-partner was causing old hurt she thought she hadn’t dealt with.

I would talk to her about my D/s life - nothing blatant, I didn’t think that would be fair, but I did want to include her.

Then, I started to wonder about some of the things she was saying to me - like the abuse - apparently her mother died in jail, 93 years of age, just a few years ago - but I can’t find anything about the case on the internet. Surely something massive like a cult motivated pedophile ring would have made the news - especially if the father had abused his 3 daughters, and produced 4 children from the abuse. She said one of the photos on her Facebook was her, in her younger years, she had modelled. When I did a reverse lookup of the photo, I found it on three fashion blogs in Brazil. She said she was a champion dog breeder and dog judge for many years - but I can find no record of that on the net. I did find a blog listing about the collectables and antiques store she used to own, but the article said she was also a professor of pure maths at the local university - something she NEVER mentioned to me.

Later, in a conversation, she said she hadn’t come down on the train because we didn’t know each other that well, but she wouldn’t have a problem coming to see me now, since I seemed to be okay - I could be trusted.

Problem was, I didn’t feel she could be. How could anyone possibly have so much drama in their life? How many career paths could one person have? Oh, did I mention she was a psychiatric nurse - but she didn’t go to school for it - she learned on the job at the hospital?

I had been rather distant after a recent D/s event - partially because I was tired out by the event, and partially because I was preparing for my family’s visit. We had a conversation Monday, some text messages during the week, and we were supposed to chat on the phone Friday, but the phone conversation never took place. There were no text messages, and just recently I see we are no longer friends on Facebook.

Now, to me, those are all the signs of ghosting - of someone saying they are into you, they like you, but they suddenly just disappear from your life. Thing is, I’m not upset by it. We are really not compatible - she has so much drama and baggage - and I think I’m pretty drama free these days. She’s not into BDSM - which is something I would never do - I would never again get involved with someone vanilla - and so on, and so on.

I don’t know if I will ever hear from Lilly again - part of me wants to know why the silence, why the unfriending - but another part of me thinks “Does it even matter?”

So yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve been ghosted, but I don’t mind - I think I’m going to let this go organic. I think perhaps the Universe did me a big favour - I mean, I don’t have to be the bad guy, there doesn’t need to be some painful confrontation, my trust wasn’t broken - because there was very little trust extended to begin with (take that as a lesson kids - never give anyone complete trust until you get to know them - because you never know when the mask will slip) - and my heart wasn’t hurt.

Maybe at some point I’ll hear from Lilly again, but somehow I doubt it, and I’m okay with that - honestly.

The basic purpose of service is to make someone's life happier, easier, more pleasant, and any activity should be offered unselfishly and without any pre-conceived ideas or notions. I say someone as service is not always just given to a Dominant, and service is not always given by slaves or submissives.

Service should be offered with the best of intentions, the purest of motivations, with no hidden agenda or ulterior goal. Most of all, service should be offered with kindness and compassion, with attention to detail, and a dedication to do a good job.

Know that If you are with someone who is truly interested in service of some sort, he or she will want to do a good job. Any sort of play that may occur is viewed as a reward - there will not be any breaking of your fine bone china in the hopes of provoking you into some action. The individual giving the service is occupied with doing what needs to be done well, with style, to the best of his/her ability, in the hopes that you will be happy, and you will be pleased.

That’s not to say all will go well - there may be bumps in the road - but this shouldn’t deter you from voicing your thoughts and feelings as the service progresses. Feedback, both good and bad, is very important - it not only indicates that you are present in the moment, but that you care enough to keep the giver engaged. There is nothing more distressful to a service provider than to realize you are not enjoying their efforts, and with the appropriate feedback, there is no reason why any form of service can not get back on track if it should happen to jump the rails. You should feel free to speak your mind and to voice your pleasure or perhaps displeasure with the efforts being made, and trust that any criticism or praise will be taken in, measured, and efforts will be adjusted accordingly.

With that in mind, there are four actions that are key in regards to service - how to request service, how to accept service, how to offer service, and how to refuse service.

***

Request service with polite confidence, with a clear idea of what you. Accept service with the trust that it has been offered with the best of intentions and the purest motives. Offer service with a good heart, and sincerity. Refuse service or service requests with kindness, without guilt, and accept the refusal with grace and understanding it is not a personal rejection or personal reflection.

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Requesting Service

If you see someone in the community, who clearly has some sort of service to offer, there is nothing wrong with politely requesting service. It can require some delicacy, for instance, a service submissive might be collared - either on a consistent basis or for a fixed term - to someone. Requesting service would then be best asked of the Dominant. If you are asking a service Top, he or she might have power dynamics with others that might be ruffled if not given their due respect.

Best approach to an individual would be something along the lines of:

"Pardon me, but I have seen that you have X service to offer. Is this correct?"

If that is correct, and you sense that further discussion is welcome:

"Might I ask, would you consider negotiating performing this service for me?"

If someone approached me in such a way - though it doesn't need to be that exact wording - I would be very much inclined to hear what he or she had to say.

When you do request service, be very clear as to what you are asking for, and what you are offering in return. Yes, we would all like to think that service providers are these endless fountains of giving, but sadly, that is not the case. As well, if multiple people want service from the same provider, one might be more inclined to fulfill a request for service from one in particular if the person requesting the service had an enticing offer.

Now, when I say offer or service, it need not be something like play, it is definitely not a euphamism for money, and majority of the time, is not something sexual. If that is something negotiated, because you are both like minded individuals, that is great, but I would caution that approaching someone and putting sexual favours/play on the table as either a request for service, or expecting sexual flavours/play as a reward for service.

Once you have established that both of you are interested in this exhange, it would be good to begin negotiations, like you would for any play scene - limits, hopes, what you truly enjoy, how to call the scene if need be etc.

If a request for service is met with a refusal or rejection, know that it is not a rejection of you as the requestor, it is merely that your offer is not feasible, for whatever reason at that time. I don't think it would hurt to politely inquire if there might be future opportunity, but know that while your attention is appreciated, any offhand remarks or pressure could ruin what could have been an otherwise beautiful exchange in the future.

I know I keep focusing on being polite and gentile, but honestly, I think many service providers are highly attuned to etiquette. I personally know I am like a Hippogriff - like from Harry Potter - I am easily offended by boarish behaviours and attitudes.

***

Accepting Service

First off, let me share a little secret – those who perform service get off on making you happy. Yes, giving good service does stroke the ego, and it is addictive. I know I get a high out of giving good service – like I’m Christopher Columbus discovering the New World, and bringing back riches for my Queen Isabella – minus the raping and colonisation.

That is not the sole motivation for service – I was once asked to attend a Dominant because as her Dominant friend said, she needed someone to ‘be kind to her’. Having had a dynamic breakdown, this Dominant I was going to give service to, needed a submissive to show her gentleness – bringing her a plate of food, something to drink, giving her a foot rub. Sometimes, when Dominants have been hurt by their submissive partners, it takes another submissive to demonstrate that yes, we are not all the same, and yes, you do have redeemable qualities as a Dominant.

It may seem easy enough to accept service, that seems like such an easy concept, but I am finding that it is actually a skill that is lacking. Perhaps it is due to mistrust - why would anyone want to do anything for someone without a catch involved? Perhaps it is due to service becoming an antiquated nicety in regards to BDSM-D/s. I'm not certain what the cause is, but I think it is something that we as a community need to embrace once again.

Receiving service requires practicing the art of allowing - allowing someone else to see to your needs, wants, desires and whims. It may be difficult, it may seem as though you are giving up control, but rest assured, when service is given, if pure in intent, it is done from a place of both joy and pleasure. It requires, at times, opening up your home, allowing another into your private realm, perhaps even sharing whatever is most precious to you, but with practice, this can feel like second nature, if you are open to the experience.

If you are ever approached by someone who wishes to serve you, here are a few ideas you might want to keep in mind:

1. You are under no obligation to accept service from anyone, ever. Yes, the individual (and it could be a service Top making the offer) is offering to serve you, but there is an element of selfishness to the offer – selfishness in that the person offering the service gets off on giving good service. If you don’t feel comfortable accepting, for whatever reason, a simple “no thank you” is all that is required. You don’t need to explain yourself, or your reasons. You are perfectly within your right to reject service, I would just ask that you reject as gently as you would want to be rejected.

2. Without any sort of direction from you, and should the individual in question not think to ask, the individual is going to act as they believe he or she should. If an object is proceeding in one direction, and it is not inhibited by anything, it will continue on the path in that direction until something larger and heavier knocks it off course. If you would enjoy service from a submissive, as an exmaple – having a tea made, having your hands rubbed, having your toys or play station wiped down – if you want it done in a particular fashion, please don’t hesitate to say so. We are still, at the end of the day, service oriented, and it is comforting to be told how to perform an act – because it will please you, make you happy, and we will be doing it right – or at least right for you.

3. Not all service types are seeking something from you – other than your approval and perhaps a bit of praise. I know that for many female Dominants in the lifestyle, being approached by male submissives is akin to being a star ship, in the neutral zone, and a Romulan Warbird just decloaked in front of you – shields up! If you are approached by a service submissive, as an example, please give them a chance, at least hear them out. I can’t guarantee that all service submissives, or all service Tops will be complete angels, I’m certain there are a few who feel if they do you a service, they are entitled to some sort of reciprocal reward, but you can help curtail such expectations.

4. Treat acts of service like a scene - it is a scene! So to build on the third idea, when you are approached by a service provider, don’t hesitate to negotiate and define the terms – just like you would with a scene. Lay it all out – how long the service will last, what is expected – what is not expected, what you are willing to give/do on your part etc. If you feel play is a good reward for service done well, then feel free to say so. If you feel a hug is a good reward, then say so as well. Good service is more than balancing a tray with one hand, or giving a good flogging, it is about making you feel comfortable.

5. If you accept service from a service provider, allow them to do their jobs – but at the same time, ensure you know what they will be doing. I have had the privilege of driving Dominants around from time to time, running errands, and I was grateful when I was instructed by at least one Dominant that I would be opening the doors for her. So every time we stopped, I would rush ahead to ensure the door was open for her, and when we left, I would open the door to the car, closing it when she said so. If this hasn’t been discussed, it may very well be that the submissive will open the car door and building doors for you, I would suggest perhaps giving them the chance to impress you. If you exit the car as soon as the vehicle is parked, they don’t have the opportunity to demonstrate proper manners and etiquette. If you wish to punish a service submissive, open your own doors – that hurts right down to the bone faster than any caning ever could.

6. Just relax – easy enough to say I know – it is making yourself vulnerable to rely on someone else, even for the smallest task, but with practice, this can come easier over time. Start with something small, having someone open the door for you, and progress as fast as you are comfortable. Keep in mind, you need not accept every offer of service extended to you – “Mistress, may I fetch you a beverage?”, “Master, may I rub your temples?”, "Madam, would you care for a caning?" – only the ones you are comfortable with, from people you are comfortable with, in the right setting, at the proper time.

7. Exercise trust/caution at all times. This may seem like an odd concept – but please stay with me. In receiving service, you are placing trust in the provider giving the service – trust that they will not harm or hurt you, trust that they are doing only what is best for you, trust they have only good intentions. Sadly, this is not always the case. I would exercise caution as to who fetches a drink for you, or who you might have cleaning your house, or whatever act of service where your health, house, finance, might sustain damage. Sure, it might seem like a great idea for some submissive to come over for the day to clean your house for free, but perhaps there is an attached cost that you have no knowledge of. How would you know if this person forged a checque and cashed it until weeks later when the bank came calling? Are you certain you want to allow a service Top to scene with you when you barely know them, or know anyone you trust to vouch for his or her skill. Even the simple act of getting you a drink, from a bar, could have a very bad outcome. Know who you are giving access to, and ensure you are comfortable with how far that access extends.

8. Service is in a sense its own reward, but sometimes, there needs to be something more. For some service providers, for some acts of service, it can be very draining. This should be discussed before the service is given – what does the individual require to recharge, is there an expectation for the receiver to give back in some capacity? A service provider should know what recharges him or her, and should state that when arranging any long term period of service. For myself, for example, to recharge me, so I can give the best service, I ask for the four items:

a. If I am giving service away from home, and it is overnight – or over a few nights, I ask for a clean, safe place to sleep with access to a toilet and shower.

b. I ask for a few of my meals to be paid for or provided to me – the rest I can purchase on my own or obtain for myself.

c. A night or two so I might have a break – so I can go see a movie, walk around, see the sights, do some shopping.

d. Hugs and cuddles – not necessarily from the person I am serving, it’s always nice though.

These are the things I ask for when giving longer service – short term service, as long as my bodily needs of having a place to occasionally rest, hydrate, eat, and take care of bio breaks are met, I’m pretty happy. It would be nice to think that a service provider can give and be fulfilled just on the energy of the exchange, but in practice, I have found this to not be the case.

****

Offering Service

Offering to lick a Dominant's feet clean with your tongue is only service if it is something he/she would enjoy, and engages in on a regular basis, and possibly requested. If you offer this to a Dominant, and it is not of interest to the Dominant, it is not something he/her would enjoy, and he or she would never engage in this, then it is a selfish action which is only concerned with your self gratification.

If you are interested in offering someone service, you should approach with humility, and gentility. Do not offer any specific tasks, and realize that you are beginning a conversation/negotiation. Begin with an opening line such as:

"Pardon me Sir/Miss, but I would be greatly honoured if I might be able to offer you some form of service. Might we discuss what would be of interest to you?"

If you are granted leave to engage in conversation further, it would be wise to allow the other person to lead into the conversation - remember, you are here to make his/her life more enjoyable. You need to listen to what would make his/her life more enjoyable, because at this point, unless you know the Dominant even a little, you really have no clue. You could find a way to politely highlight your skills and expertise to the person, keeping in mind they may already have a good understanding, as well as having a clear idea of what they want from you.

During this negotiation, once you know what would please this person, you may be asked if you would like anything in return. I would caution being too forward in your requests, asking for an inappropriate reciprocal boon at this point could mean that you are quickly dismissed.

Once service is offered and negotiated, it is upon your honour to fulfill what you have offered/negotiated. The community is not that large, people will know if you do not fulfill what you have said you would do, and you most certainly will not have much credit or favour with that particular service receiver you slight.

***

Refusing Service

Now there are two types of service refusal really:

1. The provider refuses a request

2. The receiver refuses your offer

If a service provider refuses or rejects your request for service, understand there may be reasons for such. Perhaps they are tired - either physically or mentally - how do you know? Perhaps they are not in a good head space emotionally and just want to either recover, or be left alone until they are again fit for human consumption. Pressuring them amounts to harassment, and honestly, do you really want someone who is not in the best frame of mind fetching your drink, or clearing your play space, or massaging any part of you?

We as a community wouldn't stand for someone to be pressured into playing with someone, so service should be no different. No should be respected - whether it is a refusal for service, or a refusal to play.

Now, it may happen that if you offer service, the service receiver may refuse/reject your offer. Again, similar to your own reasons for refusing/rejecting a request for service, the receiver has his or her reasons for not wanting to accept your attentions. You can with much humility and respect clarify if the refusal is based on the offer you proposed, but this can skirt the edge of respecting the intended receiver's privacy.

Saying something like "If it my particular offer that you find unappealing, but would still appreciate my service in some form, I would be most happy to discuss an alternative offer with you.", would not be amiss. If this is refused or rejected as well, it would be best to move on to someone more receptive of your talents.

***

There are many forms of service, as there are many different archetypes of service providers. Not all are equal, not all share the same skill set, and not all have the same experience. Seize the opportunity to avail yourself of the talents of the various providers, and at the same time, assist them in gaining the skills he or she may need to progress further in the lifestyle.

Service providers are just one half of the equation, we need the service receivers to keep us razor sharp, engaged, and always striving for excellence.

Note: Just because someone offers service in general, does not mean they are offering it to everyone, or just anyone. Do not assume that because someone enjoys service, or that they have offered you service in the past, that this is the case presently.

Assuming is the fastest way to kill any possibility of someone doing you a service in the future. I had an occasion where someone approached me and said "I know you enjoy service, so you may serve me by making a plate of food for me". Can you see how at best that comes across as rude, and at worst, it is violating consent, because there is no room for consent?

I'll be honest, I get service drop. It's not a failing, it's not due to anything bad that happens during service, it's just how it is. There are a few reasons why it happens, based on my experience in this BDSM life, I'll use the example of cooking for an event:

- When I say cook for a service event, it usually involves weeks of prep ahead of time. It involves researching recipes or ideas online, or thumbing through my actual hard copy recipe books. Sometimes I'm given a theme, so I have to work with the theme, and as always, I have to work with the allergies, intolerances, sensitivities of the folks attending (are they vegetarian, are they allergic to shellfish, allergic to gluten?). Finding out something last minute when I have a menu all worked out in my head can alter the entire menu, and then it's back to the drawing board. Once I have the menu set, there's sourcing the ingredients or tools needed, and sometimes this is the hardest work. I wanted to serve a cheese platter once with Marcona almonds - imported from Spain - rather easy to find back home, but hard/impossible to find in Australia - I looked for like a week to try and source them. I wanted paper Sno Cone cups to serve an items in, and have you any idea how hard it is to find them in Australia? I'll tell you how hard, so hard I had to look them up on eBay, and I had to buy a whole sleeve of them - anyone up for a Sno Cone party - I have 190 cups to spare.

- There is the shopping for ingredients - this involves several trips to the store, or possibly multiple stores. This time around, I couldn't find avocado's anywhere - not at Coles, not at Woolies - I could only find them at the Farmer's Market. I also couldn't find the type of buns I wanted, that would go with the cheeses I was serving. Usually I go after work, but sometimes I have to slip out at lunch time and keep the items chilled at the fridge at work until I can get the items home. I like to serve chilli jam with my cheese platters, but I can only find it at one store.

- There's the actual cooking, which can be alot for a very complex meal, or very little, especially if there are many cold serve items. Again, the cooking occurs after work, or the day before - hopefully never the day of. I take chances sometimes, because of something goes wrong at this stage, I usually don't have the time to start over. I once fell asleep while slow braising some lamb shanks. I woke up to find a good portion of the sauce burnt, and at least one or two of the shanks beyond salvaging. That meant a trip to the store in the morning, and starting a fresh batch of sauce.

- Finally there is the packaging and accounting for everything I will need - this includes ensuring garnish are on hand, ready to go, tools and dishes are clean and packed. I have learned the fine art now of making a list, after forgetting some key items once too often - my memory isn't what it once was.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Why in the hell would you do all this - it sounds like insanity!"

Sure, it may sound like insanity, but it is a type of insanity I happen to enjoy. I do enjoy every step of the way, even though yes, it does use my mental and physical energy. I like pushing a shopping cart around listening to RuPaul on my head phones, I love finding that little bottle of oil that I know would be perfect for my salad, I love looking at '70s recipes and giving them new life, and I love the idea of a group of Dom/mes sitting down and eating my food. It is my own personal symphony, my own personal love letter to each and every one of them. Eat my food, and you eat me.

Okay, that didn't sound right.

What I mean is, every dish is my personality, it is me making a statement, it is my interpretation, it is me attempting to do my best to honour the ingredients, the event, the people, by giving my all, balls to the wall effort on a plate.

It is very nerve-wracking.

The next day, I am usually very tired - sometimes physically, but more so, emotionally. I usually start the next day by cleaning my kitchen - if the past me hasn't been a dick and left it as a complete disaster zone, otherwise I might book a cleaner - and I usually have to go find food - because the past me is usually a dick and hasn't left me any food or filtered water. At some point, I usually feel a tinge of sadness, or like there is something missing, the world and everything in it seems a little grey - maybe the fact I just spent some intense hours in the company of members of my community I care for, and now there's just me and the cat - though sometimes that is a blessing, because I'm not really that verbal the next day, and sometimes I'm down right cranky.

While I wander through the day in this sort of post service haze, the Domme in my head is very harsh, telling me I should have been nicer to the subs helping me - because they were pretty outstanding, jumped in to help, and tried very hard to work within my vision. They inspire me and make me hopeful that perhaps others will find the joy and love in service events like I do, and hopefully they too will one day understand why I morph into this knife wielding Service Top Gordon Ramsay knock off bitch in the kitchen. She tells me what worked and what didn't, and how I can fix it next time, and don't make the same mistakes again! If I'm lucky, she is pleased with me, and is happy that I didn't have a Guy Smiley meltdown because the parsley was chopped rather than chiffonade.

I know now I need to do certain things for me - like go to the movies, or play pinball for an hour, or build Lego, or play Minecraft, or write essays while listening to some contemporary Tibetan music - which is what I am doing as we speak. Maybe I'll fall into a Fetlife hole of reading and liking - but that doesn't mean I want to engage, or jump on a thread. Today, I just couldn't give a shit about another predator being named and shamed, and I just have no fucks about another consent violation. Today, I just want to sweep my floor, lay out my clothes for work tomorrow - Monday is back, best break out the favourite underwear, pack my lunch, and fall into power watching South Park.

Tomorrow, I'll start thinking of new recipes to try and serve and wonder when might be good to schedule the next event, and the process will start all over again. For now, it's eating Macca's on the couch, drinking cheap sparkling wine, relating more and more to Eric Cartman, and not wearing pants.

Tea party menu:

Gazpacho in cucumber cups;
Curried egg salad in avo half;
Beet salad with walnuts and goat cheese, drizzled with orange juice and pumpkin seed oil;
Roast leg ham and cheese platter;
Eton mess and Lamingtons for dessert.

Gazpacho in cucumber cups - amuse bouche

Curried egg salad in avo half 

Beet salad with walnuts and goat cheese, drizzled with orange juice and walnut oil (may use roasted pumpkin seed oil if I can find it)

Roast leg ham and cheese platter

Eton mess and Lamingtons for dessert.

Very Aussie ??!