I finally was able to leave the house to get a vegan burrito and some edibles last night. I'm still sick, but I made a short youtube video. Getting a little more confident being on camera without makeup but I see why people wear makeup now. I'm not checking comments here because I don't feel healthy enough to deal with that, but I will eventually check them and I appreciate you if you liked or commented anywhere. I am trying to clean the home and reading about dog training for my new dog. And myself. It's pretty much just ABA therapy for the both of us. I'll probably upgrade to premium again to post some pics of my dog. I'm not cheap I'm just grumpy.
I'm going to try to put a small amount of effort into getting ready today. My daughter is having a great summer so far. I want to take her a bunch of fun places this year that don't make me want to kill myself. I hope you are taking summer trips too! I don't really like vacations most of the time because it fucks up my schedule. And people around here, like when I go to the weed store, they all ask me why I am in a hurry and what's the sense of urgency? Some people even try to tell me to relax. Maybe I will relax when I'm dead people. When I feel better I'm going to try martial arts and go back to yoga.
This and the good morning song by Kanye are typically what I throw on when I need to get off my ass. I love this track so much.
I'm still sick but on the mend. Hopefully by Friday or Saturday I will be able to jog again. I feel stuck intellectually too. I walked down the street to grab food and it felt like a lot of work. My new dog is still afraid to go outside unless it's the balcony. Hey, sometimes I am even afraid to go on the balcony because sometimes people try to talk to me when I'm hanging out there. The only people I like here are the Venezuelan landscapers and when I realized it was almost always those folks, I redecorated and started using the space once in awhile. It costs a lot to live here and almost everyone here works a 9-5. No my living space is average or below average compared to where you live, but it's the silicon valley and everything is stupid overpriced.
I'm back on the idea of being the master of my own domain. I originally got into BDSM for a few different reasons.
I haven't had a lot of successful teachers and/or role models
I'm sexually submissive and am interested in some of the sexual aspects of this
I've always tried to associate with people who are a few steps ahead of me
My successful relationships have always been with high-achieving extrovert bossy ENTJ guys because they are outcasts too, give me alone time, and see the value in me. We both communicate directly and dislike BS.
The autism gives me a bit more of a black and white attitude toward gender roles so it's easiest for me to just pick a role and stick with it.
I'm a direct person and I need direct friends and partners. BDSM focuses on direct communication and consent (hopefully).
I was brutally attacked several years ago at the worst possible time and haven't dated or been intimate with anyone since and thought I could use kink to make peace with all that.
I think it's time to face facts that I'm grown and it's highly unlikely that anyone on any of these websites can mold me into a better version of myself better than I can. My assumption was that I'm stunted in growth because of the autism and not leaving the house thing. I tried a lot of different therapists, and please forgive me if this is offensive to anyone, but it was hard to relate to these people who didn't have personal experiences of actually having to overcome anything. I've been fighting my whole life just to exist on my own terms, especially when I was younger. Now the fight is more about stacking cash to continue to buy my freedom.
Just being open to finding a Dom, posting ads once in awhile, and responding to DMs is exhausting. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought a Dom needs to be superior in some way to a submissive.. So I went at this thinking, if someone is going to assume this role, they needed to be smarter, more successful, more organized, more emotionally mature, etc... Maybe my assumptions about this are why I have not been successful in finding a dom. Let me give a few examples, please don't take this as an attack anyone because it is absolutely not.
If you are 400 pounds, you probably shouldn't be teaching people how to lose weight.
If you are unemployed and broke, you probably shouldn't be teaching people how to get rich.
Do you see where I'm going with this? I've taught myself basically everything I know - I have several advanced degrees but that is mostly just about showing up and remembering to turn in 'homework' and bullshitting. And memorization. I've been doing so much by myself alone for so long. So when someone DMs me here wanting to dom me, and they haven't figured out how to make money, are obese (not fat shaming i've been fat before too), can't keep their ego in check and have an IQ that is at least 30 points less than mine, I can't take them seriously. I'm like, bro, I know you are a dungeon master in your RPG group, but that doesn't mean you have any business being the boss of me.
I'm going to use this blog to keep tracking my accountability, and hopefully that will keep me from popping off too much on dumb folks and getting my posts deleted. Believe it or not, I have no resume. I've been building up my linked in network, and that seems like a place to find a mentor or two (not a Dom, but maybe someone I can shoot a question to once in awhile). There are so many successful people in this area I can learn from, but I need to leave the house and be seen. I miss the jewish community. I may even give some of these local guys who want to meet me a chance.
I need to keep writing because who knows when I'm going to be brave enough to meet local folks in the wild and there are no people here that I consider Doms who actually want me. Now that we've got that out of the way, I watched the Notorious BIG movie for the first time last night. You must be thinking to yourself, damn SJG, I thought you were a hip hop fan? Yes I am, but I'm also a single mom, I have a bunch of degrees and businesses and I am not always able to just sit and watch movies. I think I was probably in Israel when that was released? Don't remember.
So Biggie is from Brooklyn and so am I. But two different worlds. There are a lot of Brooklyns and I am not even from the fancy part. I relate to Biggie but I can't ever really walk in his shoes or understand Bed Stuy at that time. I knew some folks who moved over there and Bushwick and thought that they were hard, but they had trust funds. It got me thinking again about how we can all be so close, yet we may not ever take the time to learn about other people and where they come from and what the fuck they are dealing with. So I wanted to come back, calm the fuck down, and actually try to understand. I'll even try to explain my people a bit, even if I don't always understand them all the time either. Because we are misunderstood as hell too. But I'm probably just lonely and I don't even know if I have people other than my nine friends and family.
Running away doesn't do shit. I was just getting more headaches than I wanted to deal with being on here for awhile. And I don't like dealing with crap that gives me headaches and doesn't pay me money. And I don't give a lot of fucks, but I also don't want to hurt good people by being offensive. Yes I love to troll and outwit stupid people, but I don't want to be an asshole to real folks trying to just live life. So like Nicki said, RIP to BIG. Classic shit: