Whether we know it or not, we are ALL in poly relationships. I know that sounds odd - even ludicrous - but just hear me out.
The first relationship, which is obvious (in the obvious versus subtle context - not obvious, as in 'It should be obvious, d'uh') is our relationship with our partner (if we have one). That one is pretty easy. The second relationship we have, which is not so obvious, or rather subtle, is the relationship we have with ourselves. The other relationships we have are with past partners, or past significant others in our lives, or even past versions of ourselves.
Realize in saying first or second does not mean the level of importance I place on the relationships, far from it. If that was the case, your relationship with yourself should be first, and everything else should fall in line. I am using the words first etc. to denote level of grossness/obvious and subtlety.
I don't think I need to talk about the relationship we have with our current partners, again if you have one, but I would like to take a moment to talk about the second relationship we have, which really should be our primary relationship, which is with ourselves. At best, this relationship is a healthy loving relationship, but at worst, it is abusive and negligent. I think the majority of us fall somewhere in the middle - we are not the best protectors and lovers we should be to ourselves, but for the most part, we are not these horrid monsters to ourselves. In a busy world today that not only facilitates disconnection, but also openly advocates for it, we are most disconnected with ourselves.
We don't listen to what we want, we don't give ourselves what we want, we don't focus on our own happiness, and yes, we don't love ourselves enough. By love, I don't mean thinking we're always right, or hi-fiving ourselves for getting out of bed, or being proud that we told off the mean grocery store clerk. Loving ourselves means being authentic, being us - the good and the bad - flaws and all and saying 'I am enough, I am worthy, I matter'. That seems pretty simple, but there are many who can't say that on a daily basis. Loving ourselves means being true to ourselves and our nature, flying in the face of not fitting in. Loving ourselves means really listening to ourselves - not just giving ourselves what we think we want/need. When we don't love ourselves, honour ourselves, support what we want, that is beginning of bigger issues down the road.
I'll be honest, I haven't always - or like ever - listened to what I wanted, or loved myself, for many reasons I thought were valid at the time. It is easy to think that all your energy should be poured into another - if I am a good wife, a good submissive, a good community contributor, a free love type community player - that you will suddenly be filled with satisfaction, pride, love, acceptance, a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, I'm here to tell you, that does not happen - in fact, the opposite happens. Being a partner is hard work, being in D/s is hard work, and being a good contributor is hard work - and I guarantee, unless you are firmly grounded in you, what you want, what you need, what your boundaries are - anything you do will leave you any combination of tired, drained, bitter, resentful, angry.
It can be very hard waiting for what we want, what our inner self wants. I have been waiting and wanting for many years. Sometimes I waited, other times, I took a chance on what I knew wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it gave me a taste of something I craved. That wasn't me being authentic, me supporting my dreams or my desires, it wasn't me loving myself. Being single and unowned can be hard sometimes, sometimes it hurts, but it hurts far less than knowing you betrayed yourself, or put yourself in a situation that was less than what you deserved, knowing you devalued yourself.
Following a path that isn't exactly what you desire can be fine, so long as you know this, and view it as a contract with an expiry date. So long as you see the situation with open eyes, see it for what it is, knowing that it is not exactly what you want/need/desire, and knowing that it will end when you get that precious nugget you are seeking, there is nothing wrong with the pursuit - just know it is a distraction, and not you following your dream.
Before we can foster a good emotional/physical/spiritual/mental relationship with others, in any capacity, these relationships need to be rock solid with ourselves. In the words of RuPaul, 'If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?'
We also have tertiary type relationships with our past partners, or friends, and the past versions of ourselves. We hold on to these people, I'm including the past versions of ourselves in this collective, we keep them embedded in us. As we move through life, these are often the silent Greek chorus over our shoulders, observing, possibly judging - often judging, measuring, weighing. The issue with this is that it is not the true representation of either these significant figures or ourselves - it is just an illusion. When we are no longer with someone, or no longer the person we used to be, we often have the habit of pulling only the best of that person, or the worst. We take moments of time, snippets of our life with this other person, and these moments crystallize in our memory, becoming the person we remember.
You ever have one of those moments, where someone says the wrong thing, or snaps at you, or laughs at something painful to you - and from that moment on, it colours how you view them? Happens to me all the time. I try to step back from that - I try to remember that we are all human - we all make mistakes. It's the same sort of thing. We build a memory of someone based on our memories of him/her - or of ourselves - but that isn't the true image.
Yet, here we are carrying on a relationship with someone who isn't true. We go through life acting in a manner that would make our deceased Dominant proud, or living in a way that flips the middle finger to our abusive ex-lover/ex-submissive. Is that an authentic way to live? Is it authentic to live in a manner that might be what someone else would approve of, or disapprove of? Isn't it better to live as we would like, or want?
Though we may say we're over a jilted lover, or some Dominant that rejected us, we often still carry on a relationship with them, or the version we created, long after the actual relationship has run it's course. It's a very one-sided relationship, and honestly, it is very tiring, because we are playing both parts - we our us, and yet, we are also giving some of our life and energy into the illusion we have of the other party. We seem to think the best of our younger selves, or we think the worst of ourselves as we imagine we will be in the future. All of these hooks pulling us in so many directions, it's near impossible to really focus on us (first and foremost), or on another partner.
It's no wonder we all feel exhausted, even stretched thin a little, we are feeding energy - sometimes negative but hopefully more positive, into poly relationships we didn't even know we had.
