Sapphire's Soul

He is out there.

He feels lost, like me, but doesn't know I exist yet.

The lesson of patience is strong on this one.

He would gladly brush my hair, hold my hand, hold me on those really scary days and guide me through my growth, patiently.

He won't hold me back, but help me fly into subspace.

He will let me in because he wants to, not because he is merely settling.

He is  dream right now, and when the Universe sends that sign, the time will come. 

Self care is going to be very crucial for me right now. I've neglected myself for far too long. 

When he knows, he will say hello. 

Dreams are good...and I will hold space for him until he comes out of my dream into my reality. 

Blessings

I thought I was okay.

I needed to be in nature. So, I went to one of my favorite historical places here locally, as they have great trails and it's beautiful. Grabbed some pictures. Opted for no music.

Then I started talking. Noone was with me or around, but I just began venting out loud. Then sobbing so hard and going back to everything that ever hurt me, all the people. Even back to childhood. 

I couldn't stop the floodgates anymore and the dam of emotions flooded over me. Pain, anger, desperation,  humility, tears, cutting cords I didn't realize were still attached. I was such a blithering mess.

I just knelt down on the ground. It was instinctive. It felt calming. The tears stopped. I grew calmer. I closed my eyes and listened to life all around me. 

The kneeling into emotional surrender.

I never saw that coming, but I wasn't afraid of it either. 

I needed to feel myself kneeling without even being aware. 

After I was calm, I got up. I didn't care that my clothes were dirty. 

I got back to walking and felt such peace and release. I just listened to every sound and didn't feel the need to cry or speak aloud anymore.

I know I will heal from this because I know I can surrender to my emotions, fears and weakness so that I emerge so much stronger. 

It doesn't need to make sense to me right now. I just know how much comfort I felt in kneeling in a most unique and unusual moment. 

Now for a (hopefully) quiet day at home.

Blessings. 

My first self care tub soak since my surgery.  I forgot how badly this is needed.  I can feel everything slipping away in the bubbly,  hot water,  reminding me that the pain gets washed away as well, in my mind.  

I will sleep like a little tonight.  

Blessings. 

It happened.

It finally happened.

The ugly cry.

The hysterical, uncontrollable, heart and gut wrenching crying that comes during the storm of a lesson. 

The feeling that my heart is being physically ripped out of my body, with no way to stop it.

I don't want to stop it.

I want to feel the pain.

I want to feel the broken heart.

I want to feel the tears running down my cheeks, washing away the pain.

I want to feel all of it.

By feeling it, I can then begin to heal.

I can begin to blossom.

I can begin to grow into the woman and submissive I am with even more strength.

I can rise above a temporary setback and emerge victorious.

I can finally move on.

I can return to the me I never should have left behind.

I can finally be free.

The ugly cry, quite simply, is deep healing for my beautiful soul that I don't always recognize. 

Welcome home, beautiful one. 

Blessings.

The tip of the iceberg. 

I tried so hard. I was only being me. 

But yet...

It really wasn't good enough. 

The challenging of everything I liked or wanted to do.

Being talked over.

Being told I was too emotional.

Being told I was being tested, when I had no clue.

My phone calls being recorded without my knowledge.

Feeling afraid to express how I felt because it was a trigger for him.

Being told that everything I liked to do was not anything that was going to be shared (relationship vanilla activities).

Being told he makes shitty choices in partners.

Seeing and feeling the cold and cynical side, with no reception of trying to see life from a positive perspective.

Feeling misled by the conversations I always reread to understand.

Feeling in limbo.

Angry at having to hide how I felt or what I wanted to do.

The multiple nights crying because I was left wondering what did I do wrong now?

Mad at myself for thinking I thought I finally found him.

The realization that toxicity was never good.

Hating myself, the depression, hearing my therapist tell me a month ago, "I've been working with you for awhile, and this is as your therapist...the woman sitting in front of me is NOT the ***** I have seen who is strong and determined and a fighter. I don't know what happened to you, but this is not you. "

I woke up.

I was even angrier. Angry that my whole being was not appreciated or wanted. That me being me was upsetting. 

Guess what? 

The change began. I had to make difficult choices, painful ones, but ones that I do not regret. 

My fear of being me was keeping me stuck in the quicksand of a dynamic and relationship that did not value who I am.

My feelings matter. My perspective matters. My voice matters. I matter.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I was trying too hard without realizing it. Then I thought, what if he wasn't trying hard enough?

There is no blame to be had. The realization is what matters.

Realizing that we were not personally compatible and that he was meant to come into my life to show me things about myself and remind me of things about myself that were necessary. Needed. Essential. 

I know, one day, I will throw myself on the bed or on the floor at the feet of the One who will be patiently accepting of my need to break down completely, so that I can be the Phoenix rising that I am. And He will then hold me and just let me cry and feel all the emotions I have never been able to truly feel. 

My scars won't be hideous to Him. My tears won't scare Him. My age won't scare him off. He will brush my hair out of my face and wipe my tears with his gentle touch and protect me after with the aftercare I deserve and need. He will still see me as his beautiful babygirl. 

Life is not perfect. I am not perfect. I need to stay true to myself and if that is not okay, then I will still be me and live with no regrets. 

Strangely, the anger has subsided. I don't cry today. I am far from healed, and I don't believe healing ever stops. However, I am grateful for what he did teach me about myself and helped me realize I make mistakes and can do better. 

But, I draw a line at toxic behavior. 

Be gentle, firm, patient, protective, and loving of yourself first, and understand who you are. I thought I had, and I was wrong. 

Now for a new beginning. 

Blessings.

Who am I?

Apparently, many things. 

I love to be at home snuggling. Being lazy sometimes.

But...

I love visiting historical sites. Antiquated cemeteries. Nature tours and hiking. My art and writing as therapy. Journaling. Getting out and enjoying this one life I have.

Reading is calming for me, but also a way for me to bond with someone, like our own private book club. 

The Journaling helps me vent and emotionally express what I have yet to understand.

The gym and outdoor exercise help my mental health. 

I go to my PCP and therapy regularly. Self care is necessary for me and I take it seriously. 

On my bad days, I tuck myself away, with fuzzy blankets and stuffies. They bring me some measure of peace while I sit with and feel emotions.

I have always wanted the love letters and wildflowers, stargazing and making out.

The actual relationship within the dynamic. Someone who wanted to do all this with me. 

Yes, I can do these myself. In fact, I do. If I invite you into my world and you make fun of it or decline, that tells me what you think of me. 

Most of all, I am realizing that who I am is not completely known. It is time I focus on me. What matters to me. What will help me grow.

The surgery helped. I have to do the work as I always did before. 

My therapist helps but I have to do the work. It's hard. 

I have to feel my emotions and they are not silly. If anything, the fact I can show them shows my strength. 

I struggle with decisions sometimes. The way they overwhelm me on my bad days reminds me of how important it is to have a supportive team in my life. Especially a Dom who understands this about me. 

I know I am a difficult person.  I've been told I am hard to love. That I am too broken.

Perhaps. That just means they weren't the right ones and gave me wonderful lessons. I can't be angry about that. 

I am learning to fully surrender to my imperfect self to grow into a better version of me. It never stops...life ensures that with the obstacles that I need to learn from. 

I will teach myself when no one wants to teach me. 

My mother always called me resourceful (as an insult) and she was more right than she wanted to be. Or me, for that matter.

Healing will hurt. That hurt is the medicine of growth. 

Kindness needs to be at the front of my mind, always. 

And unconditional love exists, in many ways. 

Blessings. 

There is nothing to say for how I feel.

It doesn't matter at the moment.

Sometimes, I just need to quietly slip away and stay in my room, because I don't want to be anywhere else. 

My safe space.

Quietly drifting away.

Too much for words

Overflowing waters

Of emotions from my eyes...

My heart aches to figure out

What is wrong with me,

But keeps itself disguised.

I feel lost, alone, and helpless,

But that is my burden to bear...

I'm not perfect,

And wish that no one would care

For that is the raw, exposed me,

Making the mistakes,

Overthinking takes,

Eyes and heart shake.

I've kept my emotions in for too long 

That I am sick from their groans

Wanting to escape their prison

Of feelings...

I don't know if that will ever happen. 

I am more than a submissive. 

I will always be me. 

Who is me?

Emotional.

Passionate.

Loyal.

Devoted.

Loving.

Sensitive.

Strong.

Tough.

Trying to always do my best.

Goofy.

Masochist.

A young girl still at heart.

A boy mom.

A mother and grandmother. 

A special education advocate for two of my children.

Someone most people feel at home with right away.

A confidant. 

A friend.

Sister.

Lover of books.

A unique and rare soul. 

Lover of anything art.

Daughter of the moon.

Divine feminine.

Lightworker.

Empath.

Shy. 

Introvert. 

INFJT

Lifelong learner,  both kink and non- kink.

Nature lover. 

A blend of deviant,  Pollyanna,  and Mary Poppins.

Always looking for the good in everything. 

Can admit when I am wrong. 

Wanting to make a difference in this world. 

Knowing that I am not perfect,  never will be,  but trying to be the best human I can be. 

Believer in guardian angels,  spirituality,  and the magic of the Universe. 

I am special, worthy, valuable, humble, and sarcastic. 

Blessings. 

The days are long. The nights feel longer.

Some days hurt more than others. 

I struggle with patience,  and I struggle with the projected recovery time. It will be months, at least 3, before I can do any significant activity. I am left feeling helpless at home and with my self care because so many things I normally do, I can't. 

I don't feel like I am good enough or good at anything. I'm sure that isn't true, but sometimes, my anxiety gets the better of me. I am working on it, but it still lingers. 

I don't like me much on the days I feel like this. I don't always see the value I know I have. 

The last thing I want to be, ever be, is a burden to anyone. Right now, that is how I feel. And deep inside, I feel stuck in my darkness. 

The light will come back, no matter how hard I need to work at it.