Tersely Pertinent

Good Morning all!

A some of you all have reached out and wanted to see why I have not blogged in awhile.   One special Domme wanted to make sure I was ok.   To be honest, I lost my groove a bit.   But things have been evening out and I thought I would do a bit of writing here.

On one of the other BDSM websites, someone asked what the most important questions is within the lifestyle.   While the answers posted ranged from "well thought out" to "rather moronic", what I think is most important wasn't listed.

In my not so humble opinion, the really important question is:

Why?

Why are you driven to this?   Why are you seeking to be owned or be an owner?   Why did you cross the threshold?

And on and on and on.

Now when I have asked this question in people in the past, they move to quickly to answer.  They really haven't looked in the mirror and asked that question to themselves.    Or, they know and refuse to identify what it is.   Drag it out of that locked chest in their mind and bring it into the light.

Or they simply do not know.   

So take some time today and grab a cuppa, sit back and look at your "why".    You don't have to tell anyone.  Just know and try to understand it.

D/s dynamics is all about optics

People on both sides of the collar tend to like the look of what they see.   Guys look at the pretty naked girls, trussed up and cum on their face.  Girls want to see the muscles and tats.   Both get their gonads pounding and, poof, orgasum and off to the store for shopping and picking the kids up from school.

That's their perception.

They don't want to look deeper.   The deep scares them.   They don't want to see the commitment. They don't want to see the duty of s type to D type, or the other way around.  They don't want to see the work.

As a Dom, I see the s type as a block of granite.   Cold, hard, unyielding.   

But I will spend hours looking beneath the surface.   I want to see that form that is struggling to get out.   I want to chip away at that stone until I see a hand emerge from the rock and show me it's palm.   Sometimes that is all I need to do and it will be someone else's job to chip away more of it til a arm is reveled. 

Other times, it is up to me to polish the whole statue and present it to another for final viewing. 

Or,  Sometimes I just need to get others a new set of glasses.

In today's technological terror of the lifestyle, people forget the simple basics of giving and receiving. We have become so involved with rope, anal sex, cock gagging, and the ad nausium of Kinky & Popular, no one teaches what the lifestyle is based on. Hopefully this not so brief note will assist some of those looking for a bit of direction. If it helps just one person, then my time will be well spent.

Just like in basic journalism classes, I believe the entry level can be broken down into the 5 W's & H. But, not only are the subjects important, the order of them is more so. I think one of the problems newer folks run into is taking these ideas out of order. Do it in the order I am going to give it to you, and you will be a much happier person. Now go get yourself something to drink. I'll start when you get back.

Ready?

Good, onward then:

Why

This is the most important aspect of all power exchange. Skipping this point, or putting others ahead of it leads to almost every failure within the lifestyle. When we forget the reason we give/take power, we become unrespectful of the power itself. We take things for granted and the possession becomes worthless.

subs: Don't let the bright sparkles of the lifestyle lead you astray. Deep in you there is a reason. Needing to belong to someone, in need of discipline, simply kinky sex, are all good reasons for wanting to submit. It could be something else, but you HAVE to find that. Now, sometimes, it helps to have someone help you find it, be they other submissives or Dominant.

Doms: The same thing goes for you! You have to understand why someone is willing to kneel before you. If you accept submission for the wrong reasons, or if the sub has reasons you do not perceive, the relationships is doomed. Find the right why. Dig that deep.

What

This one's easy, right? Spankings, Beatings, & cocksucking!

Buzz! Wrong! Don Pardo, tell our contestants what they lose!

Physical is but a mere threshold of submission. Don't get me wrong, there are those who want to simply scratch the surface, and that is fine. But, there are depths of submission newer folks don't understand. Mental and emotional submission is a nectar few drink of these days. However it can be sweeter than the simple physical. It can be fraught with danger and it can be hurtful when done incorrectly.

When it comes to the physical, there are things to submit to, and things you are not interested in. Think about it. Do some research. Not everything is for everyone. Think of it like a buffet: Take what you want and leave the rest. Maybe next time you will try something different.

Just don't eat the potato salad. Its been out too long.

Who

This is the mistake that everyone makes: Searching out the Who before you take care of the first two steps. Everyone wants to make that connection with someone, ANYONE, and for all the wrong reasons. Believe it or not, there are folks out there who should not be in the lifestyle. Both Dom and sub. They take advantage of others, and if you are someone new, they will teach the wrong things. If you spend time working on the first two steps, the Who will come along.

Now it is not instantaneous. It takes time. Sometimes, a long time. But it is time will spent. Slow down, drink a coffee, think about this. Rushing off usually leads to a cliff and the pointy rocks below. Great for a gothic novel, not so much for a first lifestyle connection.

When

So you got through the first three steps: You know why you are doing, the level of what you are going to submit and who is worthy of your submission. Next?

No matter what you read and what some folks tell you, 24/7 is not for everyone. We all have real lives we have to live in the vanilla world, like it or not. Not everyone can give/receive power all the time.

Given that, there are levels of submission one can engage in. Some simply do it in the bedroom, others at play parties, still others disguised submission though out the day. One can also go up and down this spectrum during the lifetime of the relationship.

Where

This sorta goes in conjunction with the When. Not everyone can bootblack their Doms during a powerpoint at work. On the other hand, Doms do like showing off their possessions. The third hand says some subs have authority level jobs and need the submission behind the bedroom doors.

As the three handed Knight once said: Choose wisely.

How

Everyone thinks this is the most important, when it is really the last thing. Why is it the last? Because it is the simplest. Which is why everyone does it too soon. As the fetish list here on Fet show, there are hundreds of ways to show/accept submission. Going back to the buffet metaphor: Pick and choose. Come back for more, and a third trip around. All for one price.

Just use a clean plate. That's just nasty.