From the time I was a young man I have been impressed upon to hold space for others.
My mother was a woman I loved dearly, but she did have some emotional instability. She leaned on me as a child seeking solace in my listening ear. She asked of me to council her. To help her feel seen and safe.
That was the beginning of it all for me. Where I was taught it is important to give others your time, energy, heart to help them.
Imagine my dismay when I discovered it was only in one direction.
When I felt something and wanted someone to listen I was not allowed.
Maybe you can relate? It invariably went something like this:
I would feel that I was not being heard or allowed to take up space. The individual I shared that feeling with would feel threatened, or less than, or attacked by my expression. The conversation instantly shifted from what I was feeling to what the other was feeling. I was not asking for a solution. Or asking for my feelings to be 'fixed'. I was just asking to be met. I just wanted someone to care about how I felt as well. What I did with my feelings is on me. My responsibility.
I discovered that it was too much for anyone to hold a space for what mattered to me.
I convinced myself this is why men do not show their emotions (and there is some truth to it!!). But I also accepted that my role was to be the one that cared for others and their emotional experience but I was being selfish if I asked for it in return. I was taught love is sacrifice. And this was mine.
This was reinforced over and over again. Relationship after relationship. I just did not know any better. I believed fully this is how life goes. This is how it should be.
My rebellion at life, at those closest to me, was painful and violent. Ending me in prison from the age of 16 for 4 repeated times. I am certain I had no clue my resistance was born from this emotional neglect.
There was a season where I went to the opposite extreme and lashed out with my needs. Demanding to be heard. Making no room whatsoever for anyone else's needs because it was my turn damn it!!
Allowing ourselves to just be who we are when others would not can often create some form of traumatic response.
Even as I write this I notice in my body a hesitancy to believe it as honest. I never want to believe those who say they love me the most would be so dismissive.
Fast forward to today.
I neglect myself in all kinds of ways. The biggest one is where I do not give myself permission to feel how I do. I try to hide or manage my emotions so as not to 'burden' another with them.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in managing our output, or expression of those emotions. That is a sign of maturity with our emotions. But ignoring we actually feel how we do, whatever that feeling is, neglects our own humanity. Restricts us from loving ourselves fully. Denies our needs. Causes us to feel as if we are less than and do not deserve to be treated with care. Makes us small and we believe palatable for others. We become conflict averse because we do not want to see that others do not care. The reminder is so painful.
What happens when there are those around us that actually do want to extend and open their hearts to us to hold space for how we feel? We struggle to believe it. We have become so adept at ignoring ourselves and our own needs we end up becoming the ultimate people pleasers. The consummate in codependency. Our identities become so intertwined with who others say we should be that we forget we actually have a say. That we DO feel some kind of way and are allowed to have a voice.
Navigating these spaces are far from cut and dry. They are exceptionally challenging. Often, the help of a licensed professional is necessary to unravel and heal these neglectful patterns.
I express this all to extend kindness to you. To encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you work to find your voice. I have repeatedly run into others who have experienced something quite similar. The stories may sound wholly unique, but the end result was always familiar.
Our relationships, especially those within BDSM, are often the most intensive emotionally. It is no surprise these wounds get pressed upon.
It is often why we speak of negotiating what we need within our dynamics. Exercising our voice muscle and finding safety within the ability to do so for ourselves.
Please know. You are not alone. This struggle plagues many of us.
Fighting to be heard.
Fighting for the right to take up space.
Fighting to love how we do.
Fighting to be passionate about what we are.
Fighting to feel, believe, express what we desire.
It is not an easy road.
But it can be made lighter with others compassion and support.
I hope you find peace for YOU today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
