If you have to push me, instigate me, coerce me, ask me, manipulate me, bribe me, force me, demand of me, to be my dominant self I would sincerely question if you believed I was dominant at all.
My dominance is not something I bring out when I want to get freaky behind closed doors. It is every part of who I am. Balls to bones as the saying goes. There is no one particular trait that is inherently dominant per se, but the whole of who an individual is speaks to how they manage their own life.
If another person has to cajole my dominance from me they either do not find value in how I show up (which is absolutely respected), they live in their fear and need to 'manage' how another shows up to feel 'safe' or the individual being pressed upon to be dominant simply is not dominant as an individual and may play dominant as a role (no shade or shame intended).
Dominance in the form of a 24/7 dynamic is not something one turns on and off. How do we quit being compassionate? When is it acceptable to turn off our desire to care and lead? What are the ways that we are allowed to not listen? When is it ok to not respect you or your needs? When is it allowable to give up on our responsibilities because we 'just don't feel like it'?
I would challenge someone fiercely who felt they needed to 'push' dominance out of someone. I would state the individual with whom you are attempting to push simply is not dominant or their dominance does not move you organically.
Dominance inspires submission. It does not ask, convince, connive, manipulate, bribe, demand, or force. That is controlling and the furthest thing from being deserving of submission.
Honest Dominance is rare. You know how I know? Because so many submissives are seeking it and few find it. It is often why submissives become part of a House or a social setting that allows them to serve in a capacity where their submissive needs are met. Even if that is a number of submissives coalescing around a singular dominant. Submissives often reach a point on their journey where they would rather connect with their submission in part than not at all. And if it cannot be with a committed partner exclusively they will find other ways to get that need fulfilled rather than ignore or suffer internally. And even then, the dominant they choose to support their submissive endeavors is someone who fosters genuine trust. Not manufactured. Not made up. Because I know of no submissive that does not want to be moved by a look. By the steady hand of a dominant. Naturally. Organically. Authentically. When it is found, it is held onto with dear life.
If the dominant you are vetting does not naturally move you to an inward kneeling and deep respect over time simply by how they show up as themselves they are not for you.
Period.
Yes, that can be built together as you grow with one another. As it should be even. The moment you discover something you can not respect or trust it is over (by in large). There is no amount of waiting that is going to cause you to believe in this individuals character if you do not do so naturally. And once trust or respect is lost, the connection is severed. Can you get it back? Or maybe work through the challenge that created this breach? Yes. Often, however, this is if you have been in a long term committed relationship to begin with. If you are vetting this individual you are under no compulsion to offer any grace here. Can you?
Sure. If there are other pieces of this individual that you feel are redeeming to out weigh this piece you do not trust. Others can learn to become trustworthy in an area that you disagree with and you both can work through that. I would express that is the exception more than the rule. Usually there is no reconciliation over those things we find distrustful.
Nor should we make an allowance for such. We are all allowed to have our hard limits and we deserve to stick to them for ourselves.
So,
If you have to convince someone, push them, bribe them, coerce them into showing up in their character. Be they submissive or dominant. Run. You are only hurting yourself.
"Well, what about the other person not knowing what moves us? Or not knowing what we need? Shouldn't that be communicated???"
Of course!!! The only reason we communicate that though is because we are extending trust to our partner believing we will be heard and respected for our desire/need. That is not the same as knowing we will be ignored and or disrespected and trying to convince someone we are worthy of being heard.
The fact that you would believe you will be heard through your communication proves the other individuals trustworthiness and your respect of them.
If we bypass communication for actions meant to 'stir up their desire to be attentive', RUN. It is not healthy.
No one should have to beg to be cared for. It is a basic human right.
If the dominant you are seeking does not do so because it is their character to show up as an individual that is responsible I dare say that is not dominance. It is selfishness.
I hope you find what serves you today
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
