When she met me, I was horribly broken. Healing, but broken.
I had been used something horrible at the hands of predator submissives. I always feel I need to quantify that they were unhealthy, I am NOT saying that they necessarily believed they were intentionally seeking to harm me. Simply that they carried so much baggage, so many mechanisms they couldn’t honestly show up as a healthy person. They would lie, or manipulate, or see things through their lens that simply was a dishonest reflection of what I intended to give in the way of encouragement and support. Human, absolutely. Also, incredibly damaging to those whom they want to allow close to them.
I had poured myself, as I am always prone to do, into these relationships trying to extend my trust, working to honor their space and build with them an honest connection. Sadly, they simply were unable to meet me. That is NOT a travesty. That is NOT the end of the world. But it also takes its’ toll emotionally when you invest as much as I do.
I am a deeply emotional being. This used to bother me of course, I had my own stories and mechanisms around such things. The truth is, it is simply me. For me, I need the emotional connection. Love, is a part of my dynamic. I desire it to be. I would even say I can’t have a connection of any substance without the emotional component being an intricate piece of a healthy connection of any type. This, of course, is why I pour myself into any dynamic I have found myself in.
I had ended a 4 year connection with a submissive in my care. She was unable/unwilling to submit as far as I needed with her heart. We still lived together, we had a house that we shared. Just separate rooms. I fully felt responsible for making sure she wasn’t just left high and dry so to speak. I wanted her to have at least three months of bills paid by me. And there were things around there that I had said I would fix and therefore meant to absolutely do and did.
I began a long-distance relationship with a slave in Georgia. That was catastrophically disastrous to me. She simply couldn’t stop lying. And I couldn’t build trust on anything other than honesty. That relationship broke me. Tore me apart inside in a million ways. I asked of myself, “What is wrong with me? Don’t I deserve to be loved? Why do I always end up being treated so poorly?” I had attempted to trust. Even though my intuition was screaming at me. I told myself that if what I wanted was a partner who could trust me then I must be willing to do the same. So I set out to do just that. Never mind the reality that the things she told me, the things she promised me were preposterous, and utterly unnecessary. I asked only for her heart. Her honesty. No other way to build a trusting relationship in my eyes, that, and through brutal transparency.
I don’t know anyone in the lifestyle that would disagree. We risk so very much. The physical is the easiest yet is wrought with peril. As a dominant it requires a huge amount of trust for me to even scene with a submissive. All it takes is one unhealthy submissive to scream abuse, and a good dominants reputation is soiled. Never mind whether it is true or honest. Sadly, we simply don’t know everyone’s motives and we should do our due diligence to make sure that everyone we play with is who and what they say they are.
I wanted desperately to believe that what she told me was honest. I truly did. When asked to show up, meet one another she would come up with excuse after excuse. Not that we hadn’t seen one another, we had. It was the next time we were supposed to meet. And the 50 next times she had an excuse, she went into the hospital. She fell asleep on the side of the road. Her uncle passed away and 5 miles from me she had to turn around and go back home. She was waiting for me at the hotel, and slipped and fell and ended up in the hospital just as I was about to leave to see her. She got scared and hid in “little space” where she wouldn’t come out to see me and she couldn’t tell me where she was though she was close to me she purported. She was standing in the same parking lot as me, on the phone saying she saw me and loved how I looked, but then wouldn’t allow me to see her. She rented a cabin for us in a town nearby me, her family was flying in from all over, one of her cousins was driving to come get me and pick me up when he ended up in a car accident. When I would call around to these resorts to find out if she had booked the cabin there was no such name. When I confronted her on this she said she had to book it under another name. When I asked her what it was she couldn’t tell me for my “safety”. These are just a few of the lies I could neither prove, nor disprove. My gut just wasn’t settled however. I truly tried to trust. Tried to hold a space for her to navigate her obvious fears and insecurities, but it just gave her permission to get more and more wild with the lies. I told her enough was enough. I walked away from her for a time. As it happens she found some way in social media to contact me though I thought I had blocked her everywhere. She made what seemed like an honest plea, and my heart was moved. I slowly began speaking with her again. Made sure to tell her it was not ok to hurt me as she had. Set boundaries in place where I had said if she pulled anything like those stunts again I was gone. No one deserves to be toyed with. Emotional abuse is still abuse. She assured me it was done. Of course, it wasn’t. She only found craftier ways to manipulate. For what purpose, to what end? I truly don’t know. Today I accept that it was just a game for her. Something she played at believing she could control another and their heart. Time would not permit me to go into all of the horrible things she did and said that simply led me on that had no merit, no hope, no honesty from her in truth. I repeatedly told her I didn’t need all of the “things” she promised me. Truly. I only wanted her heart. Once again, that was too much. More than she could give.
I came to realize in my hurt and pain, I was asking something from those who didn’t love themselves they simply didn’t know how to give. If you are scarred and healing from some form of abuse, or self-negligence, or suffer with self-worth to the extent that you cannot receive another’s’ honesty as honest there is NO WAY you can extend your heart to another person. You will never believe that it can honestly be received, and you will always doubt, question, disbelieve that they could truly care for you as you are. THIS is what I had to learn. I didn’t want this lesson to be sure!! It hurt like hell. The truth is, I was going to repeat this lesson over and over again until I learned that not everyone is capable, or worthy of receiving my heart, my dominance, me. I had to gain a boundary that said, “Just because you say you need me is not equal to actually being able to receive me. Nor is it my responsibility to heal your inner self-worth wounds.” I got to discover just what I needed, not just what I thought I could get. I am wired to give of myself. There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for someone whom I believed I should protect and care for. I got to learn, however, that space is earned. Not just given because my partners felt like I should give it. As dominants this is a tricky space. We want desperately to be depended upon, trusted to be the protector. To keep you safe with integrity firstly within our character and secondly with our passion and desire to see you grow and learn. We dominants want this so badly that often we are guilty of overlooking that there are submissives that simply are not able yet to truly allow you to protect them. Their fears, their insecurities detonate their own hearts desires. It is NOT that they intend that usually. It is simply that they have not learned to heal from their past wounds and they transfer that pain and scar onto everyone around them. Even more so deeply their partner. Of course, each of us has to decide how much of this is permissible and how much is healthy or not for ourselves. No one is perfect, I would never maintain that any individual needs to be. I certainly am not!! I come with my own scars for sure. I am aware of them however, and I work diligently to not transfer them to my partner. Though, even then, I am far from perfect.
Just because a submissive says they want your dominance doesn’t mean what they call dominance is the same as what you may have to give. In my experience, I have found very few submissives (and only my limited experience mind you) that want and can handle a true heart and soul connection. Many say they do, but the work it requires to be utterly transparent, especially with yourself, to not hide, to show up even when you’re scared and not feeling so lovely is something that most I have witnessed simply are unable or unwilling to do.
I was reeling. I had so much pain within from being used. Mind you, it wasn’t solely her fault. I own the fact that I allowed myself to care beyond my own boundaries that were meant to keep me safe and protect my heart. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of because I refused to accept that I should keep anything from anyone. As I said, lesson learned. I was hurting so badly. My prior submissive whom I still lived with watched with horror and pain as well. She didn’t like what she saw me going through. While I know that a piece of her also felt like she would easily get me back because she wasn’t as awful as I had just went through. I saw through her manipulations as well however. Trying to use my weakened emotional state to gain favor. It showed me even more how not everyone is meant to receive my heart. Not everyone could in honesty. It was sad to see that so many of my relationships had ended this way. Where it was simply about what they could get from me. How they could feel ok with themselves because I would care for them no matter what, yet they couldn’t ever really feel ok. They couldn’t really ever say they were happy. Nothing that I had anything to do with. Simply, a sign of their inner struggle. In my pain I turned back to what I knew served me the most. Writing. Though, honestly, my writing in that space showed my pain, hurt, anger and frustration very much. Those around me saw it. Asked me when I was going to write something cheery again! They were right in a way, I was sitting with it too long. Not wanting to move forward. Afraid I was going to make the same mistakes all over again.
I began another long distance relationship with someone different. She was safe. She had kids. Had no inclination of honestly being able to receive me into her world. That served me just fine. What I was doing was choosing someone I could keep my emotions locked away from. I was being dishonest with myself. Trying to pretend that I could walk away from who I am and not feel while at the same time have a “relationship” with someone so I could put on the appearance of being happy. I was fooling no one. Especially not myself. The lady with whom I was having a long distance relationship with was none-the-wiser, but I couldn’t continue that in good faith. She, of course, didn’t like that. But, better a couple months into a relationship discover it isn’t going to work than a couple years. Her response was one that showed me I shouldn’t be involved with her anyways. Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for living your truth, what resonates with you and what makes you happy is abusive. Period. I had swung to the other extreme. I am a deeply feeling person, so, I will shut them all off.
I truly was in a space that I swore off women altogether. I had given up. Threw my emotional hands up and said, “NO MORE!” I was done being hurt. Done allowing anyone in just to be manipulated, managed, coerced, used and not accepted. Done feeling like all I could do was love and have that love stepped on.
It was then when I was done looking, when I was done seeking for what I defined as the perfect partner, when I was trying to hide into safety and run away from my own deep feelings, that she came along.
She had been there for a while. In the background. Just an admirer. Just a friend. Nothing more. Nothing unbecoming. Nothing expected. She was in very much the same space. She wanted nothing to do with any sort of relationship. She was working on her. Just as I was working on myself. We just talked. But boy did we talk!!! It had been a long time since I could honestly talk with someone openly and be understood. Heard. Received. No judgment. No ridicule. No questions of why and what the f? Just, “I hear you. I truly do. And I admire your courage to express your truth.”
After a time, she asked me what comes up for me emotionally when we chat. Because she had feelings that she didn’t believe could be there, but no denying was. I pushed her away. Totally true. I wasn’t in a space to have an emotional connection. This is what truly showed me my relationship that was long distance with the woman that had children was just a cover. A mask. A place for me to hide. This is when I ended the relationship with her. As I expressed, I pushed away this new girl that was reaching out to me. I quit talking with her altogether. I went silent. I ran away.
I had successfully run away from everyone. No one could get close to me. I wouldn’t allow it. And yet, in the back of my heart, was the nagging voice, “You too, deserve to be loved. Will you allow yourself to be loved honestly?” I resisted. Told my heart what a fool it was. Reminded myself of the reasons why I shouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable, open and trusting with another person. I always get used. I will just end up hurt. And yet........there is no denying my hearts desire to connect authentically with someone. Just one person in this world. I don’t need much. Don’t want much. I am not greedy. I just want to be seen and received for who I am.
That’s it. That’s enough.
This girl, this woman, she just emotionally sat next to me. She didn't try to push me. She didn't ask me for anything. Her lack of expectant energy was incredibly refreshing. It allowed me just to breathe. Clean, healthy air. For the first time in a very long time. I admit, I didn't know how to act. I was so used to putting up walls and keeping others at bay because they were so forward and so abrasive I began doing what I always knew to do without realizing. I would catch myself trying to build walls and be aware that it wasn't at all necessary. Scary thing was, she saw it! She was fully aware and would just emotionally smile. She knew my struggle we would talk endlessly about how we had always become the person in our relationships that would put others first and how that was a mechanism that allowed us to hide behind walls. How we "managed" our involvement and the depth of others’ involvement allowed in our sphere. We resonated on the same vibration regarding our desire to just let go and let love lead, and how scary that was. We both separately had decided to just take our hands off of the wheel. Where our journey took us, it did. And we expected nothing. Which is probably exactly why we clicked. We didn't care if the other was this or that. We had quit trying to define and manage what was intended to come our way. It did us no good. It made matters worse for us. We simply learned to trust the Divine to speak into our worlds and we accepted gratefully whatever that looked like.
We talked from the end of March, through April and I made a decision to go fly to see her. I hadn't been on a plane in 30 years. I needed to know if what I felt 2000 miles away was honest, or just wishful thinking. I truly wanted just to hold her. To hug her. To feel her presence and what that did to my body. A person's energy never lies. Words do. But never a person's intent.
When we saw one another at the end of May it was like going home. As she eloquently put it later, " It was if you had been away on a business trip, and I was just picking up my partner of several years to take them to our home. " She was right. There, in the airport, that first hug upon meeting, we knew. Our energy was extremely cohesive and clean together. Calming even. We had a beautiful 4 days together before I flew back home.
A couple weeks later she couldn't do it. I was getting too close. I saw her, all of her. Her vulnerability, her weaknesses, her strengths, her victories, and it scared her. I was 2000 miles away and I could see her like no other ever had. She was freaked out. She ran. Of course, I was hurt. I tried to love her enough to allow her to simply make her choice with as much of a brave face as I could muster. It absolutely wasn't easy to let her go. I didn't want to.
I spent the next few weeks being a man whore. Trying to stop the pain. Poor mechanism that was stupid. And I knew it. One Saturday afternoon I sent her a text, " Shame on you for putting me in this place. How dare you abandon me!" She didn't respond.
Sunday, a response, " I know it's not fair. If it makes you feel any better, it hasn't been easy for me either. "
GOOOOOOD!!!! I wanted to reply. That was just my hurt though. We started talking again. She realized she was wrong she was just truly scared to love and feel the love that she did for me period let alone 2000 miles away! We vowed to work at being together by the end of the year and we moved forward not knowing how that was going to happen but believing it would.
Some encouragement for those in LDR, something we discovered that was such a huge blessing to us was that the way we connect deeply with people it was a massive positive that we were 2000 miles apart. We got to discover how to hold space for one another when it was so difficult to not have the other to hold. We learned that the emotional bonds that were being built between us were the important spaces necessary to a healthy relationship. The physical wants would muddy up the waters and become a distraction from the heart pieces that truly serves us deeply as individuals. Sure, we had difficult moments where we wanted to be with each other, but we navigated them well.
Shortly after we began talking again, she made plans to come out and see me in September. It was the beginning of August when she set up to do so. I had a long time ahead of me to wait. Our relationship grew. We learned one another. And loved one another deeply.
We enjoyed our time together in the middle of September. Quiet, romantic, full of gifts and cherished moments. Reenergizing our souls and confirming once again our need and desire to be with one another.
Parting was AWFUL. Like ripping a limb off. But we navigated that together as well.
By the end of September, the Divine opened a door for us most unexpectedly. Money came through to allow us to realize our dream!!!!! We discussed what to do with it all. A new car for me that would make the trip and yet pull a uhaul. Money to get a new apartment.
Where will we live?
Who will move where?
We decided it was best for me to move where she was. And we both were going to look for new jobs in a completely different town we have ever known. The plan was set, wheels in motion. November 2 was the day I was going to leave the state and drive 2000 miles with my belongings to begin a new life together.
The second week of October was rough. I was still working 14 to 16 hour days. Coming home and talking to my baby girl. I had finished building a new bathroom from scratch down in the basement so that I could rebuild the bathroom on the main floor. I finished the main bath as well. New vinyl window in shower. New tile shower, new backsplash tile 42 inches high off of the floor. Freshly painted. All of the things.
I paid the 3 months worth of bills to the former submissive as I said I would so she would not feel as though she was abandoned. She would not just be left hanging out on the wind with no possibility of paying the bills until she got a renter in the house.
One day, after I got home from work, and was on the phone with my baby girl, my roommate wanted me to look at repairing something in the basement bathroom I built. I went down to look at it and began repairs. Mind you, I had my phone with me. I told my baby girl I loved her and had to let her go and off she went. My roommate proceeded to tear me a new butthole because I was so rude to her and what about her feelings.
Mind you, we had been separated for over a year now. She screamed at me, she was tired of my abuse and wanted out. The abuse was apparently saying I love you to my baby girl. Which, mind you, I was generally considerate of staying behind closed doors and having a conversation on the phone so as not to offend or upset her. She said this wasn't good enough. She could still hear me. And I was rude and narcissistic. I said, "Okaaaaaaaaay" she said she wanted me out. Now! And I couldn't take any of my stuff without someone there to assure I didn't steal or damage anything from her! (Oh boy). I left that Friday evening, a full two weeks from when I was supposed to be leaving the state and got a hotel for the night after I packed as many essentials I could fit in my car. Thank goodness I ended up getting an SUV! My pickup would never have worked here!!!!! I was still stuck with the dilemma of getting the rest of my belongings, and where to stay. Thankfully, Uhaul had a trailer I could rent on Saturday and my roommate worked that day by some miracle. I packed as much as I could get in the trailer, and left 1000s of dollars of equipment behind. But made it out of there before she got home gratefully!!!! Took all of my belongings to a storage unit and found a truck stop to take a shower and sleep in my car at. The next few nights in the car was rough. I had work coming up. I needed some sleep!!! Babygirl convinced me to spend the money for ten nights at a hotel, where I could get good sleep and make some of my own meals even. It was tough. But, the day came!!!!! I loaded all of my stuff from storage into a covered Uhaul to begin a new life!!!!!
Baby girl had given notice at her job. We had discussed that financially she could afford to find a job that was meaningful, and service oriented for her rather than just an empty nothing of a job. She was set to have her last day on November 15.
I made it to my princesses’ apartment on November 4. I had been looking for jobs for the last month. Most of them wouldn't talk with me because I was from way out of state. But I had some interviews, 4 to be exact, set up for November 8 and 9th. With 23 years in the same profession, I wasn't too worried about finding a job. We looked at apartments in the city. So many to choose from! But it was a weird place to find ourselves in. A prospective employer wanted to know where I lived, while an apartment complex wanted to know where my income was coming from to pay for an apartment!!!! We had the monies for all we needed. But that was little reassurance to the apartment buildings. So, we simply stepped out in faith that what we were destined to arrive at would manifest and work out.
I went to my interviews on the 8th and 9th. I landed the perfect job, making the most I've ever made, really. At the same time found an apartment that allowed me to use my past employer history even if it was 2000 miles away. Not just any apartment, but the PERFECT apartment. In the best part of town, yet out of town and quiet. Affordable. Peaceful. Serene even. Which is amazing to say in a suburb of 115k people! And I kid you not when I express that in a 2-mile radius is every story we would ever need to go shopping at and many more that are a bonus to shop at!!!
We spent our first Christmas together! Exchanging what little we had left as gifts. Which truly was the most special of Christmases. I was settling into my job, thoroughly enjoying it. She was on the hunt for the perfect job and struggling with sitting at home.
2020 is a new year, so many new spaces to discover together!!!! I am grateful for the tumult that was 2019, it has brought me to where I am and has legitimately caused me to appreciate even deeper the rich blessings I have in the healthy relationship with my baby girl. I am also glad 2019 is over! New chapters to write. New stories to live.
I hope you have found some insight in this writing. That you find in the tragedies the pieces that help you grow.
Peace and light to you all.
From both of us, Happy New Year
Drago and Amethyst
