Every submissive is unique.
No two are the same. Ever.
Even those things which one may enjoy or desire that are the same as another are for unique reasons.
To that end what I am about to expound upon may or may not apply to a submissive. However, I’ve witnessed some heavy similarities within many submissives.
They may all enjoy different things, having different fetishes or kinks. There are some things that they seek that are the same. How they go about it is wholly personal and individual.
I am speaking of a D/s or M/s dynamic. One where a energy transfer happens between all parties involved. While some similarities may apply to pro-domination, tops, play partners et cetera, those similarities are often coincidental or secondary to other concerns or focuses on the submissives part. Those submissives who seek a D/s or M/s dynamic ‘usually’ are firstly considering these ideas as a focus or need (even if they do so unknowingly or subconsciously).
I write this because dominants often times are in the dark about a submissives behavior or their expressed needs origins. It is not a secret. Yet many dominants are unawares. This information can aid you in guiding, nurturing, encouraging, supporting the submissive in your life should you choose to use it as such.
Here are some not so secret, secrets about submissives.
1. Almost ALL submissives desires for dominance revolve around the idea of letting go. Right. Nothing new here. Most dominants understand this......the question most often asked of dominants is why? Because their logical brain (at least often with males) wants to understand. Figure it out. Quantify it. This is the WRONG question. The point is, they do.........whatever their reasons.....accept it. The correct question is........What does this submissive need to let go? When we begin to explore this question something interesting happens. The why begins to reveal itself even though we weren’t focusing on it. This is almost ALWAYS the way it is, particularly with female submissives. Forget trying to rationalize their feelings. Hello, they’re FEELINGS. They will NOT be rational. They aren’t meant to make sense and fit neatly into a box of a definition. (FYI there is no more sure way to push a submissive away than to define them and thereby limiting them to said definition). Changing the focus from why are they like this? To, what can I do to encourage them to be more like this? Automatically shifts the focus. You are no longer questioning the submissive, rather, yourself. I don’t mean, “How can I be a chameleon and morph into what this submissive needs?” I mean, “Am I able in my natural authentic self dominance capable of holding a space for this submissive to let go?” NOW THAT”S THE QUESTION THE SUBMISSIVE IS LOOKING FOR!!!
Back to what a submissive needs/wants......this number one question should instantly show you as a dominant where your focus is. I guarantee it shows a submissive. When the question is why and focused on them you’re exclaiming you fail to understand how a dynamic works in the first place. You do not need to understand to respect, honor, cherish and approve who they are. They have lived a life (more often than not) with plenty of people outside of BDSM that try to manage or shape how they show up, hiding it under the guise of ‘understanding’ them. They are looking firstly to see if you have the strength to hold them right where they are. No questions or concerns about where they are. Just, tolerance, patience, care, compassion. Can you do that? Are you capable? Because rest assured, if you are not..........they will move on. They will NOT feel safe with you to let go. That is the NUMBER ONE thing a submissive seeks. It looks like a million different things. Brat. Little Girl. Masochist. Kitten. Sex toy. Slave. Submission. ALL of it is surrender. The place they want to be free to just BE.
As a dominant you MUST cultivate an attitude of acceptance, patience and trust in who YOU are. Are you an individual that doesn’t believe in who you are? Do you lack the trust of yourself? Are you capable of caring for someone as is? Do you have the character to know that who you are is a beautiful person that can receive another as they are and respect them with all of the things you do not understand? If you can trust yourself, that confidence will exude safety to submissives. Not because you try to. Simply because it is who you are.
2. Which leads me to this next important revelation. Submissives seek confidence. Not hubris. A MASSIVE difference. Confidence doesn’t need to argue. Doesn’t need to stand up for itself. Doesn’t get offended at others’ opinions to anything contrary towards them. Encourages honest debate. Embraces humility and one’s own personal limitations. Because that is confidence! It is a conundrum that acceptance of your shortcomings makes you strong. It encourages confidence. Allow me an example. When you are acutely aware of your flaws and point them out openly to others no one can use them against you. You are confident that you are human. Just like everyone else. There will be those that resonate with you. Get you. Like you as is. And there will be those that do not. Neither one is more important than the other. Both are necessary to maintain humility and strength of character.
What does this do for a submissive?
It goes back to number one, it shows them you have the integrity to uphold who you are. Which means you are WAY more likely to hold them safely as well. They are, in many cases, trusting you with everything. More than they trust anyone. They want to be sure that the person they are trusting can confidently know who they care for and will not turn away from.
Confidence is a matter of energy. Character. Integrity. Yes, it displays itself in action more than words. More than that, it displays itself in a life that is lived simply being authentic to who you are. Do you know who you are? Can you answer any question unwaveringly with no shame no matter how uncomfortable and awkward it may appear? Being able to do so shows a level of confidence in yourself that a submissive NEEDS. Because there will be days, moments when a submissive will falter in their own ability to see their own value. To know who they are. They need to know you are capable of seeing this and reminding them with strength and care.
3. A submissive LONGS for transparency. They yearn for the day they can be authentically themselves with a partner. It is part of the letting go. In the world they have to put on a brave face. To the children they must be the parent. To their partner, specifically their dominant, they just want to be themselves.
I will tell you a belief I hold. It is neither right, wrong or scientifically proven. There are no facts behind it. I don’t hold this belief to push on ANYONE else. This belief is for me. To remind me to be dominant. That is it.
It wasn’t so very long ago this lifestyle didn’t have Dd/lg dynamics as we know it. As I have watched them grow and become more of the mainstream of BDSM I have ascertained a point of view that I feel has accurately summed up MY experience as to why submissives even began showing up in this fashion.
Because dominance failed them.
30 years ago dominance was revered. Sought after. Oh, there were the occasional Dim-doms. But it was FAR from the norm. Or, more realistically, the inter-web was a child and we probably didn’t see the proof of existence of so many would-be-doms. At some point, dominants (or those who entered the scene back then) began being more self-focused. Me, me, me. Dominants (this dominant included), were not interested in allowing a submissive to be themselves. We were interested in who they could be for us. We failed to be tolerant. Submissives rebelled. They began to be VERY vocal about what they needed. How they needed to be cared for. How they longed to be allowed to be small in a dominants care. What kind of dominant they sought after. This wasn’t required 30 years ago. Dominants handled it. They KNEW that any partner wanted to be free to be themselves. Because, as a dominant, so did they. With the advent of armchair dominants, masters of dominance behind a screen, dominance (and submission) found an outlet where they could be accepted, themselves, approved of if it was only online. Dominants quit trying to be transparent in person, it became easier to do so in word (text, keyboard) than to live it and the shift began. As dominants we began to hide like cowards from having character. Submissives began to let dominants know in no uncertain terms they weren’t having it. Sadly, submissives should have never had to. Dominance failed them.
Again, I reiterate, these are MY beliefs. They are not right or wrong. I push them on no own. At the very worst, they are how I have witnessed myself. My own personal failings. Though, I have heard resounded from many other dominants as well.
I express ALL of that for this one purpose ONLY. Submissives NEED to be themselves. However that feels comfortable and resonates with them. You (we) as dominant(s) get the opportunity to see them. To witness them. To hold them safely and nurture a space where they can let go of ALL pretenses.
As a dominant we can encourage this by being honest. Set the standard and more than honesty and truthful, be transparent. Your honesty can be subjective. Truth, can be in the eye of the beholder. Transparency allows a submissive to make up their own damn mind about whether to trust you or not. Given your transparency though, they will be hard pressed to desire anything but. As a dominant we MUST set the standard. Show the example. Step bravely into the world and say, “This is me. In all my imperfect perfection.” Doing so nurtures the submissive into knowing they can show up authentically because you live thusly. Do NOT expect them to show up vulnerably if you are unwilling to meet the requirements of your requirements. When you show up being unashamedly yourself, how else would it affect a submissive but encourage them?
Remember, a submissive YEARNS to be themselves. Free from the shackles of pretense and brave faces. They long to fall apart if they feel the need to. They deeply desire to take off their make-up, be chained and flogged into peace. They want a life of freedom in YOUR chains. But, YOU have to show them a reason to willingly put on your leash. Can you?
4. We talk about trust so much I am beginning to wonder if we even know what it means. Yes, trust is about extending vulnerability to another. Be afraid, there is NOTHING wrong with saying you are scared. That is honest, and honest is beautiful. We would not have courage if it was not for fear. The courage to show up and trust another is a marvel to behold. On BOTH sides of the slash. Male dominants suck here. We have been neutered in a society that says not to be vulnerable because it is not macho or cool. We have MAJOR toxic masculinity problems around trusting someone else. Why? Because we do not trust ourselves. You know why we don’t trust ourselves? Because we do not even know our own self. We have spent so long running and hiding trying to imitate what we saw and believe we see from other men (fathers, uncles, movies, TV, news) we have accumulated this idea of what a man ‘should’ be.
Trust is about FIRSTLY trusting yourself. Otherwise, you can not possibly know what it means, what it is, or own it to offer it.
AFTER you start trusting yourself you begin to find areas within you that are not very trustworthy, and you begin tackling, healing, working, growing to be better.
THIS is how you foster trust.
When you have the capacity to witness yourself and your own bullshit AND you can own it (see point #2 above) you begin to foster trust because you show yourself as trustworthy.
Trust will NOT exist if you fail to be trustworthy.
Trustworthiness is something you can not say. No amount of saying you are will EVER cause someone to trust you. It is the evidence of your very breathing. When you make a mistake (and you absolutely will) are you trustworthy enough to admit it and outline the steps you will take to correct it? Because THIS builds trust.
When you don’t know, admit you don’t instead of ignoring, or worse being defensive. THIS builds trust.
A submissive NEEDS to trust you.
The bedrock upon which this foundational piece is built is being trustworthy.
If you live a life full of vices, incomplete tasks, failure on follow-throughs, forgotten promises do NOT expect someone to trust you. You can be the most likable person alive. People can enjoy your company. You are a fun human. But, you can’t truly be trusted. Because you haven’t learned to be trustworthy.
5. A submissive NEEDS to feel your power. This is a culmination of the previous 4 points.
What is power? How does a submissive feel it?
It is your emotional and mental fortitude. Your strength of character. Your integrity of confidence. Your ability to know who you are and live it with purpose and focus because you believe in your truth and yourself.
This translates into energy sent out to the collective. An individual with values and determination acted upon can only ever be powerful. Not for others’ sake. But for their own most assuredly. That’s what power is good for anyways, guiding one’s own life. By extension when a submissive sees the value in such power they seek to align themselves with it. Not to draw from it (manipulation) but to add to it. To be your respite in the storms of life. They NEED your power as a balance to themselves. No differently than you need theirs.
How can you cultivate your own personal power?
In what ways does your power, or lack thereof, affect your interpersonal relationships?
Do those that come in contact with you walk away better than they were as a human?
Is your power used for selfish means, or can you have the courage to simply be your authentic self?
I hope these points of what a submissive looks for in a dominant resonate with you.
The point of the writing was not to show you how to align with what a submissive needs. If that is your take away you are deceiving yourself. The point is to show you yourself. However that looks. And for you to decide how you choose to show up as a dominant.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
