I would like to shed some light on Discipline and Punishment. The two may interact to some degree but are also quite exclusive in nature. Allow me to explain...........
dis·ci·pline
ˈdisəplən/
1. the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
2. a branch of knowledge, typically one studied in higher education.
When we dominants (and I speak loosely about all dominants. Of course some may do it differently) begin training a submissive we are disciplining them. Teaching them how WE want to be served. A good quality dominant, imho, teaches a submissive to their strengths. Promotes their power and abilities. Teaching them to be the best version of themselves. Teaching them how to be disciplined in their character. The point I am making is, submission (or dominance for that matter) is a discipline in and of itself. Like, psychology is a discipline. Martial arts. Or Yoga.
As a dominant, I have disciplined myself to be proficient with the flogger. Of course, that is physical, what of emotional, or mental? I have disciplined myself to be patient, kind, strong in character. Some dominants (or submissives) have natural gifts or are already self-disciplined in certain areas just through upbringing or natural ability of character. But we ALL need to grow in these areas. I am of the belief, and I can find no reason for this belief to not be true, we will always need to grow in our character as a positive nature towards ourselves and dealings with others. I can always be more patient. I can always be more kind.
Now, discipline, in a given dynamic, can be defined from many aspects. I will focus on one definition to make the point relative to this writing. A dominant may make a submissive address them in a certain matter. Or fold their clothes a certain way. Or require a certain amount of positions for varying situations. The reasons for these are various and many and not on topic, so let’s leave that for another writing. A dominant will spend a long time training a submissive on exactly how they would like to see something done. When the submissive doesn’t get it quite right, the dominant disciplines the submissive. Corrects them. Notice I didn’t say punish them? Because it is negligent to punish someone for something they haven’t learned. I will give you another example: As parents, we teach our children right from wrong. Good from bad. What to do and what not to do. Safety from harm. Sometimes, children don’t listen (super surprising I know!!). When we hold their little hands over the stove top at a safe distance and let them feel the heat emanating from it, their eyes get wide and we say, “HOT!” And hope this is teaching them. How many times do some children have to be told not to touch the hot stove top? For some, just once. For others, several times but they listen. For others, you tell them over and over and they still don’t listen, until they sneak a touch on the hot oven and they learn a lesson the hard way. When a child learns, however they learn. They’re best learning capacity is through discipline. Tried and true showing them and letting them know. When a child ignores that discipline, what you have attempted to teach them, they suffer.
pun·ish·ment
ˈpəniSHmənt/
noun
1. the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense
2. the penalty inflicted
As a dominant, if after we have taught you to be disciplined in a given area, you then begin to break that discipline, you will be punished. And of course, the punishment should fit the crime. And the length of period of time we allow for you to learn a given discipline is defined by every dominant individually.
Discipline is what you want. What you would choose even because it trains you. Moulds you. Teaches you. To live up to the quality of standards that are being set before you that meets the needs of those involved within your dynamic. Punishment is not something we want. Yes, we may feel remorseful and willingly accept in that remorse to be punished as necessary. But we certainly wouldn’t want to find ourselves being punished if we had the choice. Example: If you steal something and get caught, we don’t want the punishment. We deserve it, absolutely. But we hoped to get away with the theft. If that wasn’t the case we wouldn’t have even tried. When we’re caught we may be remorseful and accept our punishment. But, we didn’t truly want to be punished. We hoped to get away with it and avoid that punishment. I know of no submissive that wants the disapproval or disappointment of their dom.
Now, this opens a can of worms.......because there are many submissives nowadays who believe that being bratty, pushing buttons of a dominant creates “funishment”. They live to be punished. The motivation for this revolves around only a handful of base sentiments.....1. They enjoy the attention it creates (consider this an insecurity. If your only source of feeling like you’re being paid attention to is from acting out.......there is a larger problem with your rational thinking processing that may need to be addressed. Conversely, I have also seen submissives act out simply because their dominant is failing to notice what needs to be paid attention to. However, I don’t believe this is a proper behavior nonetheless, as adequate communication always seems to suffice). I say this tongue in cheek. Because I know there are plenty of dynamics that find this totally acceptable behavior and is an agreed upon kink. So.....I personally find issue with this. But, it is only me personally, and I am not in any way attempting to judge others dynamic. 2. The acting out is topping from the bottom. Seeking a gratification of punishment by creating the environment by which they know they will be punished. Again, not judging, just pointing out facts that I have seen and counseled.
Back on point, those issues above notwithstanding, punishment is a last resort. Not something we should seek. I can only speak for me, so I do so. If, after I have trained you, taught you self-discipline in any area, should you then choose to go back on that which you have learned after a time, I will begin to punish you yes. But, more than that, I will begin to question why? Why after you have successfully learned have you quit following that which you know is correct? Because it’s no longer that you have an excuse of you didn’t know or understand what I wanted. You learned. You were taught clearly with compassion and patience. So why have you stopped? Because often, the answer is desperately needed to be known. Some submissives will be suffering from stress, or sub-drop after a particularly heavy scene and act out because they needed more aftercare or longer maintenance. Sometimes life is just too much, the stress of work, kids, a dynamic and the personal weight they put on their own shoulders to “measure up” wears them down and often the first to suffer is structure and the protocols therein. In such cases, I can not stress that sometimes punishment, while necessary, may only make matters worse. They are overwhelmed and punishment may only drive them deeper into feeling like not enough. Knowing your submissive and what best motivates them personally is vital in these circumstances.
Discipline and punishment can go hand in hand. But they are also truly exclusive. They have a different and unique focus and quality about them. Confusing the two means only that you don’t completely have defined for yourself your own personal focus and desire.
Especially as a dominant. Knowing why you require a specific action from a submissive (and no, because you can is NOT a very viable reason), and the growth you hope to achieve with that action first for your submissive and then for you and mostly for your dynamics growth. Will help you quantify the focus of your training and to what purpose it serves. No submissive can follow you when you as a dominant are not sure of where you are going and why. Self-discipline in focus, in determination, in direction, in achievement is required. These take time to answer for yourself. Introspection, honesty, integrity of desire all of these things are needed to gain clarity for the purpose you personally are set out to be as a human being.
As a submissive, choosing to surrender is a continued choice. You don’t make it just once and you’re done. Committing to what you trust in your dominants direction is paramount. Regardless of whether you completely understand or not. Because trust also requires an amount of faith. And yes, the dominant is going to get it wrong. Sometimes desperately wrong. Those times dominants need your patience and forgiveness for being human too. You can help yourself and them by choosing to learn. And sticking to your protocols, especially when it's difficult. There is nothing that says submission more than when you're having a tough go (or your dominant is) and you show up maintaining your protocols. Often that grace and devotion of character is what shows the discipline you have learned has value and merit in strengthening your dynamic. And when you’re acting out, ignoring what you’ve been taught, see the punishment for what it is. Their genuine care for your continued peace. Not an attack on not being accepted as you are. We accept you as you are, or you wouldn’t be in our care. Just as a parent loves their child no matter what. You can’t change or take away their love by your actions. So also, dominants do (or certainly should) accept you as you are, no matter what, and express their devotion and love continually through a myriad of things, including punishment. No parent, if they truly love their child, withholds punishment for the wrongs they’ve taught you shouldn’t do. Otherwise, it shows what they’ve taught you doesn’t truly matter. And you won’t respect them ever. This holds true for your dynamic. No dominant should ever withhold their punishment from you. While it may not be pleasant, if it is warranted (and be honest, you know when it is) it is truly the best thing for you.
I hope you find focus in this writing and your peace today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
