Emotional Domination

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Well it's ABOUT fucking time!!! I have watched this behavior in the BOTH of you, make excuses for others, excusing their behavior as "their journey" while at the same time, advocating for complete communication and honesty. It has been infuriating at *BEST*.

"Because if you truly desire to support the best of another as they desire to be then holding others accountable to the standards they purport with their lips they want to follow is necessary if even only on a friendship level."

It is a slippery slope though, I can tell you. Someone can SAY they are honest and have integrity but their definition of that may be different than yours. The depth of that WILL be different, and their willingness to be confronted with their duplicity...not many can accept that they are not living up to their own proported values. I myself have been accused of forcing my own values on other when I would confront people with their behavior. I have lost those I thought were my friends and I have been called everything from over sensitive to causing unnecessary drama to being narcissistic. I have faced physical violence because I dared to stand up, speak out, and hold others to THEIR OWN WORDS.

It hurts, beyond measure, to experience. To be able to see the what starts out as a conflict between their words and their actions spiral into hypocrisy....and watch others excuse their behavior as well.

I have a HUGE problem with hypocrisy and due to a recent conversation with someone, I now know it's origins. It doesn't balance my trigger when encountering it, but I always wondered about my history with it. He put it so succinctly that I was shocked by it's logic, "Preaches the word of Jehovah and was an abusive drunk? That's rather hypocritical isn't it. ". That was my mother. I spent my entire CHILDHOOD living with a hypocrite and learning what it looked like. Learning the excuses. Learning the tone of voice in both print and voice. Hell, we were TAUGHT IT by the religion itself!!

And when I told the truth about the abuse, I was gaslit, made to feel and told that my perceptions were wrong, that I was oversensitive or misunderstanding.

(I think I may have gone off the rails here. If I did, I'm sorry....)

My point being, my advice to to remember that part of the conversation has to be finding out the depth of standard (if that makes sense) in which that person wants to be held accountable. Myself, I cannot stand white lies, even to be polite. Others see no problem with those. A stranger asked how I'm doing, I'll reply honestly, "I'm exhausted...each, could be better". I HAVE learned that I can acknowledge my reality but it doesn't mean I HAVE to tell someone the why.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - I would agree.
Accountability only works on those who wish to be held accountable. Otherwise, you are speaking to the wind. And honestly, it is a waste of energy and breath.
Do I (or anyone) get to decide who should be held accountable? Absolutely not! The individual does. And that is either in their character (and it takes a good amount of time often to discover that), or it's in their extension of trust and request from them to another to help them by holding them accountable.
Because most people are NOT accountable to anyone or anything else........because they do not have to be. And, ultimately they may not trust the person who is trying to hold them accountable.

As an example:
I trust VERY few to hold me accountable. Because I do not trust the measuring stick many use. Accountable to them? Not a chance. Accountable to someone who has my best interests at heart.....you bet.....sign me up. THAT is EXTREMELY rare however. Most are out for themselves.

Now, in the context of the writing, I am speaking of me holding others accountable to their word. In the writing the supposition is of friends. People I have known and had in my life for a while. Not random people whom I just pass here and there. Not people I do not on some level know intimately (I am not a casual friend). With those friends, even then, I am clear up front as we get to know each other......are you sure you want me as a friend? Because I do not befriend duplicitous people. If you say a thing, you best do that thing, or I will call you out. I inform straightaway what to expect of me as a friend. If they persist and continue to seek a friendship with me, good. They know the standards with which I live my life and find value. I do NOT expect others to have the same values. I do however expect honesty. So, if a 'friend' were to casually ignore who they said they were.......they are going to hear about it. Not cruelly. Not judgmentally. Just, honestly. Calmly. Kindly. Because we are ALL human and allowed to make poor choices, or mistakes. Continually, that is another matter altogether different. So long as they choose to be the person they themselves say they are going to be, all good. I do not tolerate people who mislead. That is my choice and right. My standard for ME. So I choose to surround myself with those of the same mindset.
If a person chooses to change their mindset, standard, or belief. Cool. Of course they can. Who am I to tell them they cannot? It may just mean then that we no longer are friends. And that is absolutely ok. To each their own. I can respect someone choosing to be whomever they desire to be. Even if I do not agree with it. Again, what difference does it make if I agree or not? Who am I? Nobody. These are simply the standards 'I' choose to live by.....for me.

Some people you cannot talk to. Again, it is a waste of precious energy to even try. I am not interested in convincing someone to have the same character as myself. Or to model the character they say with their lips they are. If one's actions consistently do not reflect a persons' words........we all get to make that judgment call for OURSELVES.
I have allowed people to do what they wish, because, again.....who cares? Who am I? And, if others choose to treat me less than, or disrespectfully because that is their choice. So be it. That in no way affects me. And I am NOT going to waste my time attempting to convince someone they should show up differently. I am not interested in making others see the value in myself. I am valuable period. If others do not see it......that is fine. They are absolutely allowed. In fact, they are encouraged! Because it takes ALL kinds to make the world go round. And personally, I thrive off of those who have a contrarian point of view or standard. It only solidifies within me the reasons I hold my beliefs, character, and actions that I do.

I make myself known to who I am and how I support others. I am crystal clear. Many do not like that. But I am not going to change. I believe in my heart that being honest, having integrity as defined by being transparent, gracious, kind, giving, being straightforward and not being duplicitous are all ways to conduct ones' self in this life in an honorable fashion. Whether another agrees with me and embodies those things or not is irrelevant. As said, if you wish to be in a relationship of ANY kind with me however, it is expected or we simply have nothing in common. I have ZERO qualms with holding those whom I am a friend with accountable......but that same energy does NOT apply to all I know. Because many do not value the same things I do.....no point in wasting my breath. My time is valuable. And I am not willing to give it away to those who do not see it as such.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I'm still trying to find that balance between my value standards (because we are whom we associate with) and the right of others to live as they please.

"Imposing my values", that's the phrase I was trying to think of earlier.

So how does a person decide where the limit of tolerance is? How do you decide that the individuals right and and your own has gone too far and you must end the friendship? And how do you handle the pain of (what feels to me) betrayal? How long do you fight for the relationship?

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - That is indeed a fine line.

For ME, the answer lies in asking myself this one question......
Is what the other person believing, purporting, acting on, something that affects me adversely in an unhealthy way?

If the answer is yes.....I get to distance myself from that individual.
If the answer is no, their right to be who they are stands regardless.

I do not ask someone to change. Or use my metric on how they show up. I would NEVER want that. I want their uniqueness in my life violently.
But their core principles. That's where the rub comes in. If you believe a white lie saves others from pain and you think that's ok, we do not mesh. They are encouraged and absolutely allowed to believe and act how they wish. It is THEIR life and their right.
IF you have told me you believe white lies are unacceptable and then you tell me one to 'save' face with me.......no thanks. That adversely affects me. Because somehow you believe I am incapable of navigating the truth no matter how difficult you may think that is for me.....you have no right to decide for me. And, I disagree with the principle that somehow honesty is too much for people.

But to your point.....
What I value and you value may be wholly different. So you may have a whole different set of standards. It is those base ones I believe we should hold our relationships accountable to. Firstly for ourselves (which is why I will not tolerate a white lie. Because if I tolerate it then I am effectively saying I believe in it and open myself up to being someone who presents a white lie as well).
And I feel it is those core things we seek to have resonant. I do not care if you think whipping someone is wrong or not. That's your right. But if you believe in a morality that condones dishonesty, surreptitiousness, deception, cruelty, misrepresentation, judgmentalism, co-dependency, people pleasing, or otherwise lack of personal accountability for ones own actions......THAT is when I will hold myself accountable and hold a boundary. And if another purports similarly and then repeatedly their actions show another thing.......we believe differently and we really lack common ground. Our relationship, on whatever level that is, will go nowhere anyway. And I will call it for what it is.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I'm not sure co-dependency is a moral CHOICE but rather a mental health disorder which needs treatment, so shouldn't be lumped in with things like "dishonesty", "misrepresentation", etc.

Like I said, I'm still working on the "how to handle it when shit goes wrong" and I KNOW that my dysregulation has interfered with that process significantly and I'm trying to separate out the "messy room" of responsibility. Everytime I try and address the feelings within me, the dust gets stirred up and it just seems easier to leave it be (hmmm, I think we've had this discussion...lol). Unfortunately, I'm alone in this. I don't have a Dom in my bed, providing a balance to the pain in order to bolster my resolve to keep facing it.

And that "shortfall"(?) triggers feeling of jealousy and comparison (which is my current state of emotions).

Pillows are great for holding the head when it is exhausted, but not when your heart is.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - Agree to disagree on co-dependency being a choice. Maybe I misspoke lumping it in with morality.....that probably is a little much!

And I would encourage you with this......we all must get to a space that we hold ourselves accountable before we will ever let another do so.
Ask me how I know!!
I was not ready for Amethyst before she came into my life.....one of the major reasons was because I could not regulate myself. I lacked the boundaries and the self care practices to hold myself accountable to the things I said with my lips I desired in the way of character. I failed myself repeatedly. When I got clear with myself and began putting the things in place in an honest fashion within myself and holding myself to a high standard of character THEN I was ready for a partner who most assuredly was going to need those standards.

While you may not have a Dom at the moment. You are absolutely on the right track for healing. Learning those uncomfortable and difficult lessons that must be learned all by yourself.
That does not mean it doesn't suck ass!!!
Because it ABSOLUTELY does. I get it!!! Sadly, it is however necessary.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I can't even fathom you NOT being the rock that you are now.

This may seem disconnected from the conversation but in my head, it's not...just that the mental jumps are too rapidly to explain.

So for the past week or two, I've been wishing I had someone that could use a flower on me, not for sexual enjoyment (for myself or for them) but to.....*word/thought jumble*....I WANT to release the pain and yet, it keeps getting stuffed, like on autopilot. However, while trying to examine why a person who HATES that level of pain would suddenly desire it, I have come to believe it's about ownership, or rather, shifting the blame.

I'm crying NOT because I'm feeling my emotional pain but because I'm in physical pain. Talk about a twisted form of disassociation!

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - I hear you!
My experience has shown me a LOT of s types fall into this category.
Wanting pain not because they desire the pain, rather because they want the distraction. Which then IS about wanting the pain, but not really!!!

And it CAN be therapeutic. When we recognize it for what it can be. A catalyst to begin the release and letting go. IF we choose it for that purpose and we allow ourselves the permission to feel whatever comes up from within us.

And I've been there.
In fact I have flogged myself for just that reason (then realized the pain needed to be outward and not inward).
Meaning I got to flog a pillow strapped to the bed to some Disturbed, which moved that energy within me.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - A thought just occurred to me but as I was writing it out, I couldn't word it in such a way that didn't sound like I was being accusatory or coming from a place of hurt and defensiveness so I deleted it.

I'm sorry.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Drago, it sounds like you are saying I need to be healed, FIRST, before I can be in a dynamic which I disagree with. No one will EVER be completely healed and there will ALWAYS be work to do. Please clarify your thoughts.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - You are correct. There is no COMPLETE healing that EVER will happen.
I encourage you to consider asking yourself this question though........if you KNEW you had open wounds that would bleed all over the white carpet would you walk into the room?
I am NOT saying we do not heal in a relationship.......shit......I am living proof that a LOT of the deeper work happens within a relationship. However, it is not Amethysts role or even within her capability or desire to hold a space for me if I were learning to love myself. That should have already BEGUN prior to her entrance in my life. Yes, I can learn to love myself deeper in her love.....no doubt!!! ONLY because I already had a foundation within myself to build off of though.

MANY people assume having a dynamic/relationship will forge the foundation of those things we have cracks, holes, cave-ins, destruction within ourselves in. That simply is not honest. The foundation is OUR individual responsibility to mend, fortify, shore-up, patch, clean. Can that work be done within a relationship? Yes. But it is far from optimal. Because we often end up attracting to us what created the cracks in the first place. Because that is what is familiar (ask me how I know!!!!!). It is an energetic piece. We draw to us that which we believe we need, that is NOT the same as actually recieving what we HONESTLY need. And the cycle continues. The damage goes on and on. We repeat the pattern because we do not know better. We try to 'fix' it with a myriad of things only to discover there is NO amount of 'fixing' that makes a difference.

You have heard me express in writing the pain I was in after my previous to Amethyst relationship. I swore I was going celebate. I was done. And it wasn't a joke. I was dead serious. I was through with the pain. It was too much. I would live my life happily alone. I would work on me only. Everyone else could suck it!
Oddly enough, after a short time of living in that space honestly, calmly, contentedly did Amethyst come across my lens. And, you can ask her, I pushed her away over and over again. I was straight up honest to her that I wanted NOTHING to do with her. Yet, SHE felt called to stay at my side. Even if that meant with no communication and our distance. She KNEW there was something we were meant to share. Even if that was just a friendship. She did not push. Did not demand. She just accepted what was. She was calm. Resolute. And was content in her life as well. Because she was in the same exact space I was in......she swore of men. She was done with the whole lot of them. And she had found peace within herself over that reality for herself. She worked on her peace. Her growth. Began to find her voice.
We BOTH found our boundaries. Something we did not have with previous partners. We had fears that controlled us that we called boundaries......when we settled into actually being ok with ourselves and worked on our damaged foundations respectively we each began to be stronger. Which is EXACTLY what a foundation is for. Strength. To build off of.

I for one am EXCEEDINGLY grateful that I found a space where I was done and threw my hands up for a time. I actually was able to find my own accountability to myself. Rather than pleasing others and calling it 'love'. Or pretending I was being accountable to my character when all I was doing was neglecting myself in deference to others.
That is the one thing I found in my pain. "I" was the cause of most of it. Because of what I allowed. What I permitted. What I was willing to accept. I was continuing the cycle of neglect that began in my childhood. By choosing those who would treat me just as my parents did. Oh, I did so unconciously. But I did it nonetheless. I did not conciously ask for it......in fact I screamed it was the last thing I wanted. But I also refused to stand up for myself when others crossed my non-existent boundaries I needed to have. My foundation had MASSIVE gaping holes in it. People broke in and fucked up ALL KINDS OF SHIT. Because they did not know how to treat my home. THAT is the lesson I HAD to learn. The distance, removal and healing I did of myself in that quiet space where I found my footing. Where I found my bedrock. Where I found my voice. Where I found my cracks and patched them as best I could (and yes, they still need mending and tending to). I BEGAN the work, and it was such hard, shitty, uncomfortable work that I vowed to myself NEVER AGAIN. Never again would I allow someone to come in and shift me from the foundation that I KNEW was me. If they tried........I walked away.

That was something until I did the tough inner work I would not have done. I would have continued to allow people to see my crumbling foundation as they swung a sledge hammer at it to put in the pool they wanted. Or the window. Or the bedroom. Whatever it was that served THEM. And disregarded me and what "I" found valuable for myself. Again, to be clear, "I" allowed this. Accepted it. Called it good. Called it love. Called it caring. Called it mercy. Called it understanding. Called it compassion. All the while I was NONE of those things to myself.

Am I still working on those things within my dynamic?
ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On some level I will always be working on them. Because a crack in the foundation never really goes away. We just mend it. Reinforce it. The scar will ALWAYS remain. And, it will always be a weak spot that water can get it. The slick-talking-honey-dripping-promises of those who sell their snake oil trying to convince us that they mean us no harm if we will but just trust them.
Yeah, no thanks.
I am STILL learning to stand up and say, "I need this in my life." Amethysts' response tells me everything I need to know about who she is. I have gotten to learn WHY I need those things......because they serve to strengthen my foundation. Again, I BEGAN that work, and had found peace with the strength of my foundation when Amethyst came across my path. And I STILL wanted nothing to do with her. I was content. I did not want my peace ruined. I told her in no uncertain terms, "If you do not add value to my life, you are not allowed in it. Period." That was hard fought from my healing. You may not have such a trauma or trouble.
But, whatever it is that allows others to leak through the walls of your foundation it is in your best interest to shore up before someone else comes along and erodes your confidence, security, strength any further wouldn't you agree? If you discover the choices you have made to permit others from stepping into your life and leaking through your security and eroding your confidence, if you discover why the same pattern continues to repeat and you are able to correct it.......what do you think you could find on the other side? Someone waiting just for you that will actually appreciate your foundation and respect what you stand for in all your strength? Because your history has shown you have let others in (and absolutely not intentional on your part in a concious way I believe fully) because something within you sees the potential, or the merit in trusting them when they are not worthy of that trust. The repeated cycle of others eroding your foundation (security, trust, strength, confidence) is a choice you make. No, you are NOT asking others to treat you this way!!! I am NOT saying that. There is, however, a piece of you that sees what you do in others and calls it 'normal'. And it is not. It is trauma. THAT deserves to be healed BEFORE you allow the same thing to happen and repeat wouldn't you agree?
Now, what does that look like?
God, I will be honest and say I have NO clue for you. I do not know you well enough to say. And, maybe, just maybe.....even if I could......it is not for ANYONE else to say. Because the ONLY way you will truly feel, hear, see it is when you discover it for yourself.
How long will that take? That is entirely unknown. Again, however, only YOU can decide for yourself if it is worth it. How much is your peace of mind worth? How much is your contentment worth?

And yes. It is a lonely place to be. I know this DESPERATELY well.
But that is NOT the same as being alone. You DO have others to hold a space for you. Even if that is exceptionally uncomfortable at times.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I'm glad I waited to ask you to clarify your thoughts. I have been dysregulated for several weeks now (triggered by a horrific mediation and court date), so have had to have a stranglehold over myself, watching for moments when I was attempting to speak from a trauma place and not from a place of authenticity. MOST of the time, I'm able to catch it (which is a huge indicator of my own growth, to be sure).

Do I still have work do to? Absolutely. However, contrary to what you may be thinking, I HAVE been doing that work.

I still question, "should I hold my tongue? Am I standing up for truth or is is me reacting from a place of trigger?". "Is speaking up worth the possible loss of a friend?". "Is this any of my damned business?!".

I ALSO still get lonley. My Little still wants a lap to cuddle up in. For *me*, expressing those feelings, publicly, just like other people do, is me being vulnerable. For *me*, it is letting people see me cry. For *me*, it is HUGE. I don't let people see me cry. I also don't let people see me have sex because of that whole "hypervigilance" component of PTSD, but THATS OK, for now. I don't NEED to let people see me getting it on like Donkey Kong. I still need to work on being comfortable with letting people know that I'm "not ok", which is why my post from a couple weeks ago was so important.

It's ok to be lonely. It's ok to want to get laid so hard your head spins. It's ok to want to have a person. That doesn't mean I'm trying to have someone heal me, fix me, or that I'm ignoring my issues.

It simply means I'm lonley, horny, and I'm letting people know I'm actively looking. (You'd be surprised how many people don't realize that DamnitJim is the name I've given to my autocorrect.🙄).

It ALSO means that I'm taking a risk...by expressing it openly. I'm taking the risk of facing judgement. It means I'm taking the risk of being laughed at and teased.

And I'm now at the point where I don't give a shit if it happens because it wasn't about them. It was me, going outside my self-containment bubble.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - FYI
I have NEVER doubted your growth. It is quite obvious to me.
I believe you have come MILES from where you have been and are much stronger than ever.
Also, NO ONE is saying it is not ok to have desires. That is the human condition, being what it is.
And I applaud you for the bravery to stand up and give a voice to be heard when it is challenging to do so.
Do not ever change. Do not ever stop.
You are ABSOLUTELY where you are meant to be......even if that is massively uncomfortable......your character on the other side, and also through this space, is helping form you into the individual you truly were designed to be.

You should be proud of yourself!!!
I know I am. As well as so many others.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I don't know about the "so many others", but thank you.

What I was hearing you say (before) was that I needed to heal before I could be loved and that I'm stagnant in my growth.

I had ALSO misunderstood something you said which triggered a "I'm being expected to live up to different standards than everyone else" feeling. The comment I had deleted...was all that. When I reread what you had written (in a comment), I "heard" it differently. So, here we are..

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - Conversely,
I also do not care if you are doing something that is truly harming you but you simply cannot see that thing. It is your journey. All my 'showing' you when you cannot see does is frustrate me. And, it takes me away from caring for another person.
That decision is made when I see the intention of the individual means well. They are legitimately trying to do right. And they truly do not or cannot yet see their error. That's fine. They are allowed. Brow beating them to see it will not help (ask me how I know). But caring, mercy, compassion, grace for them will.
That is something we get to learn.......do we want to care......or do we want to judge?
Does a person need it?

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - THAT, I am learning to recognize....thanks to your example. Now, how to recognize when I'm slipping into the past pattern of judging and switching modes....a bit more difficult.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - I agree!!
That really is super challenging!!!

My experience ONLY........when I learned to be gentler and kinder to myself.....I began to learn how to be gentler and kinder to others in their trauma and pain.
Because I realized the truth that I am not alone. No matter how much my fear tried (and sometimes still does try) to tell me I am all alone fighting this inner push and pull battle.
When I came to accept, I do not deserve to punish myself for a past I did not choose.....and today I have a choice of who I am going to be ..... And I accepted that was going to be far from perfect but I was going to try my hardest......I learned to give myself grace.
And discovered along the way that the grace I gave myself opened my heart up to extend it to others as well. Instead of being judgmental of myself and thereby of others as well......I got to learn forgiveness. Compassion. But it HAD to begin with me.

Sadly, we treat others the way we treat ourselves. Maybe not on the surface always......but deep down.....our hearts betray us with our actions or words that come from a place of pain. And if we do not have mercy towards ourselves we struggle to find it for others as well.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Funny, how talking to yourself the way you talk to your friends and giving yourself the same grace you would give others changes you...❤️

Sweet Ginger​(sub female){⚓ } - I wish you peace.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) - Our inner demons never truly go away. In fact it's when we forget about them that "We" allow them to return. As you point out, we hold ourselves accountable and must continue to do so each and every day. We keep our own demons in check, no matter what they may be. Great blog.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} - Thank you kind Sir. And an EXCELLENT point.
The battle is real. But that IS what builds the character.