We live in a society of doing.
What do I mean by that? We value others by what they offer society. A philanthropist is seen more productive than say someone that works at a fast food restaurant.
Look at social media......the highlight reel of others lives is a huge appeal and draw.
Consider the "what's in it for me" mentality of dating or transactional relationships in general.
Everything nowadays appears to be geared towards what one has to offer in action.
Think about employers. You have a set of skills and they hire you to use your skills for them.
It did not used to be this way.
Even employers used to invest in their employees. It is rare to see those who would work for the same employer their whole life today. But employers used to value more than what their employee could do......they valued who they were as people. Their relationship was not solely transactional, it was also personal.
When you are someone that values who an individual is. As they are today, the person NOT what they have to offer you. It is a challenge to find those who would see you the same. There are FAR too many willing to get your approval, or acceptance of them in a clamor to feel better about themselves but give no thought to actually seeing you. Caring about you. Validating you. Getting to know you.
We live in a society bent on what they have to gain. What they can get for the least amount of effort. Focused on how they can prosper, sadly, at the expense of those around them.
In this environment how can someone have "friends"? It is often this tit-for-tat balance that must be maintained. Never is there tolerance, grace, compassion, mercy, understanding, genuine care of a person over what you have to gain from them.
We put this pressure on ourselves to "perform". To be all the things to all those around us. And we are exhausted! When you find someone who has gotten fed up with the whole rigamarole we may label them as anti-social.
Part of the ideal and beauty of an Authority Exchange is the willingness of the one in authority to accept the other. To see them in all their imperfections and only see areas to grow in. While no one would ever express that a relationship on any level does not have exchange within it......that exchange is EARNED. It is not simply given to anyone just because they ask or feel they deserve.
If we all were truly capable of being honest with ourselves we would all agree we desire to be loved and appreciated for who we are. Wholly separate from what we do. Value is simply intrinsic because we exist. We all have something unique that only we can offer the world......ourselves. We would all agree, I believe, that we would desire to be viewed and treated thusly.
But that is not society. Society tries to make it transactional. What you give to me I give to you.
Which is not ever honest to begin with. If I give others grace and understanding usually they take more and more. They do not give it in return. There is no equal measurement where we receive back that which we give out. Honesty says even if another person gave in their capacity there is nothing saying I would see it as equal, or the same.
Rather than believing we get what we need on all levels when we stay within our integrity, we "force" others into meeting us where we are (which is quite implausible) thereby setting up this transactional dynamic.
We "strive" for this ideal of being all to everyone and will always fall short.
Isn't it enough just to be you?
And yes, I hear you,
"I have tried that. No one likes me when I am just my authentic self."
What I hear you expressing is the wrong people do not like you. Because let's be clear, there are WAY more people out there willing to use you for what you can do for them. The value of who you are to them is in what you do. How you show up and make them feel even. It is ever about them. How they are met. They care very little with how you feel. Whether you too are received approved, validated, accepted.
It may be a very lonely road to be that person that seeks to receive others how they are. Including when they are just selfish and desire what they want from you. Because you will not have very many "friends". You will try desperately to connect with others while they will not care to connect with you. Being a caring person takes effort even if it is from your character. Effort in the form of patience, grace, compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, kindness, understanding. Because let's face it......we ALL have our own challenges and traumas to face. Caring for another person means seeing those imperfections as something beautiful. A history of a life lived. Stories of a past that was not perfect.
Too many today do not want to admit to themselves their own value as a human unless they can offer their body, or submission, or time, or skills, or anything else that stops others from looking too far into their lives and seeing they do not have it all together as much as they seem. No wonder others cannot accept someone that just wants to authentically connect with them and NOT the image of who someone may project themselves to be.
And yes, again, that space is earned. You do not simply hand that over to just anyone. You must learn for yourself how much you are able to trust another individual will actually not run away or point and laugh when they see the real you.
For ME, this comes down to how much we can actually love ourselves. If our value in our own eyes is about what we can do and not in who we are as a person, we will transfer that same lens to others. It will be about what we can do for them and what they can do for us. Our value becomes a measurement. Something that can be bought or sold at a cost.
Is our value really that low that it can be quantified?
Are we truly selling ourselves so short that we would cross our own boundaries to have something rather than live in integrity with peace?
Do we value ourselves enough to not allow others to determine our own worth for us?
Can we truly see our hearts are not something to be traded and bartered with in a transactional way?
Our worth is more than what other people say they need from us.
We owe it to ourselves to be who we are.......whether that is lonely because others do not have the courage to accept themselves in a similar fashion. Or whether they would ever allow you to be you because it stands against their idea of who you should be. It does not matter.....this is YOUR life.....what brings you the most peace?
Pretending to be okay if you are not?
Or expressing you are not okay when you are not?
One of them is authentically you.
The world needs you......just you. No pretense. No highlight reel. No fake it till you make it. No amount of doing to try to measure up to a bar that is not attainable.
Just you.
Thank you for existing. For breathing, being, struggling, crying, fighting, laughing, being silly, stubborn, scared, imperfectly perfectly YOU.
I hope you find the clarity you seek today.
Namaste
Dtago and Amethyst
