I have been a very strict dominant. Structure. Rules. Cohesive consistent continued stable form and function. This I have needed. Yes, my partners agreed and negotiated such in the past as well, but, it was born of what I believed was necessary and needed for me. What I discovered for myself was this was a way for me to feel safe. It became a shelter of sorts. A way to hide. If I was in control to this degree nothing could go wrong. Right? I could structure everything to death and everything would be just so. My life would go as I planned. As I needed it to. So.......fast forward to humans being human......yeah. Nothing ever goes as planned. No one can control another humans fears. When a submissive is scared why did I feel like, “Well, follow your structure. I am here!! Hello???” Because it was difficult for me to allow myself to feel as if I didn’t have control. I didn’t have the answers. I was trying to ‘fix’ everything by structuring it to death. Instead of accepting I can’t control everything. In fact, I’m not supposed to. As a dominant that was a very hard truth to accept. I can’t make someone not be afraid. They’re allowed. When I looked deep within myself, I saw that the only reason I felt like I needed control here and to ‘fix’ things was because I felt out of control in my own fears. In my own doubts I would become panicked. Rather than accept that I was scared (a dominant shouldn’t feel such things of course! BS!) I tried to manage my fears by legislating myself and my life to death. I was running. I used structure as a mechanism to hide from myself.
This discovery came at a high price. I learned the hard way (can we say stubborn?) that you can’t make someone let go. You can’t make someone feel safe if they don’t. All the structure in the world won’t stop someone if they choose to rebel. It is always a choice whether to cave to our fears and allow them to control us or to rise above and face them. At the time, the submissive in my care lost her uncle. Her father figure, of which she was estranged for many, many years. The impact this had on her was devastating to her. She entered into a very large and lengthy depression. 6 months had gone by and I began asking her why she wasn’t following her protocol any longer. I had suspended certain aspects of it, feeling she needed her space to navigate what she was feeling, but she began to drop everything. Mind you, some of this began even before her uncle’s passing, so I was alert for what was wrong. Everytime we discussed it I was blamed for trying to enforce the contract she signed. I was called controlling. Domineering. Cruel. I can only tell you I don’t believe I was. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t come from a place of expecting or demanding. I was asking, “Why are you giving up on your structure? What’s wrong? Why don’t you want to follow it any longer?” Something had shifted within her and had been shifting for a long time. She wasn’t aware of what that was. She couldn’t pinpoint it. Through discussions we discovered she was scared. She didn’t really like herself. She felt fear around her not enoughness. She couldn’t measure up with her own idea of who she thought she was supposed to be. And she wouldn’t let it go. She held tight to that fear. She had her whole life really. She wouldn’t allow herself to heal and love herself here. I felt that structure would help her. Focus her. Help her to see her best self. That the dynamic would encourage her to see she was enough just as she is. That was something she wouldn’t choose. A year and a half went by with my trying to remind her, show her what served her best. She refused to allow herself to see it. I had to end the relationship. For my peace. I was damaged in the process. Dismayed. Lost. I couldn’t understand why the structure and the richness of the dynamic wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t what I offered good enough? Ah.....see there......that’s MINE. Doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. I discovered, I was doing a similar thing. Thinking the structure would “save” the relationship. Would fulfill the emptiness. Solve the doubts and fears. Of mine. My feeling of not enoughness. Her expression of her fears was NOT a reflection of my ability. At the time though, it didn’t feel that way. As I sat with it all, I realized, I am NOT here to save anyone. Hell, I struggle enough with my own shit!!! How can I possibly save anyone else??? The truth is, I got to learn that my place as a dominant isn’t to solve anything, it’s to hold a safe space where I can receive honestly my submissives expression of fear and doubt and comfort her with the truth that whatever she decides I am here to comfort and love on her no matter what. This frees me from thinking I have to ‘fix’. And let’s be honest, guys especially are notorious for thinking that a woman’s emotional expression is something that needs to be ‘fixed’. This is ONLY because so many men aren’t comfortable with their own emotions, they don’t know how to hold a space for themselves. Therefor they don’t know how to hold a consistent and stable space for a woman’s natural expression of their emotions. When I let go within myself, discovered my own inability to sit with my emotions. When I saw that I was hiding my own fears. Only when I gave myself permission to accept that I can be scared and still show up with my integrity and face those fears did I learn how to do so for someone else. Courage is NOT the absence of fear. It is standing in spite of those fears and saying, ” I WILL BEND, BUT I REFUSE TO BREAK.”
As a result of this revelation, I questioned every piece of my need to be strict. Why did I want such if it was just a mask? I questioned my dominant expression, was what I truly needed built around rigidness? Where is the compassion and kindness that is definitely a part of me in my desire for the way I show up in a dynamic?
Enter Amethyst. I had grown a lot as a man before her, but with her I expanded in ways I still don’t understand fully (and I resist trying to). The ‘honeymoon phase’ was deeper and richer than either of us had ever experienced. Those of you who know of our story know how we have been blessed and how the doors have opened up for us to be together. How beautiful and never taken for granted such a wonderful space is and has been. As wonderful as it is to be here right next to one another, it isn’t without all the challenges. Life is life. We all carry baggage, regardless of how much we believe we’ve dealt with it all.
Amethyst is as independent and capable a woman that exists. Stubborn. Violently opinionated. Beautiful!! She has this tendency to go off and do all the things she ‘believes’ is necessary. We have discussed, it very much is like a dog on a long leash, she will run as fast and far away as possible if allowed. She doesn’t see this happening. She knows when she is shown that this doesn’t serve her. She knows she doesn’t want it even. But she’s independent, driven and does what she’s done her whole life.....handle her shit. For her to let go and allow me to lead isn’t as easy as she believes it should be. See, and me, I recognize this.....I saw this in other submissives. Scared. Afraid to let go. Fearful of their own vulnerability. Where they just aren’t sure they can trust the lens of their dominant, usually, because they can’t believe what they express they see. Learning to love yourself as you are seen by your dominant is never easy. What have I done in response to this? The exact opposite of what I had done......in the past I held on with an iron fist......now, I am like, “Ok. Go ahead. Run. You do you. When you fall and aren’t happy and are confused, I will lend my hand to pick you up. I’m not going anywhere.” This is not the honest piece that she needs. What I have realized is that in my effort to let go I took my hands off of the wheel. Why? Because I don’t want to be hurt with the same language from my past about being controlling, domineering and cruel. The difference between the here and now with Amethyst and the past is that Amethyst can clearly communicate what she needs and wants. What she values and desires. She knows herself. She isn’t afraid to admit her own struggles. She can honestly express that she doesn’t intend to run to the end of her leash. She doesn’t want control. She loathes it. She has lived her whole life with it and it’s utterly unfulfilling. I would still be in my fear of being too strict at the cost of possibly pushing her away, and working myself up worried about how she would receive my guidance and leading had she simply just not expressed. Oh, this is painful for me. Again, I don’t like seeing that I may be getting it wrong. However, this is not about perfection. Not about getting it all right every second of every day. It’s about showing up honestly. Vulnerably. Raw. Scared. Scarred. And sharing that space whatever it looks like. We have committed to one another to walk down this path TOGETHER. Not perfectly. Not even beautifully always. Sometimes, messy. Sometimes painfully. But ALWAYS together.
THIS IS CONTROL. NOT that as a dominant I can demand and expect what I wish. Rather that I own my need, I know it and express it honestly and healthily. And, more so, that I understand Amethyst’s need and I do what I must do to give her the control that serves her heart the peace it needs to be her best self. To understand that I don’t have all the answers, but my submissive, my best friend, my greatest asset and most prized possession is here for ME. Not against me. To encourage me. To support me and love me as I am too. To allow her to do so. To speak into my world and live the health and love that she is meant to. So I can grow. So I can be my best self. I have a lot to learn. So many spaces to discover and integrate as honest versus the lies I have believed for so long. To not hold on to my pride, my ego and my idea of what MUST be right in order to be able to learn from the love Amethyst speaks into my world by simply breathing. For me not to allow her is for me to disregard her submission.
We are ALL growing. We don’t have all the answers. We act out of what we believe. What we hope is honest and true for us. Being able to accept that we have so much to learn and grow in is a healthy sign of humility and an ability to move forward. Being stuck in rigid dogmatic definitive must-haves is often a sign of a response to fears. I am ALL for structure. Just, not so rigid that it doesn’t allow for you to be human.
I trust you’re all having a wonderful day. Hug those close to you, even if it’s a virtual hug. You’re not alone. We are all in this together. May you find your peace today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
