Barbie Dreams

Just your average Jewish autistic business lady whose turning herself into a 1950s submissive barbie sex doll. Don't mind me.

I'm still sick but on the mend. Hopefully by Friday or Saturday I will be able to jog again. I feel stuck intellectually too. I walked down the street to grab food and it felt like a lot of work. My new dog is still afraid to go outside unless it's the balcony. Hey, sometimes I am even afraid to go on the balcony because sometimes people try to talk to me when I'm hanging out there. The only people I like here are the Venezuelan landscapers and when I realized it was almost always those folks, I redecorated and started using the space once in awhile. It costs a lot to live here and almost everyone here works a 9-5. No my living space is average or below average compared to where you live, but it's the silicon valley and everything is stupid overpriced.

I'm back on the idea of being the master of my own domain. I originally got into BDSM for a few different reasons.

I haven't had a lot of successful teachers and/or role models
I'm sexually submissive and am interested in some of the sexual aspects of this
I've always tried to associate with people who are a few steps ahead of me
My successful relationships have always been with high-achieving extrovert bossy ENTJ guys because they are outcasts too, give me alone time, and see the value in me. We both communicate directly and dislike BS.
The autism gives me a bit more of a black and white attitude toward gender roles so it's easiest for me to just pick a role and stick with it.
I'm a direct person and I need direct friends and partners. BDSM focuses on direct communication and consent (hopefully).
I was brutally attacked several years ago at the worst possible time and haven't dated or been intimate with anyone since and thought I could use kink to make peace with all that.

I think it's time to face facts that I'm grown and it's highly unlikely that anyone on any of these websites can mold me into a better version of myself better than I can. My assumption was that I'm stunted in growth because of the autism and not leaving the house thing. I tried a lot of different therapists, and please forgive me if this is offensive to anyone, but it was hard to relate to these people who didn't have personal experiences of actually having to overcome anything. I've been fighting my whole life just to exist on my own terms, especially when I was younger. Now the fight is more about stacking cash to continue to buy my freedom.

Just being open to finding a Dom, posting ads once in awhile, and responding to DMs is exhausting. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought a Dom needs to be superior in some way to a submissive.. So I went at this thinking, if someone is going to assume this role, they needed to be smarter, more successful, more organized, more emotionally mature, etc... Maybe my assumptions about this are why I have not been successful in finding a dom. Let me give a few examples, please don't take this as an attack anyone because it is absolutely not.

If you are 400 pounds, you probably shouldn't be teaching people how to lose weight.

If you are unemployed and broke, you probably shouldn't be teaching people how to get rich.

Do you see where I'm going with this? I've taught myself basically everything I know - I have several advanced degrees but that is mostly just about showing up and remembering to turn in 'homework' and bullshitting. And memorization. I've been doing so much by myself alone for so long. So when someone DMs me here wanting to dom me, and they haven't figured out how to make money, are obese (not fat shaming i've been fat before too), can't keep their ego in check and have an IQ that is at least 30 points less than mine, I can't take them seriously. I'm like, bro, I know you are a dungeon master in your RPG group, but that doesn't mean you have any business being the boss of me.

I'm going to use this blog to keep tracking my accountability, and hopefully that will keep me from popping off too much on dumb folks and getting my posts deleted. Believe it or not, I have no resume. I've been building up my linked in network, and that seems like a place to find a mentor or two (not a Dom, but maybe someone I can shoot a question to once in awhile). There are so many successful people in this area I can learn from, but I need to leave the house and be seen. I miss the jewish community. I may even give some of these local guys who want to meet me a chance.

Thanks for coming to my mother fucking Ted Talk.

Music is Kendrick because it almost always is

Umberlee{AH/Savage} - Let me chime in on this.

In the time that I was seeking someone "stronger than me" and "someone who could right me" I was looking for someone, smarter, more successful and just more- more than me, stronger than me- by extension, superior to me. Dominance is not necessarily superiority. And sadly, BDSM isn't the best form of therapy. If you are hurt, and that hurt keeps you from trusting then a D/s relationship will be very difficult to maintain. Now, if you are looking for a play-partner- just some fun kinky sex- most "Doms" are good for topping :) But if you are looking for that "superior" Dom, well unfortunately- Dominants are human, fallible and well just as lost sometimes. In the end we are human.

However, when you are socially awkward and find it difficult to relate to people, it is even MORE difficult to find your way in this lifestyle. Like any "dating pool" well... there is a shallow end. I tended to find myself in it alot. Sorry that you have to wade through that. There are still good Doms out there.

I am also going to remind you that submissives are so much stronger than they realize. They have to be- most of them carry the world on their shoulders. Wanting a release from that, doesn't make you submissive necessarily. The deep fulfillment from serving and pleasing does that. (I know- thin line between traumatic people pleasing and being a submissive, right?) I do like that you recognize that there may be a difference in your bedroom preference and the rest of your life. It is self aware and is a good place to start.

So... now that I have rambled like the neurospicy queen that I am- a little advice. Get to know the people in your local kink community. Throw me a message I can give you a list of resources, given that you are driven you probably already have those resources, but the offer stands. Eventually, you can find a kink buddy that can go to classes with you, help you explore slowly within your comfort zone. I know I got impatient early on wanting to understand it all... know it all... see it all. It takes time... and wading through some of the worst lines you can imagine.

ok I have babbled enough- Good Luck

1 year ago

aPeepingMom(sub female) - “Wanting a release from that, doesn't make you submissive necessarily. The deep fulfillment from serving and pleasing does that.”

This. I think my brain exploded when I realized this. Actually, I have had several brain explosions during my (short) submissive journey.

What I originally thought I wanted out of submission is NOT what I actually wanted. Go figure.

1 year ago

MsDove(sub female){Eternal Pi} - My path was very different than I imagined too. I think it is for most of us.

1 year ago

autisticbarbie - I'm not explaining myself well I think. These responses are valuable and have given me food for thought for sure! And this is not related to your reply at all, but I still don't understand the rules of what I'm allowed to discuss without offending people. So I feel kinda misunderstood and stuck, lol.

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - Never worry about “offending someone”. If someone gets offended, then that is their problem, not yours. You are allowed to speak freely. Just saying.

1 year ago

autisticbarbie - My posts have gotten deleted here a few times, by users or admins. I think i can sort of get why the admins deleted one post, but I get a lot of user suggested deletes when people don't agree with what I say or if I'm in a mood to respond to some of the more rude messages that evening.

I have ASD, so sometimes it sounds like I'm trolling or being offensive when I'm honestly just trying to clarify most of the time lol. Thanks anyway for this message, I don't think I'm always the best communicator and I jump around a lot :)

1 year ago

I'mME - Woman,
You know something, fuck that and anyone who comes and suggest you delete something.
You aren't hurting anyone, and not everyone is wound tight as a ticks ass when they write. Your blog is YOUR BLOG. it's where you are supposed to write and I never have trouble following what you mean.

Let me just say, maybe these 'people' don't have enough to do!!!

We are all individuals and doing the best we can, okay? If I'm embarrassing you just let me know.

1 year ago

I'mME - Sorry I wanted to get a meme and post it here . You may relate or not. I got lost on the way back. 🤷

1 year ago

I'mME - SJG,

Listen, YOU LISTENING? If someone says they are a Dominant and they get offended by anything you say. That is not your person and I would elaborate, then I'm sure a few tongues would be wagging.
I'm already wound up, got my trusty bat riding shotgun.

The feelings that wash over me when I read things like this I can't even begin to write. It makes me cringe and a little bile rises up in my throat. And no I don't want to hear how bad subs can be. Period. JIC, one of those posts were coming. It would be inappropriate and there is not one damn thing that one could write that would compare to this lady saying and feeling this way. Damnit.
Nobody should act like that, it's fucking dismissive and frankly some jive turkey bullshit.

You be YOU. Oh I know , I'm not a proper submissive, wagging tongues.,
That's right, I'm not a proper submissive , bc I'm not submissive to STRANGE MEN.
But hey for the ladies who are, if that's what floats your boat, happy floating.

I'm going to stop writing now, before I really get going and lay truth down on these pages.

I See you Submissive Jewish Girl........ and I HEAR YOU.

Always here to support , listen, laugh, rail, .

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - An you tell us how you really feel? LOL. You know I am teasing. But I agree with you 100%

1 year ago

autisticbarbie - Honestly, it's not the potential Doms, it's the ones I ignored or didn't want to hang out with or send nudes to that day lol. I think it's a risk disclosing a 'disability' because you do get a lot of people studying you and trying to manipulate. When I first got here I was really naive about the fuckery people will pull. I'm not in any danger with that anymore tho. Always appreciate your comments and input here.

1 year ago

aPeepingMom(sub female) - “If someone says they are a Dominant and they get offended by anything you say. That is not your person.” A-FUCKING-MEN!!

1 year ago

MsDove(sub female){Eternal Pi} - My opinion: For me, a Dom needs to be intellectually stimulating and likely an equal. The D/s roles are more about how you agree to relate or interact with eachother. The submissive is not "less than" in any category.

He also MUST be emotionally mature and stable (that's where alot of folks in either side of the slash are often lacking) to be a proper Dominant. You appear to be very self aware and willing to be introspective. To me, this is something that is important in a relationship. You need that from your Dominant too, especially because of your autism. He needs to be willing to understand how that impacts you and learn how to support you, just as you will learn how to support him. Because you had a bad experience, he needs to have patience with you and take the time for the two of you to develop trust AND respect. A true Dom will not rush into a relationship. It takes time.

There are some great Dominants here. But also alot of wannabes who know how to talk the talk, but are really just scammers. You are an attractive woman. I am sure you have already seen your share.

Don't put too many requirements or restriction on who you are looking for. You could screen out Mr. Right.

Best to you! 🕊

1 year ago

autisticbarbie - My restrictions are super basic. like be an equal, have a job, be smarter, don't be married, don't be disrespectful, etc...

1 year ago

ErosRising(dom male){Hekate} - If I may come in from the Left side of the slash for a moment…
From my perspective, what you are looking for is going to be hard to find if you want a Dom to “best” you in these categories. I am not saying that it is impossible, just hard. I will give you an example using my dynamic with Hekate.

Hekate is very intelligent (and I do mean very). There is no way I am going to beat her in all these things. I mean the woman has a Bachelor’s Degree in Neuropsychology from Harvard!!! I have an Associates in Biblical Studies. Huge difference. With that being said, I can still keep up with her intellectually. When it comes to our dynamic, it is not about the intelligence or money or whatever else. It is solely based on the connection and the vision that we have. That is the key to a successful dynamic in my opinion. The rest is about how to get there. Hekate is intelligent enough to do it on her own but, she didn’t want to. Same with me. Our visions aligned and now we are going to that place together.
My job as her Dom is not to be smarter than her but to help direct her to work through where it is she is trying to go and then to hold her accountable by setting up goals for her to achieve. This is really where the D/s dynamic works. I give her the tasks and she does them as a Service to her Dom while really she is doing the work to become the person she wants to be and to bring forth and fulfill our vision.
Long and short of it is, do not try looking for someone that can best you. Look for a Dominant who is going to have the same vision in life as you and that will come from underneath you to build you up. Being Dominant is not being “better” than the submissive. It is about leadining them to where it is they want to be. (Speaking about a LTR Dynamic). This is different than being a Dominant in a play situation.
Keep your head up. You are more awesome than you even realize. Do not rush it, the right Dom will come into your life when it is time.
~Eros❤️🖤❤️🖤

1 year ago

I'mME - Eros,
Great advice. I was going to say something similar, but nowhere as eloquent.

1 year ago

aPeepingMom(sub female) - “Look for a Dominant who is going to have the same vision in life as you and that will come from underneath you to build you up. Being Dominant is not being “better” than the submissive. It is about leadining them to where it is they want to be.”

I ❤️❤️ this so much!

1 year ago

I'mME - SJG
What Eros said.

1 year ago

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autisticbarbie

Barbie Dreams

Doms are not the answer