Porcelain Doll
She is ever the perfectionist.
Born from insecurities of not being enough she attempts to overcompensate by being “perfect”.
She has doubts. Fears. Worries. Troubles. Darkness.
And she’s perfect to me.
I’ve never wanted a porcelain doll.
Someone who is too fragile. Too perfect. Who sits on a shelf for display, with no practical use.
Bring me someone who has been to hell and back. Show me someone who knows pain intimately. A warrior who has conquered so much and is dressed for battle still. A courageous soul. Being courageous isn’t the absence of fear. Not giving way to insecurity and the willingness to face your doubts THAT’S courage. That’s fight. That’s strength of character. I would much rather wade through the mud with her, cry with her, struggle with her knowing that victory is won in the end.
A porcelain doll is someone you play with. Carefully. They get damaged too easily. They aren’t able to face the battles. Their ego, their pride wounds them too deeply. They can’t handle the heat. They’re not built for the rigors of everyday life.
Not with me anyways. Or, with many dominants I know of.
What happens when a dominant pushes? Stretches? Encourages?
A porcelain doll will break under that pressure.
Not my princess.
My princess wears war paint like glitter. She battles daily with the demons of her mind that tell her she’s not enough. She goes to war with the ammunition of knowing who she is. The lies others have told her her whole life don’t stand a chance. Oh, there are some battles won by fears. Victory is assured though. She knows it. They may gain ground every once in a while. But not fully. Not anymore. She refuses. She’s so much stronger today than ever. Backed by a dominant that won’t let her give up or back down.
She has discovered her anchor. Her purpose. EVERYTHING flows outwardly from this pivot point......
She NEEDS to serve.....for HER.
She surrenders to her own submission. To her own character. It is something she has been born with. Hidden, squelched by others.
She’s been told she shouldn’t feel. Shouldn’t care. Shouldn’t allow another into her world so she can just accept them. She’s been taught to push everyone away.
And yet, her honest character has always bled through. She’s discovering how to wage war against the voices of the past that have kept her prisoner to lies for far too long.
She gives of herself daily. In ways that even she doesn’t see.
The smile she carries. Oh that smile!! If you knew how dearly she has paid for that smile. The pain she’s had to endure, the indignity of lies and betrayals. And still, true to her core, she smiles. THAT is surrender to her character.
The helping hand she always reaches out with. I have not ONCE seen her turn a person away that needed it. Oh, I’ve seen her hold her boundaries and not allow another person to place their guilt or expectations on her. And still, she reaches out in kindness. Just from a distance.
The song she sings in her heart. I never used to think this was anything. She gets this little wiggle in her waist and hums. It happens more than she realizes. This is her music. The happiness that moves her. And this is a way she gives of herself. How you may ask? That happiness is contagious. It bleeds to everyone around her. Her beautiful energy touches SOOOOOOO many.
Her hurt, anger and dismay at another persons’ negativity. How on earth is this her giving? It is her giving a damn. Caring about another persons’ peace. She could just walk away. Not say a word. Witness it and move on. Sometimes she does. Often though, she says a little prayer to the universe to brighten that persons’ path while she reaches out in empathy.
The way she listens intently as anyone is talking. She may not resonate with the person at all. But she would never be disrespectful. Beautiful evidence of a soul that has fought the battles of selfishness and won. Her character shines through. She serves her own character by not allowing herself to be anything she is not. Many of you know how difficult it is at times to give to someone you may even believe doesn’t deserve your kindness. She does. And yet, she would never be disrespectful. Never rude. Evidence of her character.
The way in which she dresses. I know what you’re thinking.....WTF???? But I honestly believe this. She picks out her clothes in a manner that makes others feel at ease with her. She doesn’t want to be unapproachable. While she never wants to be in the spotlight, she is keenly aware of the beautiful energetic light she carries and how people are drawn to it. So she dresses accordingly, to allow her light to bathe others in peace. She’s simplistic in this. Direct. Forthcoming.
The language she uses to speak to others. She’s intelligent AF!!! She can hold conversations with anyone as long as they’re deep, spiritual, meaningful conversations. And yet, she’s quick to praise others. Quick to support and encourage. No one asks this of her. No one expects it. No one demands it. She freely gives from her heart. She NEEDS in-depth conversation. She can’t thrive on anything less. Yet she goes out of her way to meet others’ where they are in their day with a kind word. A focus. Always open to helping how she can.
How she cares for herself. I truly believe we can’t understand how to love another unless we can love ourselves. Unless we know how to receive it and give it to our own self. She is healthy, she takes care of her body. She surrounds herself with positivity and is mindful to feed her heart with beautiful and kind things. She only allows those friends in her midst that won’t bring her down. She won’t allow another to steal her energy. She has mad boundaries for herself!
Do you see why I say she’s a warrior???? Do you have any idea how hard she’s had to fight to get where she is?????? I promise you she’s fought countless of demons that tell her to run. Countless of fears that desire to treat others poorly for the sake of keeping her “safe”.
In her dark days, when she’s really scared, when the lights are off and she just wants to hide, I am the one who holds her while she cries. The struggle to be her is real. She doesn’t see any of this. When she reads this she will blush. She doesn’t realize the fighter she really is. She doesn’t see how far she’s come. The milestones she’s crossed within herself. She doesn’t always see how beautiful she really is.
She’s far from fragile. Far from porcelain.
This TO ME is the honesty in submission. Anyone can follow rules for rules sake. Anyone can kneel. Anyone can take a flogging. Not everyone has the strength of character to face their demons and slay them one by one to become a more whole individual. To firstly surrender to yourself. To own your weaknesses and wear them like a crown is the sign, to me, of submission. Bending the knee in your heart to your best self. Honoring your character. Having the balls to stand up and say, “NO MORE!!! No more will I trade in who I am to my fears. No more will I sacrifice what serves me because I doubt. No more will I be held captive to ‘what if.’”
She used to hide. She used to think she had to be this fragile porcelain doll. One wrong move and her world would come crashing down around her.
She’s decided, quite all on her own, she won’t be frail any longer. No more hiding. No more pretending that she doesn’t care when she cares so very deeply. No more thinking she doesn’t matter, when she knows she does. No more allowing others to define for her who she should be. No more letting the fears, manipulations, mechanisms of those who are insecure decide for her how she should show up.
She’s far from perfect. That suits her just fine. She doesn’t want to be. She wants to be herself.
Imperfectly her.
THAT is an honesty that one comes to surrender to through many battles. She’s fought and waged those wars, and continues to fight. Not only for herself, but in also doing she sets this beautiful example of how to submit. Not to fears, but to ones core. To the best version of themself.
I am proud to know her. Proud to be allowed to witness her journey. Honored to be trusted to hold her hand and heart. Privileged to be given a space where she allows me to speak into her world with encouragement and love.
May we all be so fortunate to find such a submissive.
I hope you find all that you seek and that it serves you in all honor today.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
3/26/2020
