As she entered the dungeon with her submissive friends she couldn't help the sense of emptiness she continued to feel. She laughed with the girls as they spoke of their comings and goings but her heart wasn't truly in it.
She had sought for so long. Had all but given up hope that there was a healthy dominant out there for her.
She was the kind of submissive that wanted, no, needed her heart involved in her dynamic as she was very much a feeling human being. She had tried the one-night-scenes, the temporary collars and it never resonated.
She wanted to feel safe. Protected. Kept. Because she had this innate need to belong. To belong to a dynamic with passion and fervor. To belong to a dominant that would overcome her will by a simple glance. And she was certain that he was out there.....somewhere. Just probably, at this point she believed, not here.
She was seeking the same as most of her girlfriends were. Six feet or taller. Maintains himself healthily. Has his shit together. Muscular would be great!!! A firefighter would be a huge bonus!!! They care about more than themselves, she reckoned. Not necessarily a brute of a man but not too polished either. Room for improvement in her eyes.
This night at dungeon looked to be about the same as any other. The same players, with the same toys and the same cliques. Even though the doors were closed by 9 and only those who made arrangements prior could get in after that, she couldnt help but notice it was just another boring night at around 10pm.
At 10:15 pm two of the administrators went to stand by the door. Unusual, but barely noticed by her. There was a rope suspension in full swing and she was always fascinated by the taut rope and the limp submissive.
He walked in all 6'4", tan, dark haired, leather clad with full beard and deep quiet voice. The kind of voice that you had to purposely listen to to hear sufficiently. He was in town for the week doing some work inspecting the local bridges for his engineering firm. He never sat still long. He had a desire for wild and untamed. He had seen his fair share of submissives, well, way more than a few. But none ever stayed. Which, he smiled his wry little smile, served him just fine.
She saw him take a seat across from her. She could barely believe what she was looking at. She deliberately shifted uncomfortably in her chair. He saw her, no, she felt he looked right through her! His gaze was determined and purposeful as he appraised her. She wanted to look away, if nothing but out of respect, and she feared she was blushing horribly. Thank goodness for dim lights while a scene was going on. She willed herself to move and headed to the restroom. As suspected most of the single submissives and not a few taken submissives were chattering about the appearance of the new stranger.
"I would show that man just how service looks with my ass in the air!" One of the submissives was saying while catcalls and laughter was heard from those around her.
She slid into the stall and noticed her hands were shaking. She wasn't in the restroom to do any business, she needed to calm herself. And she couldnt help but notice her panties were wet!!! "Well damn it if that isnt a sign!" She thought to herself. She took a few moments, breathed, wiped up and headed to the mirror. She wore a revealing neckline dress that had a very short skirt attached. Knee high stockings and killer heels!!! She was certain he was looking at her, would he try to talk with her? The thought made her heart race! Quiet now, calm, composed, where is your mature demeanor, she thought?
She stepped out of the door to find many of the submissives gathered around him, her heart sunk. She would never get the chance to see if he was interested now! She was certain that this spark in her belly spoke of a connection that would finally put her at peace.
He was bored. These prattling submissives were going on and on about how they had done this and that in their BDSM journey. He wasn't truly interested. He was civil, polite and not cruel, but he wanted to escape. When he saw her finally come out of the restroom he knew he could excuse himself. He was certain she felt his gaze. She was just his type. Brazen enough to wear what he considered slutty clothing and demure enough to overlook his wanton lust. He had no desire to care for her, but he certainly wanted to take care of that skirt! He had found long ago his height and build was intimidating. It served him to get out of some pretty tough spots. And to get into many women's pants. He liked to be rough. Kinky the BDSMers called it. Sure he would spank you, tie you up and use you. He lived for that. But he was gone the next day. And if not then the next day, or the following maybe. Never more than a few months. He would get too bored.
She was certain he looked at her over the crowd. He was a very tall cool drink of water for sure! Oh to be held safely in his arms! She daydreamed of structure and pleasure, peace and laughter as she served him at his side. She wondered what he did for a living? She didn't care at the moment. She was pleased to just feel his gaze on her. She purposely lowered her gaze. She knew that would get him.
He saw her lower her gaze. Gotcha!!!!! He thought. This will be fun for the next week! He excused himself from the ladies around him and headed towards her.
She was lost in his arms. Thinking of how he would feel so safe. He was coming over! She knew it! There was that special chemistry and he had felt it too! She readied herself for the vetting, for questions and made herself breathe.
"How silly that I have to focus on breathing!?!"
"How are you doing this evening ma'am? My name is Jake. Do you mind if I sit here and talk with you?"
"Not at all sir, pleased to meet you I am well. And you can call me Sarah"
They both chatted the remaining hours away, oblivious of the time and everyone else.
Sarah was certain she had found her ever after and would do anything for this man.
Jake was cool, calm and collected. He told the truth about him being in the area for a week, best not to lead anyone on he thought.
It made his intentions clear to Sarah and she was certain they could continue a relationship long distance without a problem. She just knew he would protect her and wanted the same thing!
Jake said all the right things. He didn't mind exploring a relationship, even if it was long distance. It wouldn't be his first. It won't be his last.
A month later Sarah was back at dungeon. Lost. Hurt. Forlorn. She wasn't sure why she kept coming back. Why continue this lifestyle? It has brought her so much pain and misery and she can't endure much more.
Jake had fun. He never enjoyed it when women cried, but he was indifferent to it anymore. This week he was in Tulsa, and he meant to make the best of it.
Sadly....tragically.....this made up scenario actually plays out in some form or another in today's BDSM community.
Often we cry and scream about the predator dominant, and the predator submissive for that matter, all the while failing to realize that there are unhealthy choices on both sides that created this chaos.
Sarah wanted what she wanted. To the point of codependency. She believed it was found in a tall, dark man that by appearances would keep her safe. Sarah doesn't quite see that just because a person looks the part doesn't at all mean they're capable. And let's get honest......MOST women want tall, dark and handsome....why???? Because women have this biological sense dating back thousands of years of the capable hunter/gatherer. Today, while women still want a man to be capable very few would say they want a man to take care of them with any real honesty in a physical way. What most women are looking for is a partner that can protect their heart. That can see them, accept them, receive them. In their mess, in their emotions, in their bad and good days. They just want someone emotionally stable and sound enough to hold space for them as they navigate their own growth.
This is what Sarah was truly looking for. She just didn't know it. She couldn't see it. She wasn't that self-aware yet.
Many submissives today are quite the same. On a search for a dominant that is capable of holding space for them and their emotions, whatever that looks like on a given day, and seeing the beauty that is them all the same. Brats, littles, middles, all are born within this community with this desperate need. Because they want to be seen and heard. A space for them when the world has been so cruel to their sensitive emotions.
Sarah was guilty of believing that looks, a presence, would bring her that peace she so desperately wanted. She's not at all wrong to want that peace, she's simply looking for it in an unhealthy space. When she is capable of seeing her own self, understanding her own need and desire for her heart to be met and safe, she will also understand that has zero to do with what a person says or looks like or even necessarily the "feeling" she gets from someone. Being kept safe in your heart begins with feeling safe to be yourself, authentic with zero hiding. Transparency in the extreme. This ONLY comes after you actually learn a person. Know them. Not just "feel" like you can trust them, but they prove to you time and time again by their actions matching their words. Your trust grows.
Sarah lacked healthy boundaries for her own heart. She was willing to give it away. And then cried that it was used. Of course it was. She was wrong to lay it out there for just anyone, let alone someone she absolutely did not know, to be used. She trusted you say? In what? In who? Certainly not in Jake, she couldn't, not honestly, she had no trust to give him. He hadn't earned any. She wanted what she wanted and she made a choice selfishly to pursue it regardless of what it would cost her personally. Sarah had walked down this road repeatedly. The same type of scenario played itself out over and over again. She was attracting to her what she wanted. And she found it. Her lack of boundaries and self-love created a cycle of opportunity for her to learn the lesson that she DESPERATELY NEEDED boundaries and self-love.
Sadly, Sarah was preyed upon by Jake. There are too many Jake's out there willing to use another for their own selfish gain if only for brief moments. This is a total hiding mechanism. And yes, it can be narcissistic and is definitely abusive.
What BOTH Sarah and Jake suffer from is a lack of being able to see what they truly need to make them happy. They have mechanisms they have learned through many traumatic experiences that create their responses to "protecting" themselves and what they feel they "need" to make them happy.
How do I know this? Because I have both witnessed it in myself and discovered it with past partners and others who resonate and agree that these mechanisms exist.
Jake learned from an early age not to be emotionally available. “Be a man!” His father would scream. “No crying now, buck up!” When it came to women all he saw was something to satisfy his need for a distraction. A distraction from his own self. If he were honest he would realize that he’s been running his whole life from his emotional neglect of his own feelings. Sure. He’s what society calls a ‘Man’s Man’, all the while in his manhood he abuses others and never finds peace or fulfilment. If he had, the cycle would stop. As it is it continues, perpetuated on and on for him to learn a simple lesson.....be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to feel. It makes you not weaker, but stronger to accept that you can feel and something or someone matters more than just you. Jake, from a very young age discovered to bury his emotions. To not allow anyone close. This manifested itself in all sorts of unhealthy ways. The one reflected in this writing is just an example of one mechanism Jake uses to hide from his own heart and emotions.
When we are quiet. When we are honest with ourselves we begin to see the person in the mirror has cracks, flaws, imperfections. We either cover them up, hiding from them, or we face them and learn how to heal. We will have scars, most definetely. But we will also then have stories of times when those wounds were so deep we almost lost ourselves.
In BDSM we are very familiar with pain. It is the single greatest catalyst in life, not just in BDSM for healing. We learn to shun pain. To push away from it, when honestly it’s the healthiest thing we can feel to grow.
Both Jake and Sarah didn’t want their respective pains. But they were doomed to repeat them so long as they didn’t address the core of why they continued to suffer. Please don’t hear that what was done to them played no part, I am certainly not at all advocating that reality. The truth is though, in EVERY circumstance in our lives there is always something to grow and learn from. Least of not which is the parts we play in our own lives. In the deepest of pains and misery there are lessons and silver linings. This is what pain does. It creates a space for us to choose to learn, or repeat. We get the opportunity to let go or we cling determined to a set of standards for ourselves that truly do not serve us.
We can often act like the petulant little child. Willful. Stubborn. Doesn’t want to go to bed. Refuses!! They get disciplined and they still are obstinant. Now only screaming in their room. Exhausted, but wanting what they want.
Why?
Because they get it in their heads that their way makes the most sense and should be allowed.
As adults, we just have learned to be craftier about it. We hide from ourselves the fact that we should be doing something different. We aren’t listening to what our hearts want and need. We don’t listen to our bodies and the way they react to some people around us. We know instinctively that we are getting ourselves into trouble with certain people in our sphere intimately but we choose to ignore our own intuition and listen to a mechanism that says, “this time it’s bound to be different!”
The moral of the story is NOT who was wrong or right in the scenario written. It is NOT about who should have done this or that. Or how awful this choice was or wasn’t. Those things are all NOT at the root of the reason why either one of them found themselves at the dungeon that night. They were at the dungeon to satisfy a piece of themselves that only could come from themself. Peace, contentment, happiness are all owned by us individually. No one can impart them to us. No one can create them. Others can help, others can encourage, others can support. Provided there is something there to begin with to support, encourage and help you with. But if you are looking externally for validation, or acceptance you’re always going to be woefully disappointed. Because others cannot possibly see what you need to feel at peace. They can go so far in supporting. But the root of it all lies within you. Self-love, self-awareness, self-control and boundaries for their own health and wellbeing were all absent in the exchange. From BOTH of them, not just one. In that space, it is impossible to create a connection with any meaningful health.
Sarah and Jake were broken inside. Each with their own unhealthy mechanisms. Each desperately needing to heal themselves before they continue to damage others in their relationships. They could meld together all they wanted, but the mechanisms that keep them hiding in their fears of pain would always keep them at arms length with any and everyone that tried to get close. Especially those who attempt to get truly personal and intimate.
Predators are real. No doubt about it.
Understanding the mechanisms that motivate and work an unhealthy person into being a predator may just help those who are venturing into the arena looking for a relationship.
ANYONE, dominant or submissive that wants another to “complete”, “fulfil”, “satisfy” them is a predator, IF there is no consent or agreed upon reciprocity balance or power exchange.
I hope this finds you in peace and hopefulness,
Namaste~
Drago and Amethyst
