One of the many things Amethyst was concerned about when we began speaking of being a couple was, What did she have to offer me? As someone who had newly discovered her desire for submission she wasn’t even sure what that meant for her from her own lens.
She was worried she couldn’t measure up. That I needed more than she could supply. She didn’t see herself as a masochist, I am a sadist. She didn’t see herself as well versed in the lifestyle, I have been trained through a Leather House. She felt intimidated and wondered what I could possibly need for her to give me.
Of course I tried to reassure her that what I needed she had in abundance. That doesn’t go too far when you can’t see who you really are. When the lens you’ve looked through your whole life is one of negativity or failure to measure up to others standards. It’s not a surprise at all that she was concerned. I attempted to explain to her what I was looking for and what I needed truly had nothing much to do with something you learn, or even can be taught. You see, in my lens, you can teach someone to take a flogger harder and harder. It’s a matter of patience and diligence to increase someone’s stamina and sensation to their skin. In my lens, you can’t teach submission. You can’t learn surrender from someone else. That is an inside wrestle as a submissive you must come to grips with somewhere along the way if you are searching for a connective, emotional, loving relationship of the m/s or d/s type.
This writing is to serve as a reminder to Amethyst of where she has come from to where she is today. However, not where she will be tomorrow or the day after as that will be even further down this journey for herself.
You see, I don’t believe that what an s type DOES has anything to do with what they have to offer. At least, not within the context of a committed relationship. We all DO things for one another in each of our relationships. Take out the trash, mow the lawn, change the oil in the car, wash the dishes, fold the laundry are all things that are neither submissive or dominant. Who does them has zero to do with surrender (unless you have a kink or a trigger around something) or dominance. Those things care for the dynamic as a whole. All parties are indebted to the dynamic to perpetuate it’s continued health. Who does what, when and why are up for each dynamics negotiation and needs.
My point?
Amethyst was worried about what she had to offer me. What she could DO. What capabilities she had. I saw HER. Her heart. A heart that desired to give. Yes, that includes doing things. One can’t give necessarily without follow through in action on the words of their lips. But there are those things that can’t be quantified as being given, except from the heart.
Love, for instance. Care. Concern. You can show it through actions....of course.......but it is more a condition of one’s heart. Anyone who has had a parent, sibling, loved one attempt to ‘buy’ their affections knows that there is a huge difference between honestly coming from your heart and simply doing what you think will garner favor and merit devotion. Two distinctly different postures.
I would dare say, many of us desire those intangibles. We can negotiate the things we need done. Do I NEED to flog someone mercilessly? Or is that a want? Can I be satisfied with simply flogging in general or does it have to be extreme? To me, I see our desires as necessary but open for interpretation. What isn’t for most of us are the intangible requirements......
Trust
Devotion
Respect
Love
Consistency
Honesty
Reliability
Transparency
Communication
Stability
Integrity
Vulnerability
I would dare say not one of us that seeks a committed, emotional connection within a d/s or m/s dynamic could live without anyone of those things.
THAT is what each of us seek.
THAT is what each of us hope to give another.
THAT is what we want to build upon within the context of that style of dynamic.
That, to me, is who I saw Amethyst as.
She already had every piece of that. Yes, I got to earn (and BTW it is a perpetual, continued and ongoing space) her trust that encourages her to feel safe to show up in everyone of those spaces. Because, there is NO WAY you just hand those pieces of yourself over to just anyone. I got the opportunity to remind her, to show her, these are all you. Yes, I want the kinky stuff. Yes, I want her to follow my lead and structure. However, NOT before I earn her heart. I want that more than anything else. The rest doesn’t mean much to me without that. I can’t connect to her if she doesn’t trust me. If she can’t be vulnerable with me how will she ever find the space to allow me in to scene with her? If we can’t have an open dialog about the painful and traumatic things others have done to us how can we ever hope to show one another with integrity, stability, respect, honesty and reliability we can hold a space for each other and be consistent in love towards the other?
What she has offered me is more than what she can do.
Hell, I could hire someone to DO whatever for me. I can go to a play party and find someone to flog for the evening if that’s all I was truly seeking.
She has offered me herself. In ways she wasn’t even aware she was able to do. Which, to me, speaks of the strength of character and ability of my dominance. It is an honor to be allowed to nurture a submissive to a depth of discovery within themselves that they didn’t even know existed. That is the value of earning submission. Knowing that for all the imperfections as a dominant you have as a human being, you are capable of holding a space and leading another that encourages them to be the best version of themselves is the ultimate humbling privilege.
What does she have to offer?
The only thing she truly has that is a unique treasure different from anything anyone else could ever supply......................her heart.
Yes, she’s shown me her surrender and submission in a myriad of ways. I could go on and on about how she submits. Naturally. Every one of those things is vital. Beautiful. Important. Necessary. NOT because I ask for them........rather, because she desires to give them. Because that desire is born from her heart.
Allow me to give you just a handful of examples. Yes, these examples show things that Amethyst has done. Actions taken that, to me, show her submissive self. However, I would sincerely like you the reader to understand that as valuable as the actions are.......see the heart behind them...........THAT IS MOST VALUABLE!!
When we got together one of the things we discussed was money. How would we handle it? Who was responsible for what bill? Who would deal with the finances? Would it be your money and my money?
Amethyst had NEVER had a joint bank account. Even in the marriage she was a part of for 13 years it was her money and his money. She couldn’t bring herself to trust another to care for her to that extent. It was too vulnerable.
I discussed with her my desire to eventually move to a joint account. I wouldn’t pressure her to do so. I would earn her trust. This is something I would like to see however. It speaks of trust from her, also, responsibility from me. Taking care of her. Showing her my desire and willingness to do so.
Before we even lived together there were in roads that I made to bolster this idea. When I wanted her to kneel for me in the mornings and evenings we discussed how uncomfortable she was sitting on her heels. We discussed finding a kneeling stool. She found one and I immediately ordered it and had it sent to her home. I was showing her I wanted to take care of her. That I could be trusted. When she mentioned some new boots she fell in love with I bought her a couple pair. Not to spoil her (though that never hurt), rather, to prove to her that she’s allowed to express her needs or wants to me and I would listen. There were other things she began to express that I said no to or we made compromises on. The point is.......she discovered my authentic desire to care for her from my heart. My actions were nice. She needed to see my heart was honestly in those actions. NOT just to buy her things. But to honestly want to care for her. And she did.
When I moved to be with her from 2000 miles away I paid for everything. I had money to pay for our new apartment. To pay whatever debts and bills needed to be paid for to ensure she had peace of mind. She was uprooting her existence. Of course she was scared! She didn’t know how things were going to work out. I assured her they would. That I would handle it. That the universe was guiding and leading and I was following. Follow me, I said, and we will be fine. EVERYTHING fell into place. Better than we ever could have hoped for. She was floored! And she was moved to trust me enough to allow me onto her existing bank account.
Add to that after we moved she spent 4 months looking for a job where I was the only one paying the bills and her trust was put to the test. But, I never failed her. I repeatedly showed her and told her I was there.
Today, in just the last couple of weeks I have gotten large sums of money that we have put to paying off her debt.
Why?
Because I want to continually show her this is US. Not you or me alone on an island. US. What is her debt is my debt. It’s what I signed up for.
She has given a piece of herself she has given NO ONE else in her life. Trust with her own physical well-being. Whether she will be homeless and hungry or not becomes largely dependent on how I bring in money and care for her with it.
Further proof, we live in an upscale neighborhood. Well beyond her means financially alone. If we split there is no way she could afford or hope to afford to live here. She would be destitute. Still, here we live.
Why?
Because she gives me her heart. She is effectively holding her heart out in the palm of her hand and giving it to me trusting that I don’t harm her.
That debt I just wrote of...........the reason I choose to pay it off is NOT to be her sugar daddy. I refuse to be such. It is because IF something were ever to happen to me like my death she would be able to use that money to take care of herself. It is my way of creating an insurance policy for her should she need it I know she will be taken care of. Because it is the right thing to do. Because regardless of what happens in life as a dominant it is important to take care of your property in FULL. A death, separation, a falling out doesn’t shift that responsibility. One should be mindful and take care.
Amethyst sees this. Knows this. I give her my heart......so it is reasonable that she meets me with hers.
What does she have to offer?
What she’s always had that no other person has ever deserved or earned to be given............herself.
THAT is ALL that any of us could hope to gain in our respective dynamics.
I hope you find your peace and focus this day.
Namaste
Drago and Amethyst
