Barbie Dreams

I used to be an Orthodox Jew and folks send me messages every day asking about why I left.  People assume that I was stifled by a cabal of abusive rabbis and forced to be barefoot and pregnant in a loveless marriage.  People say that I was deprived of an education, brainwashed and trapped by a gang of amish dudes dressed like Run DMC.  

Nope.  It wasn't because Ye got pissed at some of us either, if that's what you were thinking.

Of course I'm brainwashed.  We are all brainwashed by something.  But I left because it was no longer practical for me specifically.  That's on me.  It was more like falling off a diet because I was working overtime too much.  That is another story for another time.  Today's blog is the beginning of a new series on Judaism.  Specifically, aspects of sex, femininity and Hasidism and how that got me here.  There are a lot of Judaisms and a lot of ways to be feminine, just like when I wrote there are a lot of Brooklyns the other day.  They are all fine by me.  I'm passing on ideas that I still use and that shape who I am today, because many of you like to hop in my DMs and get it wrong.  It's going to be a long series because we've been at this for awhile and it's going to jump around a lot because thats how I communicate.  Some of it may be unintentionally inaccurate.  My seforim are in storage.  Don't worry, I'll still write thirsty posts about Tyler and Eminem and keep the dumb dad jokes flowing.  And if I finally get laid or find a real Dom and they tell me to, I'll let y'all know.  If I order a mail order husband from Israel, you will be the first to know.

In the Hasidic world, we live a life apart.  We separate holy days from profane, feminine from masculine, outside from inside.  G-d even separated aspects of Himself when he made the physical world. The Kabbalah teaches us that when G-d created the world, he began the process by contracting his Or Ein Sof (infinite light) to make a finite space for a new creative light to beam (Kav).  This space was a vacuum that gave rise to the Makom, or dwelling space for free will where the sacred and profane can live.  This physical universe (profane or secular) conceals the spiritual elements of G-dliness, originally placed in vessels or Kelim, that shattered from the power of the Or Ein Sof and dispersed shards of broken vessels that we are tasked to gather in our exile and repair (Tikkun).

Tikkun, or repair, refers to the human mission to reclaim and elevate these sparks.  One way that jews do this is by building our own dwelling spaces for Hashem (G-d) in the lower worlds. Traditional judaism teaches that the most important dwelling space we can create is the home.  The main way to know that a hasidic or orthodox jew likes you is that they invite you to their homes, especially for a holiday meal. Women run these homes and we demand and receive respect from all.  Synagogues are secondary and sorta whatever.  Synagogues (or shuls), are outside.  Our homes are inside.  L'havdil (an expression jews use to separate even in conversation), my sexuality creates by receiving, nurturing and elevating that masculine energy.  I'm a vessel.  But I'm also perfect as is and without a man.  I'm not a woman because I fuck or raise kids.

The Kabbalah teaches that women are on a higher spiritual plane than men.  That's why I don't chase.  That's why I don't want to run shit around here or dominate anything.  I get comfortable. If you protect, provide and support this vessel, I'll nurture and elevate you.  I'll help you make you make yourself whole.  Not by building with you and your ego, I'm not Barbara the Builder.  This vessel has businesses that are run quietly from home when necessary.  This vessel loves La Perla lingerie and cooks Moroccan food.  I make the right house a home and I fortify you spiritually, physically and emotionally.  So you can go out and get it.  Of course this is all more complicated.  I gave you rudimentary Kabbalah on one foot in 30 minutes on a BDSM website.  Now I'm going to give you the Hillel cop out.  One foot is not enough, go learn on your own if you want.  I'd start by reading Eishet Chayil.  You have google. 

I'm saving this post in case you assholes delete it btw or the anti-semites show up.  30 Minutes is like 200 dollars of my time and time is zman mfs.  Love you!  

I made a video where I realized that I have anti-social tendencies and that's why I only attract losers.  Luckily I was there to help Tyler during his time of need and he wrote a beautiful song about our love.  I am not really Tyler's lover or real life granny, but it's relationship goals and what not.

My video (same shit still don't enjoy this too much):

Tyler's song:

I came back early because going to functions is exhausting and I didn't want to leave the dog for too long.  I have stories (sexual ones - no i didn't have it today) but I'm not trying to tell them because someone will take it wrong and it'll be annoying.  After that post I wrote about Doms, I'm over reading comments right now unless I'm really stoned.  It doesn't mean I don't appreciate folks - I probably value you.  I just don't know what to say about my thoughts that won't piss people off, bring stupid over here or get my post deleted.  And I'm not in a trolling mood.  Too tired to do a video.

I don't get a lot of autistic burnouts or shutdowns like I did in my twenties.  I credit this to working to get to know myself better and being successful enough at crafting a supportive environment.  I do experience stress though and have to watch myself.  In very extreme cases (that have happened), it's gotten to the shutdown phase and I can't take care of business.  It would be crazy if I didn't lose it once in awhile; I do like 10 peoples jobs and the situation here is not ideal.  And I'm a mom; it's in my DNA to make sure everyone else is good before I handle myself.  I have to secure my own oxygen first though, so here we go.

I watched this guy's video about motivation 

Personal pep talk:

You do a lot of insanely difficult shit.  If you fall off, don't beat yourself up.  You were probably just making money, ill or taking care of your family.  You don't want to have a shutdown, so do these basic things when shit gets tough:

Drink water

Take a walk

Pay any bills that are due that day

Order groceries if no food and you can't get to store

Don't drink booze or use too much herb

Eat at least two meals from the lazy list

Text at least one person so someone knows what's up in case of emergency.

Don't listen to music that makes you sad or angry or read the news.

Take meds if you are on meds.

Meal plan for lazy days when you should not be cooking:

Breakfast:

Oatmeal

Protein bar

Smoothie

Lunch:

Salad

Veggie Burgers

Veggies

Beans / Soup

Dinner:

Salad

Veggies

burrito bowl

Veggie Burgers

Beans

If you live in the USA, be extra careful today.  Today is a holiday and there are cops everywhere.  This is slightly less dangerous but still troubling: it's amateur hour for drunk frat boys, non-alcoholic drinkers who can't hold their shit.  Common sense is not so common today.  

IF YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS - Take your meds and be careful.  If you live in a place where this is effective, wear a medical bracelet.  Look up the stats for police encounters with mental illness.  They will fuck up your day and they've been known to shoot.

My ex invited me to a BBQ and I told him hell no.  He is still trying to get me to join his boring as polyamorous relationship. I told him if he buys me a new house, I'll let them both hit.  Otherwise, ew gross they are busted.  I do have a great relationship with my ex and we are both coparenting well.  But he is dreaming with his thrupple bullshit.

The dog is afraid of the illegal fireworks.  My kid is at her dad's house.  I'm going to stop by a BBQ at Stanford you can say hi if you see me.  I hate Stanford University, but they employ some of my associates.  I'll make a video later probably; I'm anxious to making some progress with this social anxiety and it is hard as hell to break.  So tired of being scared for no reason.

So I have a new phone finally, so the video quality is a little bit better.  I did a smoky eye today for my jog lmao - no lies - I'm trying to get married at the mall.  Sorry kanye reference

My new thing is trying to make these videos outside while I'm exercising.  My thinking is that I'll create a behavior chain

Still listening to Drake the guy has been at it for awhile - This one hits home at the moment hahahaha

There comes a time in a rap track where the artist may give out some financial advice.  This is the part that gets me pumped up.  Yes I love a hard beat drop, but I will let out a 'tell em' or 'yassssssssss' when we get to the parts about having no friends, the financial advice, or being crazy.  That speaks to my soul.

Drizzy Drake Rogers is Jewish just like me.  I wish he were a little less zesty sometimes, but the man is beautiful.  And when he delivers that:

"I like all the profit, man, I hardly do percents (I don't do that shit)" it gives me that yiddishe nachas.  Everyone please get your money and have a wonderful day.  I'll start posting videos of myself again soon probably.

I'm very isolated because I've been fortunate enough to be a hustler with a crazy ass work ethic and a distaste for 9-5 employment.  I'm motivated to pursue a more traditional career for awhile, because my thinking is that I can just work on my businesses on the company dime after I learn how to do the eight hours of work in two hours a day.  

It sounds fun as hell to play the match the 401k contributions too.  Free money.  Yes I'm Jewish.  I think getting money is fun.  Mfs are going to claim I'm racist now, yay! I've been poor - I didn't grow up with money.  Everyone please get your cash it's important.  Please don't message me with excuses: I don't want to hear them.  We take lemons and make lemonade on this blog.  

Music is Tyler.  A lot of mediocre people get mad when you want to level up.  I keep my friend group tight, so I forgot about this.   I try to only hang out with honest and direct high achievers.  Apparently it's not politically correct to write this, which I didn't know.  Same with health and fitness.  If you can, please be fit.  I started because I'm a single mom and knew that if there was a fire or emergency I better be able to pick up my kid and run a full city block or up or down several flights of stairs. 

I'm considered a BBW here because people here stay in shape.  On the internet, someone sent me like 15 messages yelling at me for calling myself a BBW.  I love my body.  I'm curvy.  And I want to get in the best shape of my life without losing these sexy curves.  I'd love to have a six pack and a well-defined back.  I thought BBW meant curvy not obese?  Not like there is anything wrong with being obese; please don't delete my post over me not wanting to be obese.

I've been searching for virtual role models and some youtube inspiration.  I am getting a lot from listening to the following man.  He is direct, self-employed, and no BS.  At this point, I just write here for myself and want to leave some gems for future me when I need inspiration.  Here you go future SJG: "Lack of Discipline Makes you Ugly"

This is not a throwaway reference to some dumbass fake guy's jizz from the internet.  It's a wutang song.  And wutang is for the children and what not.  That 36 chambers album is one of my favorite albums ever made.  I'm not just talking about in the hip hop genre either.  Like overall.

Good day.  Hoping to have another one of those tomorrow.  

So many diamonds to mine on this track.  Fake ass people lying to you and being stupid. Yep I can relate.  I know I'm stupid and I say stupid shit.  And I'm no liar.  And J Cole fucking snapped in his sweet poetic way.  Top 10 for me.  Going to drink some cider and pet the animals.  If anyone is having a rough night, I'm sending you my love, for whatever that is worth.

Shavua Tov motha fuckers - please don't be stupid our there tonight.

Xolo Rescue Dog update:  She loves my daughter more than me.  She's successfully doing on walks without fear!  We are focused on getting her used to as many scenarios as possible while she's still in that puppy learning phase!  She's finally trusting me to put coconut oil on her to heal the scratches from her old dog family :)

And it is the dog feeling sturdy.  I've got no foot work.  I'm still working on not running into shit while I walk hahaha.  My daughter is less afraid to take walks too, because the homeless people don't yell at us when the dogg pound rolls together!!!!

We are going to the park later to hit up all the kids birthday parties 

I'm watching this movie again.  It's average but damn that soundtrack. And Viktor Lives! (Is that what they tag on the walls I forgot and I'm stoned?) I've got the ingredients together for cholent.  Not in jogging condition yet.  Still not ready to really talk to anyone.  Paka Пока for now mfs.

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