I have been exceedingly poor at attempting to 'fix' circumstances that arise with those in my sphere/care.
I have been guilty of just trying to 'manage the chaos' others would bring my way. As a man I am a problem solver. I think a lot of men are good at finding solutions.
The thing is, a woman is not something that needs to be 'fixed'. Or a problem that needs to be solved.
A lot of men can feel (me included in the past) that when a woman brings their emotions to them the men just want it to go away. A lot of men have not had the opportunity to be taught how to feel their own feelings around things and when a woman comes along with her deep feelings men treat women how they treat their own emotions. Something to compartmentalize and navigate quietly.
I have gotten the opportunity to discover that most women just want you to listen. Funny how we hear that all the time yet never seem to be able to grasp it as a reality!
Amethyst taught me a valuable lesson early on in our dynamic here. She would express plainly,
"I am not looking for a solution, what I need from you is to hear me and sympathize with what I am feeling."
Now, I do not know about all men, but I do know that most of the men I communicate with want desperately to give to their partner. A lot of men want nothing more than to be able to meet the needs of their partner. How cool is it when a woman can express plainly what they need in a given moment!?!?!? I mean, I know exactly what is expected of me and can provide what is needed. A win for both of us.
I think men often, the problem solvers they are, are talked with by their female partners and because the woman is coming to them and not one of their girlfriends the conclusion that is made is a solution is being sought. After all, that's what men are good at. It may be the wrong conclusion, sure, but it's not a malicious one. They are simply standing in the roll they know they can fill.
It does little to assuage the consternation of the female that just wants to be heard however.
As I have gotten to learn how to hold a space for others better, I have discovered that often the kindest thing that can be done or said is nothing.
Often, the greatest thing sought is just your presence.
A woman, in particular, wants to know you can stay firm, grounded, secure and confident in your role to care for them as their emotions crash over them. They do not need 'saving'. They can navigate the struggle all on their own. Indeed, no one can navigate it for another. That's not to say that it is not exceedingly helpful to have someone next to you cheering you on, or lovingly supporting you. But that is vastly different than someone coming in to save you from the wrestle you are navigating, which in most cases is quite impossible all the same. We cannot walk in the same shoes of another.
Example:
Amethyst has wrestled with feeling dumb. She has a very linear way if thinking. It is simple. Elegant. Straightforward. She sees things in a straight line.
Enter me......I am anything but that in my thinking. I am quite abstract. It has caused her to feel less than. Her Ego would take a hit because she would beat herself up for not seeing things as I did. She would feel bad for not considering a specific lens that I saw. Like, how awful of a person is she that it never even crossed her mind to see things in the way in which I do?
She stumbled across this very early in our connection.
I encouraged her that I am grateful she sees things as she does. That her simplicity is very much needed, valued and important. And while I cannot 'fix' how she feels about anything (because there are NO feelings that indicate you are somehow broken or damaged) I can stand next to her and encourage her to see her uniqueness as beautiful. I can remind her of her importance to ME. I did not want to save her from the discomfort of her ego being bruised. In fact, I wanted it for her! Because it serves her to open her heart to see another lens and not feel threatened by that lens. There were a LOT of wounds here that had way more to do with her voice than even she knew at the time. And as she has waded through the emotional turmoil within her I just got the opportunity to stand my ground. To show her I have not left. I am still here. I did not need to 'fix' anything. Or provide a solution. My actions were going to speak louder than any words I could ever say.
Could I have told her the black and white facts of the matter? SURE! In what way would that have helped her love herself? Because we do NOT need to understand a thing to accept a thing. Understanding may come later......maybe. Sure. AFTER we accept it exists and there is something there to administer care and grace towards. If all I did was administer the facts of a thing to her or anyone, I would be trying to bring logic to something that is felt. Feelings are not generally logical.
The greatest thing anyone can do for us often is to stay silent. To allow us to navigate our journey as we must. To come to the conclusions and clarity in our timing in our own way. Generally, that will NEVER look how we anticipate or how WE would see things.
Can we be ok with that?
Can we still care for the person regardless of where they land with it?
You see, Amethyst wrestled for a LONG time with this feeling of less than, or dumb. She still has moments. What she did come to see however all on her own is that she's safe to say, "Can you express that in a different way? I don't quite understand what you are trying to say." Or, "Can you tell me what this word means? I don't know that word." She learned she is safe to ask for clarity. That it does not make her less than to do so, in fact, it shows her humility and willingness to accept she desires to understand and her ego getting in the way of that does not serve her.
How did she discover this? By seeing me standing next to her and just loving her. Reminding her that she is safe, that she does not need to understand it all. By showing her I too do not always understand. That something's are way above my head as well. To encourage her to see it is ok to be human and ask about what we do not know. It does not ever make us less than. There are no stupid questions when we desire just to learn.
This happened because I shut up. I did not try to teach her how to see things as I did. Or understand things how I see them. I did not try to come in and 'fix' her lens. I am not interested in her seeing things as I do! I value her way of seeing things, I do not ever wish to take that from her or anyone! We ALL have a varied and unique lens that is so very vital and necessary for us all to learn how to see things in a diverse and new way.
She did not land on seeing things as I do. She never will. She will not somehow come to believe as I do and therefore connect the dots as I do that make sense to ME.
And you know what??
That is beautiful!!!!!!
I am not threatened by anyone seeing something different than I do!!
In fact I welcome it!!!!
Especially with those whom I am closest to. They give me food for thought. Inspiration. Or a different way that I get to consider a thing when maybe I simply have been seeing it incorrectly or not fully. I trust their lens and know it's not born of a fear, mechanism, ego, or an attempt to 'fix' how I see things. They treat me just as I treat them, with the grace to come to my own conclusions and they validate ME, regardless of what I see with my lens. Because while we may disagree on what we see, we are not at odds with one another as a person. We value one another's journey and humanity as something that is the individuals and is not intended to be a weapon to harm others. We believe in the heart of one another. We know that we are capable of standing on our own two feet and discovering for ourselves how to be the best version of ourselves. And we appreciate greatly the other that is there to remind us and encourage us with grace rather than cruelty, fixing, belittling, anger, frustration, judgement.
After all, we are all human. Fallible. Imperfect. None more than another. Equal and necessary parts to one another's journey.
Especially when we can learn to allow another to simply be who they are without the compulsion to 'fix' or 'correct' another person's lens to seeing things the way we see them.
I hope you find your focus and clarity today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
