Emotional Domination

There are 4 main types (and each of them bleed into one another on varying levels) of domination:

Physical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual

Which one do you prefer to practice and why?

I believe one of the many fallacies that can pervade BDSM is the idea that dominants are this immovable, unwavering, stalwart object that should ‘take’ everything that is sent their way from a submissive. I am not talking about what is negotiated and therefore agreed and allowed between individuals within a dynamic. Rather, those things that often are overlooked, indeed, ignored even within the context of a burgeoning dynamic.

The dominants hard limits.

Contrary to many others beliefs, a dominant indeed SHOULD have their own set of hard limits that they follow. More dynamics have faltered and run aground when in a relationship's early stages the submissive finds resistance, reticence, or downright refusal on the dominants part to accept a given behavior, belief, ideal, mental attitude et cetera. These moments are often realized abruptly and quite violently between individuals within the dynamic because there was this belief that dominants should have no hard limits. Or their limits are the same as their partner(s). Or, a dominant can handle anything thrown their way no need to worry about hard limits. Within their negotiations, there was no mention of whether the dominant had hard limits.

I am not talking about kink limits, or sexual limits (though I certainly hope those are discussed as well!). I am talking about personal limits. Values. Ideals. Beliefs. Needs. Desires. Dreams. Goals. Outside of the bedroom as an individual. As a person.

Example:

I have a personal limit where I choose not to accept bratting out from the submissive in my care.

Allow me to make it crystal clear; I find NO issue whatsoever with anyone who loves brats or identifies as a brat. Seeks a brat or wants to be a brat. I have friendships with those who are brats and those who love brats. I admire and love watching their respective dynamics. To see others enjoying BDSM and the care and love they have for one another played out in front of you is a wonder to behold! The diversity, the way it works for others in their dynamic, especially when it is so vastly different than your own, is amazing. I often learn the most from those that do things so uniquely different from myself.

The reasons I have a hard limit around bratting are not valuable to this writing. They are for ME. Whether you or anyone else agrees with my limits are not important. What is important is that I KNOW I have a limit here for myself and the why.

I look at limits as boundaries. What we will or will not accept. What we are flexible on (soft limits) and what we refuse to budge on.

It should go without saying (though I am writing about it because it exists) that a dominant is allowed to refuse or not allow anything within their life they so choose. No different than a submissive.

We as a community are quick to tell a submissive where a dominant has crossed their hard limits to, 'run for the hills'. The same is just as valid for a dominant where a submissive steps across a hard limit.

We are ALL allowed to stand up for ourselves and protect what we feel is necessary.

But this is where good negotiation, exemplary communication skills need to take place on the dominants part.

So many dominants are afraid to express what they will and will not accept. Because it limits their pool of available submissives? Yes. Because dominants often want to appear as if nothing would ever bother them? Yes. The truth is, however, that trying to force something to work and fit that is not intended will only create frustration and difficulty where it is not necessary. Be transparent and honest about what you want. What you seek and why. It may narrow your pool, that can be honest. When you do find what resonates, it is well worth the wait.

Hard Limits

Dominants, will you accept or approve any of the following?

A submissive that lashes out at you in their anger?

A submissive that treats you poorly, apologizes, then treats you poorly (this cycle repeats often)?

A submissive who says they are going to give you their all and makes excuses as to why they will not?

A submissive that sends you a 10-year-old photo of themselves? A not current photo.

A submissive whose attention is divided elsewhere (everything is about them)?

A submissive that wants children but, you do not?

A submissive that will not communicate with you openly?

A submissive that will not be transparent with you?

A submissive that would talk bad about you behind your back?

A submissive that believes lies are ok if they are small?

A submissive that expects you to change religions for them?

A submissive that wants you to pamper them and cherish them but will not reciprocate such care?

A submissive that demands you to navigate around their fears and will not allow you to help them be rid of such fears?

A submissive that believes you are there for them when they need you to be but does not believe the same applies to them?

A submissive who will not own their insecurities? Rather, they place the blame solely on you for ‘making them feel scared’.

A submissive who does not value trust as you do?

A submissive who believes communication is too scary?

A submissive who seeks outside validation for their worth?

Many, if not all, can be situational. What one person allows and tolerates is uniquely their personal choice and is not subject to judgment.

That notwithstanding, if as a dominant you answered within yourself that you would not accept any one of the above then you have a hard limit there. Those things we define as limits deserve a voice. It is NOT cruel to express those things that are not ok with you. It is you expressing what you are able and willing to tolerate and that which does not align with your core values as a person.

I have been too guilty of sacrificing my limits for the sake of having ‘something’ rather than ‘nothing’. Believing that I could make it work because 25% of what we wanted was the same. The other 75% was insurmountable. I have discovered the things that matter the most are the core foundational things. The values. Those intrinsic pieces of what motivates us as individuals. That which is well outside of our kinks or the bedroom.

Meaning, I ask core questions that serve to show me if we align.

What is your definition of honesty? Is it the same or similar to mine?

Do you see transparency as a vital part of your being? Meaning, it is who you choose to be. Not something you say but can not follow through on as a part of your being.

How valuable is trusting to you? How do you earn trust? How do you keep trust? How do you show yourself as trustworthy?

What do you feel is the single most valuable trait to have within a relationship?

Are you able to communicate effectively and in a non-violent (triggered) way?

Are you emotionally available? Do you understand and take ownership of your own emotions?

Are you self-aware? How do you define self-awareness?

What do you value and esteem about yourself?

Asking these questions, for ME, has helped me stand up for my hard limits. Because the answers to these questions, however they are answered, show me whether the individual I am talking with will honor and align with what I hold as valuable in a relationship. When these are similar in value between partners the foundations upon which the dynamic is built can withstand just about anything.

Our kinks may change. We may decide we enjoy different things as the years' progress. We may discover what we once held as important in the bedroom shifts and we as a team navigate that change. We can traverse those shifts because the core of why we like our partner never changes. We are aligned with our partner on a value level that supersedes the wants and desires that often grow as we do.

That begins with setting hard limits. What we will and will not accept for ourselves bring us the depth of connection we seek. There is no right or wrong here. There is no judgment of others around why we like this or seek that. There is only what moves us, what we find valuable. What we NEED to have to have our needs met within a relationship. BDSM especially, since this lifestyle for many is about a connective, devoted, loving, passionate existence with our partner(s). How we feel about how that is shown begins with hard limits for ourselves that state how we want to be received.

I dare say, a dominant without hard limits has little self-worth and struggles to value or know themselves with their needs.

I hope today you discover all that is intended for you.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Drago, my good an dear friend, I'm starting to think you have hacked my brain! 🤣 This makes FOUR times that you and your purple gem have brought up something I was writing about...this one being a Dom's limits.

What I'm working on is a list of misconceptions surrounding (you guessed it), Brats. There are 17 beliefs that I'm addressing (which is why it's taking me MONTHS to finish it). ONE of those beliefs is that Brats love to break the rules. Just the other day, I was working on this section and within it, I give an example of a practical limit. I will share that with you (because I feel it's important for the discussion). This is the rough draft so the wording MAY eventually change.

"Brats most certainly will BEND the rules, looking for every loophole and crevice that you had overlooked, but NOT in an effort to cause genuine anger in their Doms. This is why negotiations may seem to take FOOOOREVER with a Brat. We want to make sure that we know the importance of every rule before WE sign on the dotted line. We don't want to HARM our Doms by tripping over a trigger of YOUR'S accidently. If a rule IS broken, it will be a rule we KNOW is one that will not be a hard limit. What might a hard rule look like?

A Dom may have the rule of "never enter the bathroom while he is using it, unless asked.". It's a rule that on the surface may seem silly and confusing until you learn the reason. He spent his whole life in the military. He was a career soldier, living in a war zone, never having any bathroom privacy. Think of all the things you have done in the bathroom that you were GLAD no one saw or heard. He was forced to share those experiences, with other men, for YEARS. That is a rule a Brat would NEVER break, IF she knows about the reason."

That example was one *I* had to deal with. It was a hard limit for MY Dom. That was HIS life. Myself, I love showering with my Dom, but I couldn't with him, for a very valid and understandable reason. But providing grooming care for my Dom is an important of my submission so we found a middle ground that honored us both.

I provided Shaving service. I ADORE giving a man a shave, so much so that I really want to learn how to use a straight razon and strobe. Being able to care for my Dom's grooming needs in that way....I may have been standing, physically, but inside I was on my knees. He felt pampered, adored, and appreciated. *I* felt trusted and empowered. I felt needed. I was caring for MY property. MY territory. MY protector. This was the face I wanted to glorify. It ALSO allowed him to rest. I would wrap his face in a hot towel and massage his scalp while he relaxed. Was it kinky? Only if I was naked while doing it. 😁

Now, you know me. You KNOW I wasn't going to be able to let you mention the B-word without me addressing it. 🤣😁

I also know YOU (but others may not know you as well) so I'll address it openly. Firstly, THANK YOU. Thank you for validating a kink that is counter to your own limits. Surprised?? 😊 Good. Why am I not chewing you out? Because of how you framed it.

You recognised that that YOU have a limit for YOUR dynamic, HOWEVER, that doesn't mean that such dynamics were not beautiful themself. You appreciate the uniqueness that can be found and that you find benefit in them. You said you learn from kinks that are not your own. You were not dismissive of Brats for simply existing! Too many people do.

If I were to make a suggestion for the future, it would be to be a little more specific on your definition of "bratting out from the submissive in my care" is. Later on, you posed core questions, such as "What is your definition of honesty?". So, one question a Dom should as themselves is, "What does bratting out mean to you?".

Evie Lupine released a video a week ago and the last thing she said was a long the lines of, "We define labels, labels do not define us.". I felt it was THE MOST important thing she said in that 39 minute video because EVERYONE has a different definition. How.many times have YOU said that, about making sure we are using the same dictionary?

Drago, you are a beautiful person and I am deeply honored to know you and to watch you expand. Welcome to the world, my turtleish friend. Thank you. You are appreciated.

1 year ago

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - "We want to make sure that we know the importance of every rule before WE sign on the dotted line."

I understand this in principle. The desire to know WHY. Especially, as you mentioned in context IF that rule revolves around a trigger.

HOWEVER,
I will point to this idea as an honesty as well.............Do you need to UNDERSTAND or KNOW the importance (reason) of a rule to just respect it?
I am ALL for knowing yourself enough to enunciate the reasons for a given rule.....absolutely. I mean, let's be honest, a rhyme to the reason is desired. But what if there is no understanding it? What if, it's there simply because it is?
Or
What if, in discussing the reason for a rule, that discussion alone presses on the trigger? Then what? Can it not be enough that the rule is put in place and it is desired that it is followed? What is so wrong with following with your heart instead of your head? I mean, I would much rather you respect my wishes and THEN I may explain myself. Like, good, you have followed and that shows me the character of your heart and that allows me to trust you with my reasoning.
Does this apply to every instance? I would say on the whole no. Balance is a good thing here as well right?

On the whole, my thought process around why someone would seek to UNDERSTAND a reason for a boundary is often related to how that same person feels they owe an explanation to another for their boundaries. We owe no one such an explanation. I do not need to UNDERSTAND why you have your fence up in your yard and why you will not let this certain type of individual into your yard (even if that is me) to respect that's your limit. Your boundary. My understanding is not a prerequisite of simply accepting you have the right for ANY reason to say, "nope, you are not allowed." My desire to understand is actually an attempt to negate your soveriegn right to have your boundary (fence). If I care for you as a human, I just accept it. MAYBE, in my acceptance you may find later that you would like to express to me the reason......MAYBE. If you do, cool. If not, cool as well! Because I respect you and your boundary regardless. My desire to understand may be seen as a pressure or a people-pleasing mechanism to encourage another to express to me. If the desire is an honest just trying to understand for knowledges sake that is one thing, but let's be honest, most people want to 'understand' to dismiss it. Or to make light of it. Or to poke holes in the reasoning of it. And NO ONE gets to decide for anyone else where their boundaries should lie and why. We do not walk their shoes. We do not have their concerns for the same reasons.
I would MUCH rather respect a person up front and show myself as someone that encourages autonomy and personal space than to try to invade someone's back yard.
Case in point, most dungeons have a general rule, "do not touch ANYTHING, or ANYONE unless invited to do so." You do not know what another person's boundary is. And, it does NOT have to be public knowledge. It is enough that all are requested to not touch unless given permission.
I do not need to understand why I can not rob the bank to simply accept I can not. My understanding is unnecessary to the boundary. Desired? SURE! But desire does not equal permission or admittance.
In this sense, the dictionary does not even matter then. Because while we may label something off limits that another simply does not understand, the definition of that boundary becomes irrelevant.
I know people who LOVE brats (at least in the definition or sense that I do not always appreciate fully personally). My understanding of why they do is irrelevant. A waste of my time and energy to seek. It is enough that they do and I do not. Their understanding of why I have a boundary is irrelevant. It is enough that I have one and we get to respect one another deeply. I am GREAT friends with a host of different styles of living that I would neither find beneficial or even enjoyable personally. And............so what??????? Who cares????? I get to respect them, their life, their uniqueness and diffence WITHOUT the need to understand it in ANY way.
Yes, after a time with someone that I have spent a fair amount of depth with it is nice to converse about such things from a calm and quiet place. BUT, that is ONLY made possible because we BOTH have shown ourselves to respect one another REGARDLESS of whether our dictionaries, ideals, likes match or not. We can converse respectfully because we have ALWAYS shown respect for the other. It is one of the MAIN reasons we even feel safe with one another to have the conversation to begin with. NOT because we are CERTAIN we understand, but because we respect them as a person FIRSTLY and that opens the door for understanding.

When it comes to questions about certain behaviors (like bratting) of course that should be defined and honestly, openly discussed. Interestingly though, my experience has taught me we invariably discover something we miss in the conversation even if it is had in great depth. At some point something is done, said, or navigated that presses on our trauma (dislike or otherwise) and we get to have further conversation.

1 year ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - With my former Dom, the revelation of his boundary did NOT come before sex entered the picture. Actually, it was about two months into the relationship and while he was having quadruple bypass surgery. I had been staying in the hospital with him and asked him if he wanted my help. It was THEN, after trust had formed to the point that while we were still learning the deeper details about each other we respected each other, that he revealed the deeper meaning.

As children, Brats typically were denied even the basics of life. Privileged were denied under the "because I said so" rule. It left us confused and off balance AS CHILDREN.

In your example of the dungeon rule, "No touching without permission". The answer isn't "because we said so" but "because you don't someone's boundaries and/or limits". "Oh, ok. Thank you for explaining it to me.". There is no NEED for us to know the boundaries for EVERYONE, but understanding, learning, asking questions is how we grow.

On my profile I have a limit of "no electro-play" due to health reasons. Simple explination. The deeper reason is because I live with a cavernous angioma!a badly formed cluster of blood vessels) that when they leak, cause seizures. Adding electricity may trigger a seizure which could cause that angioma to burst. I would die at that moment. Did I NEED to go in depth? No. But now, with the added information, the importance is magnified. What if somebody wanted to simply goof around and outside of a scene, zapped me? It's not electro-PLAY in the sexual sense so they may not even connect electricity and my brain and my boundaries. What if it was a device that was marketed as a toy? "It's just a toy. What's the harm?"

Brats SHOULD know themselves enough to know that their sense of play involves dancing around boundaries. We only want to still the "grr" in a Dom a little, not release the full on monster and THAT means asking "why". Unless there are other factors within the Brat (such as their own particular attachment style or sub-kinks), it is IMPERATIVE that explanations be given in order to play safely. Can *I* be given a rule without explination and follow it? No. Not within a dynamic and most Brats that I know can't either. The PTSD numbs us to social cues (just like in Military Veterans, which I address in the chapter I'm working on). Do we like that side affect? HELL NO!

1 year ago

Curiousmind(sub female){Owned} - I enjoyed reading this blog. And it’s one of the first things we have discussed in my dynamic

1 year ago

Sasa(dom female) - Wonderful read and important. Thank you

1 year ago

Vacquero one(dom male) - Good fences build good neighbors.
White picket or barbed wire.

1 year ago

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DaddyDrago{LilAmethys}

Emotional Domination

A Dominants Hard Limits