Nobody tells you when you start to heal how much of your unhealthy you will get to see on a regular basis.
Nobody tells you how uncomfortable it is to witness the past through a lens today that has learned better.
Nobody tells you how painful it can be to witness so many ways you have made yourself small to please others.
Nobody tells you how being in a relationship with someone presses on so many of those wounds of feeling like not enough while also simultaneously feeling like too much.
Nobody mentions how sad it is to sit and consider all of the ways you have allowed others to define who you should be, how you should show up just so you would not feel so alone.
Nobody tells you how finding your voice after discovering how little of it you have been allowed to have by yourself is a MAJOR uphill battle that is incredibly frightening.
Nobody tells you that feelings of safety are rare until you wade through the discomfort of your mechanisms to silence the demons.
Nobody tells you how lonely it can be to see those whom you thought were for you were actually part of the problem.
Nobody tells you how daunting it can be to have to walk away from family members who will not respect your boundaries no matter how often you ask them to.
Nobody tells you how to be interdependent with those around you. Learning how without a role model can be exhausting and wrought with not a few set backs.
Nobody mentions the times you allow a codependent mindset, choice, or belief to live how deeply you suffer for doing so once you have realized how empty that form of attachment truly is.
Nobody tells you how many people will now refuse to speak with you because you are no longer open to just 'giving them what they want' to make them happy.
Nobody tells you how disheartening it is to realize how little people actually care about your well-being and health. Though you truly care for theirs.
Nobody speaks about the moments you have while healing where you feel totally lost, confused, unsure and wish you had someone there to reassure you that you are on the correct path.
Nobody talks about seeing your darkness and being scared to death that you might actually die or end your own life out of shame for what you discover while finding your voice.
Nobody discusses the level of fear that rises up repeatedly seeking to convince you to give up and go back to what is 'safe' in your mechanisms while you are trying to be courageous and choose a different path to have a different outcome.
Nobody mentions how seeing yourself and your poor mechanisms can build a huge amount of guilt that is not so fun to navigate.
Nobody discusses how much you long for someone to 'save' you from the pain, discomfort, misery, fear.......and how realizing that your longing here creates a depth of shame for running away from your inner child.
Nobody shares with you how witnessing the cruelty at your own hands towards your own inner child more often that not is a paralyzing space.
Nobody talks about how there is literally no one around you that is willing to hold a space for you just to rage, or cry, or fall apart, or be scared, or just emote however you need to.
Nobody discusses how, as you heal you begin to see all the patterns of those closest to you that are not healthy for you and that can cause you to feel even more isolated and abandoned.
Nobody tells you how awful it is to truly be able to see and admit to yourself how often we have abandoned ourselves.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now how brave you are to fight to be better.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now, they are proud of you for not giving up even though you definitely have moments when you do and want to.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now, it is ok to give yourself permission to be terrified. To be scared to death. And you are no less on the journey to healing than anyone else.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now, you do not have to have it altogether to be better today than you were yesterday.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now, you are allowed to feel like a mess. Chaotic. And are every bit worthy to be cared for.....most of all by yourself.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now, this battle is a battle about loving you. ALL of you. That others, your fears, what you learned when you were a child from your caretakers, about how you could not be received. About how you were not allowed to take up space. About how you should be seen and not heard does NOT have to be your truth for you today. Today YOU get to choose a different way of seeing, loving, caring for yourself. And you do not need ANYONES approval, acceptance, validation, permission to love every piece of you in your uniqueness.
Nobody tells you, except for right here, right now, it is time. Time to embrace your scared, lost, lonely inner child and hug them. Speak gently. Reassuringly. Calmly. Patiently. Kindly to them as you seek to find a voice that is yours. A voice that no longer is silent, or pacified by empty promises. A voice that holds others accountable to their actions as well as their words. A voice that is longing to be heard and recognized instead of ignored.
If no one has told you. No one has said so. No one has reassured you. No one has reminded you. No one has mentioned. No one has discussed with you. No one has spoken to you with encouragement.
Allow me to say this as loudly or as gently as you may need......
You are allowed.
Allowed to be human.
Allowed to not have all the answers.
Allowed to be lost but searching.
Allowed to be frightened but brave.
Allowed to take up all the space you feel you need to as you navigate your deconditioning.
Allowed to be angry.
Allowed to feel hurt.
Allowed to be upset at all the ways you have been neglected, especially from yourself.
Allowed to ask for help and be received.
Allowed to have a space held for you from those whom can earn your trust.
Allowed to express your voice.
Allowed to be loved.
Allowed to be met.
Allowed to be seen.
Allowed to be heard.
Mostly, and most importantly, by your own self.
I encourage you to stop giving away your power. To quit listening to anyone who does not allow you to be you, or who has a problem with how much space you take up.
If no one has told you......
You are magical.
The world needs you. A realized, awakened, divine, emotionally mature you that owns your power, gifts, and voice.
And everything in-between now and that realized moment is a helluva ride and scary journey. You are no less magical, no less valuable, no less necessary as you travel the path to arrive. In fact, your journey is someone else's inspiration.
If no one has told you.....
You are safe to be you. Right here. Right now. And those who cannot receive you.....you were not meant for them. But you do not EVER water yourself down again because you love yourself enough to never allow such a travesty to exist any further.
I sincerely and honestly hope you discover your precious voice, no matter how small you may feel it is, today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
